Coaching for the Bachelorette

 By Nina Atwood

Dear Jillian:

You had to let Ed go because when the chips were down, he bolted. Yes, his job is important, but you nailed it when you advised him to put his future relationship first, work second. He either wasn’t that into you, or he’s afraid of commitment – either way, it was crumbs, not the banquet, for you. Good for you – you didn’t succumb to the temptation to settle for less!

Regarding Wes – I sure hope your “chooser” isn’t so broken that you can’t spot a slick manipulator. Your job at this stage of the game is to be savvy and just a tiny bit suspicious until you discover the true character of these guys. You may be shooting yourself in the foot a bit during discussions with them. Sometimes you finish their sentences; other times you answer your own question instead of waiting for them to answer. I don’t see enough “pregnant pauses” that you wait for him to fill.

Your communication style is high empathy – you are anxious to connect, so the sentence-finishing and answering your own questions bonds you to the guy. But what you are missing is the full picture of who he really is, his character, and his purpose in being there. You won’t get that picture until you take a step back and let him step forward. The temptation to take the lead is really strong – it’s a part of your personality – but in dating, it doesn’t serve you.

Take a step back, Jillian. Don’t finish his sentences, don’t answer your own questions, do allow more silence in conversations so he feels the pressure to talk more. Ask more in-depth questions about him – his life, his values, what matters to him – and sit back while he responds. Don’t just listen to words, pay attention to how he answers. Is he nervous, quickly filling the empty air? Or is he thoughtful, responding in a real and transparent way? There are so many cues that tell you who a guy really is, but you have to be more patient, listen better, and don’t draw immediate conclusions.

Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Celebrity Buzz,Dating

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Braidwood  |  June 17th, 2009 at 11:48 am

    oooohhhh good advice! Thank you! I found this useful as well.

    Which guys do you like so far?

  • 2. n2god  |  October 9th, 2009 at 6:47 am

    This is excellent advice. Which book addresses this kind of thing cuz this is the epitome of me!! I didn’t even realize I did this (not enough pregnant pauses, answering questions myself) until I read this. Yike!! That’s kind of scary because, while I could see the *spark* in Jillian toward Ed, I absolutely think she made the wrong choice. I think I would have made the same choice in her shoes though…

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