The big news over the past couple of weeks is Manti Te’o – the elaborate hoax that put him in the media spolight in the most uncomfortable way possible. As the bizarre tale unfolded of how he fell in love with a woman he never met, the revelations seemed stranger than fiction. How could this famed Notre Dame player fall for something so outrageous? Here’s the scoop on how it happened to him, and why you must protect yourself from the risk of dating someone online. (For the Fox 4 story in which I was interviewed about Manti Te’o, click here.) The Victim A Catfishing victim doesn’t want to be hurt, but he (or she) may have some built-in issues that make him vulnerable. First, he is typically in a time of great transition such as recovering from a breakup or divorce. In Manti’s case, he was dealing with the transition from being just another player to being the famous player who was in line for the Heisman. Second, the Catfishing victim is unusually needy, craving affirmation. It’s [...]
Continue Reading January 28th, 2013
This week’s hot Hollywood news item is that the stars of the blockbuster Twilight series, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, may be getting back together. Why not? One affair doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship. In fact, it can be a new beginning and actually bring a couple closer. But there are things to watch out for along the way if you want a healthy, lasting relationship post affair. Here’s my advice for Robert and Kristen, and all couples in this situation. Also in this podcast: How to recover from break-ups powerfully so that you can return to being open to the possibility of a loving, lasting relationship! Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime! Amazon.com Widgets
Continue Reading September 21st, 2012
I’ve heard singles for years tell me their reasons for not utilizing the internet to meet someone for dating: a.) there are too many duds, and I always get the duds, b.) no one that I care to meet ever responds to my profile, c.) the ones I do meet turn out to be something less than I thought, d.) it takes too much time to go through all the winks, emails, phone calls, and coffee dates to get to a viable person. That’s just the beginning of the excuses, but here’s what you need to know. Dating, like any other worthwhile endeavor in your life, takes an investment of time and energy. If you lost your job, would you tell your friends and family that it was just too much trouble to put your resume together and look for another job? Of course not! This is different, of course, because your need for food, shelter, and clothing pushes you to find work, whereas dating can always be postponed. What are you waiting for? Maybe it’s [...]
Continue Reading September 9th, 2012
After a nine month courtship and a multi-million dollar, media event, star-studded wedding, Kim Kardashian is ending her 72 day MARRIAGE. The cynical side of us says “Another narcissistic Hollywood starlet is throwing a tantrum called ‘filing-for-divorce-after-one-minute-of-marriage’ - so what?” But the concerned side of us must ask this question: Why do we worship at the altar of these media spectacles? And, more importantly: What is the cost to the rest of us for the messages sent and received? Millions watched Kim’s wedding, and you can bet that the majority of those viewers were young women – impressionable girls who desperately wanted to believe the fairy tale. The message leading up to the wedding was compelling: that the temptation to rush into a relationship pays off big-time! Kim and Kris dated four months, barely enough time to begin to get to know one another, and in this case even more difficult because it was long distance. The reward: a whopping 20 carat two million dollar engagement ring and romantic proprosal! What followed the engagement was the spectacle [...]
Continue Reading November 1st, 2011
A recent Yahoo Personals poll found that single women want to date George Clooney while single men want to date Jessica Alba. Reports have it that George is dating a woman who served cocktails at his table recently, so maybe these fantasy dates are not that far out of reach after all. The fantasy, of course, is that someone who appears to be highly successful, not to mention having a fantastically good face/body d.n.a., would also be someone who would be a good partner in a long-term relationship. Looks and success are only one tiny sliver of the picture of what makes a great relationship. But there’s no question that we tend to be dazzled by those things. In fact, we are biologically wired to be attracted to looks and success. Great looks and career/financial success resonate in human beings as strength. Perceived strength in others equates with benefit to my life. This is why people who achieve overnight success suddenly find themselves being contacted by every person who ever knew them plus lots of people who want to [...]
