Experts say fears of not keeping a job, a widening labor market for women and a shift away from having kids at a young age are some of the reasons people in their 20s and early 30s are not joining the ranks of married people, at least not until they are older.

But does this really mean that marriage is on its way out as an institution? I don’t think so, and here’s why. Listen to this special podcast to find out why I believe marriage is alive and well. Find out why it is so important to understand how most people really FEEL about marriage, and how to handle those conversations in dating.

Also on this podcast: How do you know the difference between the guy who is “pacing” the realtionship versus the guy who is stalling? Find out the vital signs that tell you the real story when a guy slows down.

Click on the arrow below to listen now, or download and listen to this podcast later.

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You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime!

Dear Marin: You are wrestling with several issues here, so let’s separate them and look at them one at a time. First, you are trying to learn from your parents’ mistakes but I think you may have drawn the wrong conclusion about their divorce. Thirty years is a long time, and you’ve said they loved each other. Maybe they gave up too soon. Far too many couples throw in the towel these days, usually over issues that could have been addressed and healed. That would have given you the model you seek – one of love, forgiveness, and healthy re-connection.

Second, you are trying to understand when it’s appropriate to stay and when it’s appropriate to leave a relationship. I am guessing your six year relationship probably should have ended at about six months. Why? Because it is usually fundamental differences in values and lifestyle issues that cause long-term dating relationships to end. Or, it was a lack of sufficient love and commitment on one or both of your parts – you may have settled up front. Bottom line is this: date with a strong intention to meet your right partner and move forward into marriage. If the relationship doesn’t meet your basic criteria early on, move on!

Third, I think you’re confusing independence with other issues. If you are strong and you date someone who is looking for a caretaker, you have a need to be with someone who “needs” you. That can feel like false security – if he needs you, he’s less likely to leave you.

I’m reading insecurity all over your question – you are fearful of settling, fearful of rejection (for being who you are – independent), and fearful of making a big mistake. The “independent socks” you are pulling up are really the socks you put on with your running shoes. F.E.A.R. is driving you away from new men – false evidence appearing real – “he won’t like my independence” and other self-created assumptions.

The healing for you is finding the courage to stay until you really know what you have or do not have with someone. It is trusting yourself to know when something is unhealthy and to leave when it is truly appropriate, not out of the fear of rejection. Develop and trust your “inner compass” – that part of you that knows, deep down, when something is right for you, or not. Look for strong men to date, and be willing to take the risk that it might not work out. By taking the risk of dating someone who is your equal, and hanging in there, you will find your own emotional security, and that will lead you into a healthy, loving connection. Get coaching to help you make these discernments along the way and support to stay in the game.

It depends. The timing varies depending on the age of the children and the circumstances of the Dad’s single life. Most children fantasize that their divorced parents will reunite. Meeting someone new crushes that hope, and that can be difficult for them. There are no hard and fast rules about the timing of introducing someone new to your children. What’s important is to consider all
the circumstances and make your best judgment call.

The first consideration is when to begin dating following a divorce with children. Ideally, you invest in healing the relationship with your Ex first; i.e., restoring good communication, making sure that you don’t do anything offensive or inflammatory such as bad-mouthing your Ex, doing some family counseling if needed. The goal is to align on being co-parenting partners going forward. This protects your children and greatly eliminates the stress later on of bringing a new person into the picture. Nothing is a bigger bucket of cold water on a budding romance than having ongoing negative drama with your Ex.

When you’re ready to date, the next consideration is how much to tell them, and that depends on their age. If your children are really little, they won’t understand much about what’s happening so communication isn’t as critical. If they are older, talk to them up front and prepare them as much as possible. Tell them that you want to meet someone new to share your life with, talk about what it means to date, and what it looks like (i.e., I will have someone stay with you while I take someone out to dinner and a movie). Having moral principles such as no sex until you are in a very committed relationship makes a positive difference in their lives, for obvious reasons. For your teenage children, telling them your moral stance on dating gives them immense reassurance as well as a role model for their behavior.

