Singles Coach blog

Dating the Not Yet Divorced Guy [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 15:50:09 +0000

What happens when you meet someone who isn’t quite divorced YET? And that’s usually what they say: “I’m not divorced yet” instead of “I’m married.” Should you date that person or take a pass? If you choose to get involved, can it work? Should it work? There are layers to this issue, and we’ll unpeel them in this show. Also on this show: should you date someone who is not quite on your level? When you feel like you’re about to settle, it’s time to take step back and figure out what is driving your decision. The real issues behind feeling like you are not on the same level may surprise you. Money, education, social status, property – there are so many ways to weigh the implications of lifestyle and who contributes what. But you may need to think about this in an entirely new way in order to protect yourself from future devastation.

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If I Friend You and You Friend Her, Will We Stick Together?

Nina Atwood — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 17:50:04 +0000

Facebook is the social phenomenon of all of them: over the past nine years the user base has grown from one million to ONE BILLION! By now, almost everyone knows�someone else who reconnected with a long lost lover from the past, or who met someone new and started an affair, using Facebook. In fact, we know that Facebook is the launch point for a high percentage of affairs. But what about breakups? Does Facebook contribute to breakups and divorces? The answer is: it depends. In some cases yes and in some cases no.

A new study found that high levels of Facebook use among couples significantly predicted Facebook-related conflict, which then significantly predicted negative relationship outcomes such as cheating, breakup, and divorce. What that means is that the more time one or both of you spends on Facebook, the more likely you are to have conflict and/or infidelity in your relationship. You are also more likely to split up or divorce.

But here’s the caveat: it’s mainly in new relationships, less than three years in duration. If you’ve been together longer than three years and one of you starts using Facebook�a lot, apparently that is less likely to provoke jealousy. Presumably your relationship is more committed at that point so you are less likely to break up over Facebook.

What’s the real lesson here? Too much time on Facebook means you may be bypassing real relationships in favor of fantasy connections. Face to face is how we connect, it’s hardwired in our brains. That’s how we form lasting relationships. It may seem like it’s less risky to find people on Facebook and flirt on each other’s walls, but the reality is that it makes your real partner feel left out. Jealousy – too much of it – rips apart your bond.

My best advice: minimize Facebook and maximize looking at your partner’s face. Deepen your real world connection and Facebook won’t be nearly as appealing.

4 Reasons You Should Date a Failure

Nina Atwood — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 17:42:11 +0000

Fourteen years ago when I met my husband, we were both failures. Relationship failures, that is. He was divorced twice and so was I. We were in our early forties, fearful of making another mistake, yet still hopeful that maybe this relationship would be the right one. We both had a healthy dose of skepticism, but we forged ahead. Good thing we did because meeting him has definitely turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me!

If you are single and over forty, odds are you have at least one big relationship failure in your life. Singles often ask me about the people they are dating and whether or not they are worth the risk. He’s been divorced and single for ten years. Is he ready? She’s never been married but lived with a guy for fifteen years. Does she have a problem with commitment?

The twice divorced person may look like a long shot, but it turns out that there are some real advantages to dating relationship failures. If they meet these four criteria, it’s probably worth it to find out more and possibly, to take the risk of falling in love.

One: Healthy Paranoia

Anna is 41, in medical sales, and recently divorced. Her green eyes sparkle as she relates to me the enchanting story of meeting Doug through an online dating service. After one coffee date and one dinner date, she is wowed. “He’s the guy I’ve been looking for,”� she gushes. She can hardly wait to introduce him to her family and friends. In her mind, she’s practically engaged to the guy, yet she knows almost nothing about him.

“When was his last serious relationship, and how did it end?”� I query. She looks at me blankly. “Well, I know he was married a long time ago, and he’s been single a long time,”� she trails off, frowning. She then takes up the narrative of how wonderful he is. I now know she is in deep trouble, overpowered by the temptation to rush in to this new relationship.