Continue Reading September 3rd, 2010
It took way too long, but she finally did it. This season’s Bachelorette, Jillian, dumped this season’s worst bachelor ever, Wes-the-snake. That she finally sent him packing is no great surprise. What is shocking is the notion that there is a woman in Austin who will take him back (per his tasteless comment at the end that he was going home to lots of sex). But since Wes is a habitual liar, maybe this ”girlfriend” back home is a self-created myth to keep his ego pumped. If she is for real, we can hope that SHE buys a clue and dumps his sorry a** after viewing the show. What can we learn from Jillian’s experience? Bad boys have two characteristics that should raise a red flag: 1.) loads of charm, and 2.) the ability to lie just as easily as taking a breath of air. Let’s start with charm. The origins of the word reveal the two sides of personal charm: on the one hand it’s the ability to arouse admiration in others; on the other hand, it [...]
Continue Reading July 7th, 2009
This season’s bachelorette, Jillian, has a tough job sorting out the good from the not so good. She doesn’t have the insight that we do, such as the clips of narcissistic Wes preening about his musical career. Still, we can learn from watching her journey as we hope for a good outcome. He’s not ready. Jillian opted to not give Robby the bartender a rose, and that was a wise choice. Given his lack of maturity, she would have been investing in the HOPE that he will grow up and be ready to start a family. Someday. Hope is not a good strategy! A guy doesn’t make significant changes to keep the woman he’s already caught. He may make changes after the current woman gets totally fed up and dumps him. In the agony of the breakup, he has his “ah-ha” moment, grows up, and then takes that learning into the new relationship. That’s why you so frequently hear about the woman who breaks up with her boyfriend of many years (who won’t marry her), only to witness him marrying [...]
Continue Reading June 25th, 2009
Dear Jillian: You had to let Ed go because when the chips were down, he bolted. Yes, his job is important, but you nailed it when you advised him to put his future relationship first, work second. He either wasn’t that into you, or he’s afraid of commitment – either way, it was crumbs, not the banquet, for you. Good for you – you didn’t succumb to the temptation to settle for less! Regarding Wes – I sure hope your “chooser” isn’t so broken that you can’t spot a slick manipulator. Your job at this stage of the game is to be savvy and just a tiny bit suspicious until you discover the true character of these guys. You may be shooting yourself in the foot a bit during discussions with them. Sometimes you finish their sentences; other times you answer your own question instead of waiting for them to answer. I don’t see enough “pregnant pauses” that you wait for him to fill. Your communication style is high empathy – you are anxious to [...]
Continue Reading June 16th, 2009
Fox news reported that Lance Armstrong broke up with Kate Hudson over the weekend because she was “too needy.” If the report is true – and who knows since the source is an associate at his foundation and not the man himself - let’s look at what it really means. Men don’t break up over neediness. That’s right – even though that is an often cited reason for leaving a woman, the reality is that when a guy says she was too needy, he’s using that as code for something else that he doesn’t know how to define. The truth is that she succumbed to the Temptation to Take the Lead somewhere along the way, and he lost his desire for her. Most likely, he was never really that into her, and definitely not in love with her. When a man loves a woman (who loves him), he pursues her with the intention of a committed relationship. He showers her with attention and affection, making it his goal to win her heart. Why would she feel needy in [...]
Continue Reading August 4th, 2008
In this season’s The Bachelorette, DeAnna Pappas is working hard to find and marry a soul mate after the heartbreak of being dumped by Bachelor Brad Womack. In Monday night’s episode, DeAnna did family visits with the four men who have made it through so far: Graham, Jesse, Jason, and Jeremy. Her time with Jesse, Jason, and Jeremy and their families was clearly positive as evidenced by her declarations after each one: “I’m definitely falling for this guy; I can see myself married to this guy; being with this guy would be perfect!” Then there was Graham. This is the guy with whom DeAnna has felt the most chemistry from day one: she can’t keep her hands off of him, she longs for him to kiss her, and she states that she’s falling in love with him. But, and it’s a big but, she also sees that the relationship is off balance. It’s been an up and down journey – strong romantic connection followed by his stonewalling. Time after time DeAnna has begged Graham to open [...]
Continue Reading June 26th, 2008
My husband and I saw Sex and the City the movie Saturday night. If you’re a fan of the show, you’ll love it! It was laugh-out-loud funny at times, and there were moments that brought tears to our eyes (yes, his too!). My favorite movies are the ones that make me laugh and make me cry – and this one hits all those emotions and more. It’s fun with a point. I won’t give away the movie. Instead, I’ll go back to the television show. At the end of seven years of dating agony, Carrie and Mr. big finally got together, and it looked like they were going to make it. The ultimate Westbound Train, the emotionally unavailable guy, finally came through. But was that total fantasy or a portrait of real relationship journeys? For seven years, Big was the classic commitmentphobe: charming, seductive, frightened of real relationships, and a heart breaker. What made him likeable was that he occasionally displayed vulnerability underneath the constant self-protection. Of course, the fact that he’s tall, handsome, sexy, and wealthy makes him a fantasy love icon that fits [...]
