Stretch Your Dating Muscles to Prepare for a Committed Relationship
By Nina Atwood
You haven’t had a date in three years. You haven’t attended a party or other social event in two years. You work, go home, watch television or spend time on the computer, go to sleep, get up the next day and do it all over again. In short, you’re in the singles rut. A friend persuades you to go out and socialize at some event over the weekend. As you get dressed, your heart starts racing and your anxiety climbs. You are in the Panic Zone – terrified of putting yourself out there again.
But in the singles rut, you are in your Comfort Zone – it’s easy to stay in your routine, not challenge yourself to move out of it. Because you have clung to your Comfort Zone for years, you are unprepared for something new and you zoom into the Panic Zone. Learning stops happening when anxiety climbs to very high levels. Most people “get sick” at that point or find some other excuse to avoid the activity.
The Stretch Zone, however, is the optimal place to be, the optimal learning zone. You stretch yourself when you force yourself to get out regularly, even when you would prefer staying home and renting a movie. You stretch yourself when you make yourself interact with new people, even when you would prefer standing in the corner of the room eating and drinking by yourself.
You stretch yourself when you force yourself to look ahead in your life, to create a vision for something more than single and lonely. You stretch yourself when you make the small, incremental changes in your lifestyle that support a future relationship.
People who stretch themselves as singles are more prepared for the challenges of maintaining a loving relationship over years. You can’t be the person you are now without any flexibility and also include a new person in your daily life, with all of his/her flaws and foibles. So it turns out that being in the Stretch Zone while single sets you up for future relationship success.
Entry Filed under: Dating
2 Comments
1. Lisa | October 4th, 2010 at 10:19 am
I love this article. I think the singles rut consumes more singles then even they think. It’s hard to grow or change in any area of your life if you don’t want to leave your comfort zone.
I recently wrote and article on the topic of online dating I think fits nicely with this subject.
http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/will-i-have-any-luck-with-match-com.php
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
2. Helen | November 8th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
This is my experience exactly. I travel all over the place with work and socialize with work colleagues and clients from all kinds of companies without a second’s hesitation.
Yet the thought of going to a local dance fills me with horror. I have tried to get out of the rut by going with a small group of friends but I sweat with anxiety and panic before I go, and as soon as I’m there I’m trying to work out how to get home.
I’m not sure if anyone feels like I do – dating feels degrading, it feels like a meat market, and it feels like a competition that I’m sure to lose. I didn’t want to be single – 6 years ago I was happily married, and had been that way for the last 15 years. My husband left me and despite lots of counseling, I just can’t get used to being a single again.
I’m not used to being judged on by looks – I’m a high-performing professional in my middle years. I can’t look like the women out of ‘Desperate Housewives’. I feel like I’m wasting my life but I can’t see a way out. I live in a very rural area and I’ve tried online dating but there’s just no-one where I live.