The Bachelorette: DeAnna Makes a Wise Choice

 By Nina Atwood

DeAnnaIn this season’s The Bachelorette, DeAnna Pappas is working hard to find and marry a soul mate after the heartbreak of being dumped by Bachelor Brad Womack. In Monday night’s episode, DeAnna did family visits with the four men who have made it through so far: Graham, Jesse, Jason, and Jeremy. Her time with Jesse, Jason, and Jeremy and their families was clearly positive as evidenced by her declarations after each one: “I’m definitely falling for this guy; I can see myself married to this guy; being with this guy would be perfect!”

Then there was Graham. This is the guy with whom DeAnna has felt the most chemistry from day one: she can’t keep her hands off of him, she longs for him to kiss her, and she states that she’s falling in love with him. But, and it’s a big but, she also sees that the relationship is off balance. It’s been an up and down journey – strong romantic connection followed by his stonewalling. Time after time DeAnna has begged Graham to open up to her, tell her what he’s thinking and feeling.

The big “dud” moment was after she met his family (very sweet people), and Graham sat in silence, forcing DeAnna to again plead for his thoughts and feelings. His reply to this beautiful woman who so clearly longed for a deeper connection? “This is me. This is how I am.” You could feel the drop in energy, the disappointment, the lost opportunity.

Later, as DeAnna reflected on her disappointment at yet again being shut out by Graham, she reiterated her strong attraction to him. Like many single women, DeAnna is tempted by the wounded [emotionally unavailable] guy. Like a moth to the flame, she, like so many others (and me a number of years ago), is drawn to the guy who does the “come here, go away” mind f***. It’s the frustrating yet sometimes addicting dynamic of the dance-away lover. I wondered if DeAnna would spot the trap or if she would fall into it.

Thankfully for her, she spotted the trap, dumping Graham in the rose ceremony. Emotionally, she suffered for that choice, especially as he did yet another mind-f*** by handing her a letter that he appeared to have written with their break up in mind. It would seem that Graham has little insight into his pattern: withholding and stonewalling in order to protect himself, then making a woman wrong because she cannot deal with his behavior and chooses to move on.

Though it hurts to move on from the wounded guy – and I think it hurts most because as a woman you clearly see his potential to be a wonderful partner (stress the potential), it is ultimately in your hightest and greatest good to do so. Staying with a wounded guy drains your life, your energy, and your heart. You remain off-balance in the relationship, never quite able to experience the emotional security that enables you to be fully alive and self-expressed.

DeAnna’s choice  – to take the cupful of pain today instead of the barrel full of suffering tomorrow – is one that takes courage and a solid commitment to self first, men second. DeAnna is on the path to a wonderful love, like the heroine of Temptations of the Single Girl Kelly. Good job, DeAnna!

Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Celebrity Buzz

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. angie  |  July 3rd, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    I was disappointed in the choices DeAnna was given. Could not they find more diverse guys? These guys are very boring. And yet I think DeAnna will not be happy with any of them. She is a very smart person, and a bit unrealistic and spoiled. On the other hand I see her being very demanding of these guys that I sincerely don’t think can handle her. They are really immature.

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