Continue Reading June 4th, 2008
Superstar pop singer Mariah Carey and her fiance of five days, actor Nick Cannon, wed in the Bahamas on April 30th. Though they met three years ago, they began dating in late March. That’s a six week courtship. Mariah has had her share of relationship troubles, marrying and then divorcing her manager of many years, Tommy Mottola, with whom she put on a positive public face while married. Later, she said that she felt trapped by his controlling behavior. Her career has had enormous highs and some lows, but she remains a pop superstar. Maybe it’s time for some happiness for Mariah, but it’s high risk to marry someone she’s only dated for six weeks. Marriage is a sacred covenant between two people, and I hope Mariah’s is for real. But it’s much, much better to pace a new relationship, give it time to grow deep roots, and then marry. Very short courtships yield a higher divorce rate because of the letdown following the “enchantment stage” of the relationship. After the natural endorphine high of a new [...]
Continue Reading May 20th, 2008
My prediction of who would get the final rose was off – Matt Grant chose Shayne Lamas in the final episode of this season’s The Bachelor. He proposed and gave her a stunning ring, sealing their relationship for the next stage. At this point, this couple might be tempted to rush into a relationship (see Chapter Eight in Temptations of the Single Girl); instead, they are pacing their relationship for discovery and development. Shayne, speaking very level-headedly, declared that they would not set a wedding date until their relationship grows and she is mentally and physically prepared to marry. What a refreshing stance! Although Shayne grew up in the Hollywood scene with parents who have married multiple times, she seems to be genuinely trying to do things right. In a radical departure from most showbiz couples, Matt and Shayne have declared their relationship to be “just starting,” that they aren’t rushing into anything, and that they are 100% in the relationship; i.e., committed to discovering what they have. Way to go Matt and Shayne! If they keep up [...]
Continue Reading May 13th, 2008
Tonight on abc’s The Bachelor, we’ll find out who our British hunk Matt chose, Shayne or Chelsea. My prediction: Chelsea, and here’s why. While Matt has had an ongoing infatuation with Shayne, I think her age will be a barrier, and his family will probably underscore the reality that she is very young. Also, I don’t think Matt’s background and Shayne’s background mesh. Why Chelsea? She’s the girl that Matt has consistently pursued, hard, despite lots of evidence that she’s not as into him as he is into her. But he’s an assertive male, and I think the fact that he’s had to work a bit for her has been a plus. That said, I don’t think that in the long run it will work no matter whom he chooses. First of all, Matt and Chelsea (or Shayne) will have to overcome weeks of separation while the show aired. That’s difficult for any couple, but for a brand-new couple it’s a huge barrier. Secondly, I can’t imagine Shayne being okay with watching Matt do the Fantasy Suite with two other girls. Chelsea may be able [...]
Continue Reading May 12th, 2008
It’s the end of the show, the Rose Ceremony. Our handsome bachelor du jour is standing next to the silver tray with only four roses. Five beautiful women stand before him, waiting to find out who stays and who goes home. After handing out two roses, he pickes up the third rose. A pregnant pause ensues. Then, he says “Samantha, will you please accept this rose?” Samantha, a truly smart and self-assured woman, flashes a big smile, then tilts her head thoughtfully. “Actually, Greg, I’m going to decline the rose. Oh don’t get me wrong!” she declares. “You’re wonderful – really you are – you’re hot, you’re smart – you’re all that and then some.” Jaws drop throughout the room. “But,” she says, drawing in air through her teeth and scrunching up her face, “I’m just really not that into you.” And with that, she steps up to him, gives him a sweet kiss and a hug, then turns and sashays from the room. After Samantha departs, there is a stunned silence. Then Ashley, one of the [...]