Clarify their role in your process of choosing your future spouse. This part is controversial but worth considering, and it’s a decision point. Should you make a commitment to your children that you will only remarry if they like the person you choose? Or should you take the stance that it’s your choice and they just have to live with it even if they strongly dislike the person you choose? I lean toward the former, for a number of reasons. One, it gives them a measure of emotional security at a time when they have had most of it removed because of the divorce. Two, it gives you a reality check – why would you want to marry someone your children don’t like? Maybe they can see something you don’t. Three, it forces you to balance your attraction to someone new with your children’s needs, and that means lots of self-reflection and quality communication.

The next consideration is their overall wellbeing. Are your children adjusting well to their new lives? Are they thriving, doing well in school? Do they open up and talk to you, do you know what’s going on in their world? If so, they are probably ready when you are. You’ll know you’re ready to introduce someone when a.) you really, really like the person, b.) she really, really likes you, and c.) something special is developing with future potential.

If, on the other hand, your children are not doing well, not thriving, and seem to be spiraling down or have ongoing psychological issues from the divorce or death, it’s probably not good timing. In that case, you might want to consider putting off dating until things improve. I’ve had single parent clients over the years make the wise decision to focus on helping their children heal first, then date later.

Consider attachment issues. Young children (early grade school or younger), have a strong tendency to bond quickly with anyone you bring home, as long as that person is basically nice. Be sure you are in a serious relationship before you introduce them so you don’t put your little ones through round after round of broken attachments.

Last, and not least, consider your partner’s preferences. Talk about when the timing would be best to introduce your children to her, and her children to you if she has them. Balance your needs with hers, and make sure your discussion revolves around both your children’s current state of wellbeing and ages.

One caveat: some people believe that you should wait until you’re sure you want to marry the person you’re dating so that your children don’t experience a “revolving door” of potential partners. The problem is that you’ve already made your choice at that point and if your children really don’t like the person you’ve chosen, it’s almost impossible to unwind. You can handle the revolving door issue by dating smart: casually date, without sex, a number of people. Only get involved with someone of good character who shares your values and wants what you want out of life. That narrows the field a lot, so that by the time you introduce someone to your children you are solidly on the road to marriage.

Nina is a regular contributor to Single Dad House: http://singledadhouse.com/. Check it out!

Do you think that texting creates insecurity and misunderstanding in a relationship? And does it give a man more power?

Texting is just a tool, and like any other tool, it can be used constructively or destructively. If you have an issue in your relationship, texting is not the avenue to solve it. Face-to-face interaction is better because you stand a far better chance of reading the nuances of your partner’s emotions. Printed words can be easily misunderstood – people often react strongly to the written word because they misinterpret the other person’s intentions. Here’s the general rule: if it’s emotionally sensitive, take it to the telephone or face-to-face.

Texting doesn’t give a man more  power. Women give away their power by responding to texts instead of holding  out for real-time interactions. For example, women often respond to requests  for dates via text. That is settling for less! It’s so incredibly safe for a  guy to text a woman for a date – he doesn’t have to risk the rejection of  hearing her say “no.” Some guys send out texts to multiple women and the first  one that says “yes” gets the date. Sheesh! This is boy behavior, not man behavior. Women feel insecure when they settle for immature behavior and allow it to keep them off-balance.

Do  you think that the modern dating world and the increase of casual relationships is due to texting?

No – texting inappropriately is a symptom of the  increase in casual relationships. The cause is women settling for crumbs  instead of holding out for the banquet. We teach people how to treat us, and  unfortunately, we have a couple of generations of women who have been teaching guys that they don’t have to do anything to win their attention. I have had guys tell me that they can go out to a bar where a lot of cute girls hang out, and walk out two hours later with their pockets full of phone numbers – given to them without even asking!

Women used to set the bar much higher for men – demanding respect and love, unwilling to simply be a “sex object.” Now, all a cute guy has to do is text “want to hang out?” and he has someone to sleep with that night. This is a huge problem that costs both men and women – no one feels good at the end of a casual hook up. The number one temptation that single women succumb to is getting sexual too soon, hoping for more, but unable to get it because having sex too soon inhibits real emotional intimacy.

Dating is complicated with technology, so do you think you should even text someone you’re dating or in a relationship with?

Texting is a fun tool in a loving committed relationship. My husband travels with his job and we often text little love notes. It’s fun, when it’s used in the context of a secure relationship, as a way of staying in touch on the fly. In that way, it can be very positive. You don’t have to be married for it to work in a positive way, you just need to be in a solid relationship and use it for little touches and checking in – never for addressing sensitive issues.

