Britney’s Love Lesson Number Two

November 16th, 2006 by Nina Atwood

Date first, for a considerable period of time, marry later. Why? Because everyone who’s ever fallen in love knows that the first stage of a relationship, the Enchantment stage, doesn’t last! It’s a great beginning for bonding and intimacy, but when it fades, and all those brain love chemicals fade, then we’re faced with the reality of day-to-day life. It is at that point that we really begin to know someone. Getting married while still enchanted is like spinning the roulette wheel of relationships: when it stops spinning, will you win or lose? Who knows? Only time reveals true compatibility.

The rush to marriage is a choice, but who’s doing the choosing? Often couples rush into marriage because everything “feels so good,” yet deep down they suspect something’s not quite right. Rather than face up to that, and risk another break up and loss, they plunge ahead hoping that their love will create the miracle. Somehow it will all work out and that tension in my stomach will go away. We call it “magical thinking,” and while it’s okay for children to have it to some extent, it’s devastating for adults to indulge in it.

Choosing a partner for life requires a balance of logic and emotion, use of both the head and the heart. Logic sorts through data and analyzes the positives and negatives of a situation. A strong heart gives us the courage to take risks. Logic enables us to project into the future: if he’s drinking too much now, he’ll drink too much later. Emotions put up a yield sign: whoa, this feels bad. He’s drinking way too much! Listening to both heart/emotion and head/analysis gives us a full picture. With a full picture, we make better decisions.

When logic tells us we’re dating someone who will not be good for us in the long run, if we listen, our emotions will line up with that thought. Deep inside, we feel at peace with the decision because we know it is right. But that peace can be hijacked by fear. F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real) says “if I break up with this person I’ll be all alone again!” This is where courage and the leap of faith come in. Courage says “even though I can’t see it yet, I have faith that if I choose wisely today, all will be well in the future.” Courage tells us that it is far better to choose the cupful of pain today (grief and loss) over the barrel full of suffering down the road (misery due to a bad relationship and/or divorce).

In tomorrow’s Britney Love Lesson, we’ll look at how to mitigate a potentially bad choice of marriage partner.

Entry Filed under: Breaking Up,Celebrity Buzz,Dating,Personal Growth