Continue Reading April 25th, 2008
Monday night’s episode of The Bachlor featured home town journeys for Matt, our British Bachelor. Shayne, the girl who seemed the most off balance at the beginning of the series, now appears to be the front runner for Matt’s heart. “It’s almost too good to be true, the connection that we have,” he declared after meeting her parents and sister. The warmth and receptiveness of her family had to have been a strong plus. Chelsea’s Dad gave her some good advice after meeting Matt, coaching her to tell him how she feels about him. Matt still seems to be having lots of conversation about whether or not she’s really into him. Chelsea, who seems very reserved and easily put off by PDAs (public displays of affection), doesn’t seem like the best choice for Matt, who loves holding hands and public snuggling. Noelle was dismissed at the end of the evening, having gotten off to a slow start with Matt. She blamed herself for it, talking about how much her emotional walls have stood in the way [...]
Continue Reading April 23rd, 2008
After a romantic connection on their solo date last week, Holly had every reason to believe that this season’s Bachelor Matt would choose her at the end of the 2 on 1 date this week. But her hopes were dashed and she left in tears. “I was 100% me, and that’s not what he wants,” she said, hurt and stunned. If this had been a real dating situation, Holly might have been tempted to take the lead at this point. Ego rails at the idea that we might be rejected by someone with whom we feel a connection. The reasoning goes like this: “He asked me out, we had a fabulous time, he told me he’s very attracted to me, we shared a passionate kiss! Where’s the problem?” Yet at the end of the day, a guy is either wild about seeing you again, or he’s . . . less than wild. Because this is The Bachelor and Matt is forced to make choices, Holly got dumped. In the real dating world, he might have dragged it out much longer, [...]
Continue Reading April 8th, 2008
I’m a little bit concerned about this season’s bachelor, Matt, and his relationship chooser. Last week, Matt and the bachelorettes frolicked in Las Vegas while consuming far too much alcohol. In fact, alcohol consumption has been a main feature in many of this season’s scenarios. It seemed that all Matt got in return for the free-flowing champagne and martinis was a drunken, overly dramatic encounter with Shayne, this season’s Drama Queen. Surprisingly, he gave her a rose. This week, Matt chose two women for one on one dates, Shayne being one of the two. Yes, she’s cute, but the level of maintenance and emotional drama makes me wonder about Matt’s chooser (witness her exclamation “I would die if he sent me home!). Clearly, he’s drawn to her, but is it mainly the chemistry that attracts him? It’s difficult to see her as a long-term relationship match for him; for one thing, their family backgrounds are vastly different. Secondly, she is emotionally immature even for age 22 so that it’s difficult to picture her settling down at [...]
Continue Reading April 2nd, 2008
Monday night’s new season launch of The Bachelor introduced us to Matt Grant, 27, a handsome global financier from London. He seems like a nice, charming guy, and his sexy good looks, intelligence, and strong famlily ties make him a great catch. He gave away something significant about his search for a wife in his initial interview. He shared with the show’s host that it has been challenging for him to meet someone who is genuine. Could it be that Matt is looking for a woman who is secure enough to be herself? I think so. But what did Matt discover when he met this season’s twenty five contestants for his heart? On the surface, twenty five gorgeouos woman stepped out of limos in stunning dresses and made a terrific first impression. But once the alcohol came out and the vying for his attention began, it didn’t take long for the issues to emerge. Stacey, for example, immediately fell into the temptation to take the lead instead of taking her cues. Taking the first opportunity to talk [...]
Continue Reading March 19th, 2008
After a year of marriage and lots of life change, Katie Holmes is still gushing about her new husband, Tom Cruise. Add to that the stress of having their first child, and you have a marriage that could be going off the rails. Instead, it seems to be doing quite well. Katie and Tom rolled the dice a couple of years ago, rushing into a committed relationship and parenthood without spending any time in courtship and discovery. This is equivalent to going to Las Vegas, putting all your money on one number, and rolling the roulette wheel. The odds of your number coming up as a winner are slim. Likewise, when couples rush into marriage, they put themselves counter to the odds. A far wiser plan is to spend time enjoying the joys of courtship, getting to know each other slowly without sex. Over time, your compatibility for the long haul is revealed. You also have the opportunity to build a strong foundation of open, honest communication and the resulting emotional muscle. Then, if you experience difficult times ahead, [...]