Do you think texting is a positive or negative thing when it comes to intimacy?

Another way to say intimacy is “into me see,” and that is the real purpose. It’s about being transparent, revealing your true self – hopes, dreams, fears, aspirations, history, etc. – to another person. That kind of intimacy is how you bond with someone in a relationship. You can text someone you are intimate with, but you cannot create intimacy with texting.

Lastly, do you have any additional comments or thoughts when it comes to texting and dating?

Dating is supposed to be fun but at the end of the day it’s about finding the right person with whom to share your life. If you want a great relationship, take it to the real world, and take some emotional risks. Play it smart by putting off sex for a considerable period of time until you are confident that you have a loving, committed relationship. Your self-respect will skyrocket and your love life will be the best it’s ever been. Then, you can text your Sweetie to your heart’s content!

…And What to Do About It

Fourteen years ago, the holidays came around but I was not in a festive mood. Everywhere I looked, there were constant reminders of what was supposed to be happening in my life: happy couples strolling along in the mall, television commercials featuring the guy giving the girl a gorgeous diamond ring, not to mention those holiday songs of love. I was divorced, had broken up with my latest boyfriend, and what I wanted most for Christmas was for it to be over, already.

I know firsthand what it feels like to feel left out, and that’s what most singles experience during the holidays. What I didn’t do then was take charge, but later in my single years before I met my husband I learned to do exactly that. I learned that if you are passive, opportunities pass you by,
and that being proactive wins the day. That lesson, of course, holds true for just about any life crisis. Here are the three main reasons that you will find the holidays challenging, and what to do about them.

1. The media highlights the deficit. We life in a  highly commercialized culture, more so during the holidays than any other time of year, and virtually none of it is geared toward singles. This, despite the fact that single adult women (not including men) now number over fifty four million! The message of the media is that you should be in a relationship, and during the holidays that message goes triple, highlighting your single state even more than usual.

This deficit has an impact, whether you realize it consciously or not. A recent survey by a very large online dating service polled singles and asked them to rank order their wish list for the holidays. The survey found that most singles would rather find someone to date than get a
job, if they’re out of work. Astounding! That’s in reverse of what it should be, but it shows how needy you can feel during the holidays if you are single.

We are wired for connection. Some say that being single should not feel bad, that you should feel no deficit. But in fact, it’s difficult to overcome that feeling no matter how much rationale you apply. Our brains work on two things simultaneously, all the time in the background – connection and safety. If you are single and want a relationship, you can feel even more desperate for
connection during the holidays.

2. Families highlight the deficit. The number one question family members ask when you go home is “why are you still single?” It’s very stressful to think about the question, let alone try to explain. Family members don’t intend to add to your stress, but they do it inadvertently by asking intrusive questions for which you have no answers. This can make you feel reluctant to be with family, since you anticipate the questions. It can make you cut short your time with them,
especially if you are the only single adult left in your family. A recent large survey of singles found that both men and women tend to lie about their status with family, just to avoid these issues.

3. Holiday depression can be worse. People in general are more prone to depression during
the holidays because it’s impossible to live up to the expectations set by media – that your family will be perfect and you’ll have a magical time with them. If you’re single, the expectation to have someone with whom to share all those events is so high that you’re set up for a letdown.

For each of these challenges, there are simple steps to take – simple, but not necessarily easy. Sometimes the things we most need to do to resolve our issues are not rocket science, but they do require action on our part, action that takes us out of the usual comfort zones.

1. Set boundaries with family. I always recommend honesty – lying about your status
provokes more questions from family members and that leads to more evasion. It’s simpler to have a stock answer that tells the truth but sets a boundary – “I am holding out for someone very special so that I will have the best shot at a good marriage that will last. I know that’s what you want for me. That’s all I really have to share for now, but you’ll be one of the first to know when I
meet the right person.”

2. Take charge of your social life and have an adventure. The holidays are a great excuse to create your own adventure. Book an exotic vacation with a tour group, preferably a group of other singles. Don’t go alone – unless you are really emotionally secure, traveling alone can make you feel even more alone.

Throw your own holiday party. Ask three or four other single friends to help you organize and throw a party. Each single person asks three or four other single friends, for a couple of levels out. Very quickly, you will have a houseful of singles, and before the night is over, half of them will have a date for New Year’s Eve!

3. The best antidote for depression is activity; the second is giving. Before you feel the holiday blues descend, make contingency plans for combatting them. Set up regular workout times with one or more buddies who will hold you accountable for showing up. Physical exercise is a great antidote for depression – it triggers the release of dopamine, the brain’s natural pleasure chemical.

The next best antidote for depression is giving. Set up a schedule of time contribution to your favorite charities. Getting involved in something that makes a positive impact on the lives of others is one of the best ways to stimulate your brain’s feel-good chemicals. Research on happiness teaches that we do not get happy by trying to get what we want; rather, we feel a natural upsurge in happiness levels when we give to others – and not by writing checks, but by participating.

Yes, the holidays can be a challenge, but by putting things in place now, you have every opportunity to create and experience one of your best holidays ever. The side benefit of all of this is that by lifting your own spirits, you will be even more attractive to others. Who knows? By making yourself happy this holiday season you may attract someone very special – another proactive person who is making his own happiness!

Dear Samantha: There is nothing wrong with you. He is what we call “a player,” meaning that he’s not looking for a relationship, he is only looking for casual sex. His secrecy about his life and age are clues that this guy is not being up front. I’ll give you the bottom line first: you dodged a bullet.

Avoiding Temptation. The beginning of your story is something I hear all the time from women – girl meets devlishly handome boy, is charmed by him, thinks he wants love but finds out later that he only wants sex. Because you put your values out front, you successfully avoided the temptation to get sexual too soon. Good for you! Far too many women fall for the charms of players, fall into bed, and find out quickly that they are nothing more than objects to guys like this one.

The only thing that bothers me in your story is that you feel hurt, and that is curious. Why would you be hurt because a guy who only wants to use women moved on? This is a good reason to feel empowered, to pat yourself on the back, and to hold your head high. If you feel rejected, it is for all the right reasons – because you stuck to your values. Yea!

Next! My advice – yell “next!” at the top of your lungs, and get back into the dating scene. Your take-away from this experience: it pays to put your values out front and stick to them.

Millions watched Kim’s wedding, and you can bet that the majority of those viewers were young women – impressionable girls who desperately wanted to believe the fairy tale. The message leading up to the wedding was compelling: that the temptation to rush into a relationship pays off big-time! Kim and Kris dated four months, barely enough time to begin to get to know one another, and in this case even more difficult because it was long distance. The reward: a whopping 20 carat two million dollar engagement ring and romantic proprosal!

What followed the engagement was the spectacle of millions being spent on one day in this couple’s life – yes it’s a big day, but that big? And every young woman and teenage girl watching this unfold got the message: it’s ALL about the wedding! What they did not see was a couple with the emotional maturity to say, “all this stuff is fun, but it’s not what we are about.”

Now, the marriage is over, and the final message is clear: since it’s all about the courtship and the wedding, and that’s over, the marriage is over. The problem is that this message is becoming all too prevalent, and it has nothing to do with real relationships and lasting marriages. We should care about that because it is having an impact on Generation Y, and that will have a lasting impact on future families.

Here’s what we should take away from Kim Kardashian’s marriage and divorce:

- A whirlwind romance, romantic proposal, and big diamond do NOT add up to real love

- The size of the wedding and money spent have nothing to do with marriage

- Speeding like a bullet train into a marriage is a warning sign – usually it means that the two people doing the speeding are emotionally desperate to connect while simultaneously terrified of finding out who the real person is that they are so desperate to “seal the deal” with

- We need to flip the priorities: pay FAR more attention to what it takes to have a successful marriage, and far LESS attention to the wedding; see www.smartmarriages.com

- Newlywed couples need more support for staying together; instead of giving them an easy out, let’s push them to work it out

If your daughter fell in love with Kim Kardashian’s brief relationship and all the media hype that surrounded it, maybe it’s time to introduce her to a more thoughtful way of framing relationships. How about this – it’s ALL about your ability to love and be loved, to accept another human being with all of his/her faults, and to make a real commitment. That takes emotional maturity. That’s not nearly as exciting as the drama of living dysfunctionally, but the long term payoff is priceless.