Continue Reading December 18th, 2007
In Tuesday night’s season finale of Dancing With The Stars, Helio Castroneves and his partner, Julianne Hough, took the mirrored ball trophy. Today, Helio’s fiancee and girlfriend of six years, Aliette Vazquez, formally announced their split. Did the kissing on the dance floor between Helio and Julianne cause the break-up? Having had some experience in the ballroom dancing world, here’s my take. Professional dancers who are married or in committed relationships know exactly where the line is with their partners. They don’t cross it because they don’t want to lose their primary relationship. For them, dancing is just dancing. It’s a rigorous and competitive sport, with no room for relationship drama triangles. In fact, many in the ballroom dance world now call it dance sport. Preparing for competition is rigorous and intense. Partners spend hours together in close physical contact. If those partners have a spark of attraction, it’s easy to see how that might turn into more, not because they have the right ingredients for a real relationship, but because they give in to [...]
Continue Reading November 29th, 2007
On Tuesday’s After The Final Rose Ceremony show, this season’s bachelor Brad Womack bravely tried to explain why he failed to choose one of the two women he so ardently courted. Neither Jenni nor DeAnna walked away with any real answers, as Brad’s behavior during their dates and his words at the end of it all didn’t line up. Throughout the final weeks of the show, he indicated in actions and words that he was powerfully attracted to both women, and this may have been his undoing. “This is hard for me to say to your face,” he said to Jenni, “but when I was with you I was thinking about DeAnna and when I was with her I was thinking about you.” What a muddle of confusion for everyone. But it was difficult for anyone to muster up a lot of sympathy for him while two women sat broken-hearted, still struggling three months later to understand what went wrong. Brad exhibits all the classic behavior of a Westbound Train* - someone who will date you, be intimate [...]
Continue Reading November 23rd, 2007
In the season’s final episode, Brad the Bachelor surprised everyone when he chose . . . no one! That’s right – he passed up the opportunity to marry (or at least propose to) either sweet Jenni or dynamic Deanna. The question is: why? Maybe he felt too much pressure at the last moment. He picked out a ring, said good-bye to Jenni, but then folded in front of Deanna. Perhaps he placed too much significance on the television proposal moment, unwilling to put something out there that he might feel bad about retracting later. After all, the culmination of the series is basically the beginning of a real dating relationship, not the moment of real commitment. The truth is that only time will tell if there’s real glue between these couples who are artificially thrown together in a make-believe environment. Brad comes from a family of divorce and the resulting trauma, as his family was dislocated and thrown into near poverty. Like many people who grow up in a splintered family, he may have a fear of [...]
Continue Reading November 20th, 2007
Hunky Brad Womack, this season’s Bachelor, has of course already made his choice between sweet Jenni and bold Deanna. Monday night we’ll find out who he proposed to. Here’s what I like and don’t like about this show. What I like about it is that it’s entertaining. It’s fascinating to watch people trying to act natural and real on a date that hasn’t happened through any of the normal means, all while a camera rolls steadily nearby, capturing everything to be aired on national television. What I don’t like about it is that it’s a lousy foundation for a relationship. The scenario is that all these women have to compete for the attention of one man. As the eliminations advance, so do the relationships of those left standing; thus, the women are taking more emotional risk as time goes on. The bachelor, who has the job of being intimate with several women at one time, is in the position of testing and observing, but he doesn’t have to prove himself. He doesn’t have to stretch in [...]
Continue Reading November 16th, 2007
Uber-Star Julia Roberts was recently honored with the annual American Cinematheque Award at a gala benefit where she was roasted and toasted by her Hollywood colleagues. The focus was her stellar career, but at the end of the day, what she expressed the most value for in her life is her relationships with her husband and her children. Who would have thought that the star of Pretty Woman, one of the biggest grossing films ever, a film about a prostitue who wins the wealthy guy, would find her greatest happiness in marriage and family? As her star ascended in Hollywood, the world watched while Julia floundered personally with men, dating many, engaged to a couple of them, and briefly married to singer Lyle Lovett. Julia’s relationship with her husband, Danny Moder, is an example of a good outcome from a bad process. When they met, he was married to someone else, and they began an affair. He quickly divorced his wife and he and Roberts married a few months later. Poor process, but good outcome, at [...]
Continue Reading October 16th, 2007
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