In this podcase, I debunk a couple of myths about internet dating, and introduce you to the world of finding someone to love and be loved by – right in the privacy of your own home. [Part One of two parts]

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You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime!

Are you really wearing that? Cleavage and belly buttons exposed do not serve women. It almost guarantees that they will be appreciated for their bodies and not for who they are; that they will be objectified rather than seen as intelligent and accomplished.

Young women today seem to wear less and less, emulating their favorite music and Hollywood icons. What this really reveals is rampant insecurity – the desire for male attention so raw and obvious that it makes everyone around them uncomfortable. Good guys - fathers, boys, and adult men – are forced to work to avert their eyes. Only the predators benefit – you know who they are because they openly stare right before they make their moves.

So, you might ask, why do women and girls dress that way? Here’s one theory.

Look at me – I’m powerful! When a woman has a nice body, and dresses to show it off, she feels wanted and in control, and that feels like power. The yearning for power is a basic human instinct and if you don’t know how to claim personal power in other ways, sex is an easy fall back.

Sex, the main event – really? Being wanted sexually isn’t very powerful if that’s the main event. Typically you are left in a weakened state, wanting a relationship with the back walking away. No woman really feels great about herself when she’s been used for sex rather than being loved.

Sexuality and power. It appears that sexuality and power go together because we see so much body exposure by women who are famous and successful in the entertainment world. Subliminally it feels like emulating that behavior would result in the same kind of power. But it doesn’t. The big difference is that those women are being paid lots of money to do what they do - and we all know that money is power in the material world. But they get to go home and dress normally and choose their relationships on a different basis.

Pretty woman – revised. As a woman, you can be powerfully attractive without being overtly sexual. It takes a bit of finesse to move beyond the obvious and easy – the revealing attire. Shift your focus to the inner work of building your self esteem; how? Get involved in something that matters – nothing feels better or makes you feel more valuable than making a difference in the world in some way – large or small.

Next focus on hair (great color and cut, products that add silk and shine), eyes (artfully applied enhancements that compliment your eye shape and color), color (clothes that make your skin glow), and accessories. Once you get the hang of it (and perhaps with the help of a professional make-over), you’ll find no shortage of male attention. You’ll be a standout because your power is more subtle, attracting the guys who want to know you on a deeper level. Your power will be lasting because you will feel good about you.

She’s NOT guilty that the relationship ended. She is RESPONSIBLE for making better choices in the future. George is a wounded guy – incapable of making a real commitment. He is charming, highly successful, and no doubt a fabulously romantic lover, in the beginning of a relationship anyway. But for whatever reason, his heart is not truly open to the women he dates. So how can anyone he dates possibly be responsible for that? She can’t, but she can take responsibility for choosing better.

For years I dated and loved emotionally unavailable men, and I crawled away from those relationships wondering what was wrong with me, suffering from useless guilt. The epiphany came to me the last time this happened, well over a decade ago, when a medical practitioner whom I respected told me bluntly that I was not going to get well (from an autoimmune syndrome I was suffering from) unless I broke the attachment I had to the latest wounded guy. It was my wake-up call, after wasting far too many years pursuing hopeless relationships.

Take responsibility. I decided that it was up to me to fix ME, the person in the mirror, rather than choose the wrong person and set about trying to change him. I have far more leverage working on me, and while that sounds like self-blame, it isn’t. Taking responsibility for my own life choices and outcomes empowers me because it is only in self-development and growth that I truly have any power. I have none over the men in my life. Never did, never will.

Like Kelly, in Temptations of the Single Girl, I was attracted to men who were aloof in some undefinable way, yet simultaneously charming and attractive. I loved riding the roller coaster of falling in love in the beginning. It was intoxicating – the romance, the fun dates, the wining and dining, the dancing, and the thrill of lovemaking. The downside of the roller coaster was pulverizing – the withdrawal from dealing with ordinary relationship issues or talks about commitment, the cheating, the “you’re on your own” if I had any life problems. The bottom line: no partnership. The deeper truth: no real love.

I had to give up my addiction to excitement in order to get out of the pattern. I learned that charm [when over played as a seduction tactic] does not lead to devotion and love. I learned that good character – integrity, devotion, honesty, no games – wins the day and is far more valuable than instant romance and charm. I discovered the power of maintaning my balance by putting off sex – for a long time – giving up the intoxication of allowing someone to seduce me. I found real romance by allowing men to pursue me, and that opened the door for the re-discovery of the magic of courtship.

My husband is very romantic, but in a loving, quiet way. Our dance of love was around bonding emotionally first, sexually later. We surrendered to the deeper, far more enchanting side of love – acceptance of another human being for exactly who he is and is not. With real love and devotion, we have both grown tremendously – emotionally, spiritually and in our careers.

Now, almost twelve years later, we share a loving, incredibly blessed life. Our relationship isn’t perfect because we are human beings subject to stressors and the resulting reactions. But our love is deep and committed. We are there for each other. We truly adore one another. THIS is real love, one that doesn’t ride the roller coaster. This is the kind of love that will have us holding one another’s hands all the way, the whole way until one of us passes.

So, to all of you Elisabetta’s out there, I share this: It is never too late to change the pattern! It is never too late to find and create a deep and lasting love with a good man. But you will have to make personal changes, make new choices, give up some of the thrills that you may believe are important. Start today. Read my book, Temptations of the Single Girl (read an excerpt here), and get started. After you read the book, join my online group on Ning. Get started, get support, and get going!

Dear Anna: You are asking great questions, and that is an empowering place to start. The first rule of relationships is this: if he tells you he’s not sure he is capable of being in a relationship, believe him. The second rule is this: the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

That said, I know that you are going to want to go to the table and find out if there is anything new or better for you with this guy. What you bring to the table are these questions:

• Why should we date again? For what purpose?
• What will be different this time, and why should I trust you?

Having asked these questions, your job is to be silent and let him do the heavy lifting in the conversation. Don’t succumb to the temptation to fill in the gaps if he struggles to answer you. Just sit there and listen, open to discovery.

What you are listening for is a truly heartfelt intention on his part to be a good man to you, to make a genuine commitment, and to date purposefuly toward lifetime relationship/marriage. You won’t be able to hear that intention if you jump in and rescue him. Your attitude is “we’ll see” and “why should I give you another chance?”

Don’t fall into the trap of talking about your wants and needs. Commitment is such a basic ingredient for relationship success that you shouldn’t have to ask for it; it should come naturally. The more you have to demand it from a guy, the less likely you are to get it.

Be prepared for him to exit again by the end of that meeting. But if he hangs in there and engages around the questions, and if the answers he gives you feel right in your gut, then I would go into a “we’ll see” mode for at least three months during which timeframe you do NOT sleep with him. You go out together but don’t hang out at either of your places. Minimize alcohol, and use that time to observe his behavior with you and to discover whether or not the “I miss you fix” wears off. If he’s weak on commitment, he will be impatient with not getting his sexual needs met and you’ll find he exits again. If he’s strong on commitment, he will use that time to deepen your relationship and give you a strong sense that he is in for the long haul.

It’s not harsh, it’s real. Allowing this guy to earn his way back into your heart is not harsh, it’s real. The first time around, he had the chance for a great relationship just by being with you and being committed. He blew that opportunity. Now, the road back to your heart has to be much more challenging so that he can become the man he truly wants to be – worthy of the love of a good woman. Your challenge will be maintaing that stance, but if you don’t, your relationship will repeat the pattern of the past and it will hurt even more. Stay true to your quest for a healthy relationship and you have the opportunity to turn this lemon into lemonade!

Learn about cyber-stalking, and what you need to do to protect yourself. Also, find out what is the impact on your health of the ways that you communicate (or don’t).

Click on the arrow below to listen now, or download and listen to this podcast later.

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You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime!

Dear Kate: You can’t know what is in the future, but you can pay attention to the signs that are pointing to the truth about your relationship. One thing I find odd is that your boyfriend is talking about wanting children, but he isn’t telling you that you are the woman he wants to have his children. Maybe he is still trying to figure out his feelings for you. It sounds like it’s time for a candid, open “you and me” talk. Ask lots of open-ended questions such as “what do you envision in the future with you and me?” Listen and ask more questions as he opens up. Stay in the conversation until you have clarity.

The more important question is one you must self-reflect about: What are your feelings for him? Are you really in love with him? Is he the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? If you aren’t sure, that’s a bit of a yellow caution flag since you have spent a year together. Normally couples are pretty sure about how they feel about one another after a year.

You are at an emotional fork in the road as a couple. Either you will become closer and move down the path to creating a life together, or you will begin detaching. The quality of your communication at this stage will be a big factor. The more you can foster intimacy – “into me see” – by asking questions, listening, and understanding, the more clarity you will have, and the greater the possibility that you will draw closer. If you do not progress into deeper commitment, these conversations will pave the way for a parting that is healing, not damaging, and that will be a springboard to a better relationship.

Dear Chantal: You’re right – there is a difference between “pacing” – which I highly recommend – and “stalling.” Stalling usually shows up as a reluctance to maintain contact or to move a relationship forward to the next step. Three dates is not much, if you are pacing. If you are the dive-in-at-breakneck-speed type, three dates can seem like an eternity.

I’m wondering what it is about dinner and a drink that annoys you. Is it that he isn’t sweeping you off your feet at this point? Is it that the converstations over dinner are boring?

One of the goals of the first couple of months of dating is to get to know people, without sex. Why? Because once you sleep with someone, the choosing is over for you and the chasing is over for him. You’re in it all the way, and the opportunity to find out about character and emotional availability is past. Keeping sex out of the picture for a number of weeks (preferrably months) enables you to really check out your compatibility. Having dinner and a drink means you are face to face and have the opportunity to ask questions of one another, to open up and self-disclose. That is a real opportunity for you both and I would suggest you treat it that way.

The other issue is who leads and who follows. In the early stages of a relationship, it works better if the guy leads. Why? Because that allows you to see the level of his intention and attention. If his lead is uncertain, inconsistent, or lacking in energy, that tells you the relationship will be the same. So let him lead, even if that means “dinner and a drink” for a while. If you find over time that he isn’t an interesting person to you, move on. But give it a few more dates.

While on the date, be sure and use that time to ask good questions. The very best one for fostering self-disclosure and revealing character is “How long since your last relationship, and how did it end?” Make sure your conversations move quickly past the “news, weather, and sports” talk that keeps everyone emotionally safe. It’s better to rock the boat a bit, take some risks. Intimacy is the goal – “into me see,” not sex, at this stage.

This guy sounds grounded and stable, and you may not be used to that. Boredom may be your enemy as you move forward and establish healthier dating patterns. Practice having dates that don’t blow your socks off, and use them to be intensely curious about other people. It’s okay to date someone for a while and end up liking him but not falling in love. This may not be the perfect guy for you, but while you are dating him, let this be “school” for you on how to date without all the intensity that you probably had – and got burned by – in the past.

Dear Keith: You’re asking the right questions instead of being defensive – good for you because you’ll learn. The face slapping was over the top and not necessary. However, there is an opportunity here for you to understand women better.

Most women do not want to hear coments made about their bodies until well into a committed relationship, and even then, minimally. Women do not connect visually with men as a primary way of relating; they don’t ogle men’s bodies except as a bit of a joke (i.e., noticing the hunky construction worker with no shirt on). For women, it’s much more about eye contact and verbal exchange. As long as you were in a good dialog with her, you were clicking. The comment about her figure was a disconnect – it took her away from the exchange you were having, and unfortunately reduced you in her eyes to just another sex obsessed guy.

When you are happily in love with a woman, and she with you, telling her that she is beautiful is a huge turn-on. Admiring her body, as long as it is in the context of love and commitment, is okay, but the best way to connect with her is through her mind and heart.

What a woman wants is to be seen and appreciated on a heart and soul level. She wants to know that you take the time to really listen, to understand her, and to honor all of who she is. She wants to know that if she gains weight as she ages, or if she loses her skin tone, or if she no longer has the beauty of her youth, that you will still see her as the most beautiful woman in the world. That is something that transcends the physicality of today. That is real love, and it starts in dating by being utterly fascinated with discovering who she is – on the inside – from the very first conversation.

Also in this show: He’s everything you ever dreamed of: smart, funny, and sexy! He shares your interests and values – you’re so connected – you feel like you have finally found your soul mate. He’s also not-yet-divorced. Can it work? Should it work? Find out what works and what doesn’t when the person you’re falling in love with is not [yet] divorced.

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• How you REALLY choose your relationships and how to get control of the process so you only date high quality good guys
• How to keep yourself emotionally balanced while you are falling in love
• How to maintain his interest over time while you build a bridge to his heart
• How to convey interest, not desperation
• How to set the stage for a loving, healthy, lasting relationship with a great guy
• And much more!

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You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime!

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• How to know when you need relationship rehab 
• To identify the patterns that need changing in order for you to attract a good, loving relationship
• What it means to put your “self” first and how that creates a deeper relationship with the right person
• The focus you need to really recover and move forward as a much healthier person
• And much more!

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You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime!

Sign up for future podcasts

• Emotional intelligence – the source of intuition and gut feelings that inform us about people and situations that are good for us, and those that are not
• How alcohol consumption interferes with emotional intelligence on the first two to three dates and what to do about it
• How to quickly see the signs and signals that someone is not right for you
• How to identify the marriage-minded and avoid the players
• And much more!

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You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime! Sign up for future podcasts      

Studies tell us that if you grew up in a family of divorce, you’re more likely to be divorced. The reasons for that are not clear. Lack of stability in family of origin may result in feeling like chaos is the norm, so you will be attracted to people who are not stable. Loss of one parent due to divorce creates a vacuum of unmet needs, and that can be a burden to your future spouse. Whatever the reason, you may find that you are labeled by potential dating partners as unsuitable because of your parents’ divorce. What can you do about that?

The obvious answer is nothing – over other people’s thoughts and feelings you have no control. What you have a lot of control over is how you view the divorce of your parents. Consciousness is the key: being fully present and aware of your attraction to unstable people, making a conscious choice to break the family pattern, and making better choices. You can re-wire your own brain so that you are attracted to stable people and stable situations. Therapy helps, visioning a positive life filled with love and connection helps, and getting a good coach along the way to keep you on track also helps.

The greatest power in life is your ability to re-frame whatever happens so that you learn, grow, and move forward in a positive direction. THAT is universally attractive and appealing.

Some people ask me why it’s so important to not drink alcohol on the first few dates with someone new. There’s nothing wrong with alcohol, but when you choose to do that with someone who is brand new, alcohol numbs your ability to determine if someone is going to be a positive or negative influence on your life. Your natural intuition is inhibited when you are drinking, therefore your bulls**t meter can be severely hampered.

This show explores why developing your inner compass is invaluable and how to avoid looking needy, when you are in fact, intentional in dating. And, when the dating pond is dry, how do you find others who are marriage-minded? Desperation is easily picked up, so what are the unconscious messages you’re sending that others pick up? What is being needy versus being intentional? Click here to listen to the show.

And you guessed it, dating is the same way. Dating is about being intentional in finding someone you are compatible with. Instead of the job offer, marriage is the end goal in dating. But with the combination of careers and technology-infused, fast-paced lives, is it reasonable to have marriage as an end goal? It is, but it’s vital to communicate early on that marriage is in your plans if that’s the case.

Too many women stick with men who upfront say they are not interested in marriage. Women stay in the hopes that men will change their mind. Although nothing is impossible, it is however, implausible given that he already told you he’s not moving in the direction of matrimony. Don’t suffer unnecessarily; if you make the choice to stay in a relationship in which marriage is off the table, prepare yourself for a future without it.

To listen to the rest of this podcast and more, click here.

Most dating couples are extremely hesitant to talk about money. The irony is that most people have less emotional comfort talking about money than talking about sex. Both subjects are critical in the early stages – to discuss openly and honestly. For women, the subject of money can bring up a host of other issues. Find out how you can begin broaching this sticky subject early in a relationship, and what to do to empower yourself as a woman so that you come from a strong position in any relationship.

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Well, now that facebook has connected some 500 million people, researchers are discovering what makes people decide to disconnect. A study by the University of Colorado Denver Business School reveals the top reasons people de-friend others on facebook. The top three reasons are:

• Frequent, unimportant posts.
• Posting about polarizing topics like religion and politics.
• Inappropriate posts, such as crude or racist comments.

Click here to go to the story and find out more about why people may be de-friending you at a rapid pace.