The person who has failed and learned from it is smart enough to have a good dose of skepticism about relationships. It’s easy and tempting to fall for the first attractive person who gives you attention. It is much harder to hold back a little until you really understand the person sitting across from you.

Maybe you are skeptical, but do you look for that in others? It might pay to do so. Studies show that the longer you date before becoming engaged, the better your odds are of making a good match, especially if you are focused on making sure your values align.

A little bit of worry about making another mistake helps you pay attention to the warning signs of a relationship that isn’t going to be good for you. If the person you’re dating is also a bit worried about making a mistake, together you are more likely to ask good questions, discuss your values and life goals in depth, and look for real alignment.

Two: Ego Correction

Have you ever asked someone about their past relationships and gotten a diatribe about how crazy and/or evil their Ex was? It’s a huge turn off, for a good reason. Bitterness and finger-pointing are signs that learning has not taken place. Some people never make the crucial step post breakup of recognizing that they were party to the mistakes that were made.

People who have failed in relationships and recognize their role in it are more humble. Rather than putting on an egotistic�fa�ade�they tend to be authentic, preferring to disclose their baggage instead of hiding it. When you meet someone new, listen for the telltale signs of learning and growth. I had a role in my marriage not working out. I was just as much to blame as he was. I learned a lot about myself and I think I will be a better mate to someone new as a result.

Life and love are challenging journeys. Do you want to go on that journey with someone who can’t acknowledge failure, who is always right and never wrong, and who is never introspective? Or with someone who can, and does, learn from past mistakes?

Three: Curiosity

Before I met my husband, I had dates with men who weren’t the least bit curious about my past history. Instead of asking questions, they talked about themselves, their work, and personal interests. Conversation stayed on the surface. This exposed a huge gap.

With two divorces in my past, I knew I had a LOT to learn, even though I was an educator in the field of personal relationships. It’s one thing to write about love and to counsel others, it’s another thing to be suddenly divorced for the second time and have to figure out what went wrong. It’s grueling inside-out work, but one thing I eventually learned was that curiosity pays huge dividends.

The more questions I asked, the more I saw what I was getting into before I put my heart on the line. I learned to be fearless in my quest to learn more. I consciously looked for a man who would also be curious about the “inside job” of becoming a better mate. When my husband, on our third date, asked me about my role in the failure of my two marriages I knew I had met someone who could learn and grow with me.

If you tend to ask few questions on your dates, you are probably making costly mistakes. Fear of offending someone may keep you silent, but assumptions pile up. The gap in information leads to poor decision making. Learn to push the boundary of what you think is socially acceptable. Question fearlessly, and be ready to answer with your own story of learning. Drop your ego, open up, be authentic, and watch the quality of your relationships zoom up.

Four: Pessimism

People who fail and learn understand the power of looking ahead and planning, with a bit of pessimism. If you assume that finding someone new to love solves all of your life problems, that everything’s rosy and all you have to do is open your heart, you may be setting yourself up for another failure.

I was sitting in one of my favorite restaurants when the owner (whom I had chatted with many times) stopped at the table to share about his upcoming marriage. He’d met his soon-to-be wife just three months earlier, and was madly in love. They were both in their forties with children from previous marriages, so theirs would be a complicated union. But he was 100% positive that this was the most amazing relationship ever! There were no clouds on the horizon. Whoops, I thought. This is not going to be pretty.

Six months later, same restaurant, same guy, but now he looked absolutely beaten down. Within one month of their five star wedding, trouble blossomed. I won’t get into all the gory details, but the net of the story is that their marriage turned out to be incredibly short, and the battle through divorce court�long and�ugly.

If you want a real chance at happiness the second (or third, or fourth) time around, inject a little pessimism in your plans. Talk about what would happen if . . . (you didn’t agree about money, your step kids didn’t get along with each other or with you, you felt insecure, one of you lost your job, your sex life began to wane). Talk about the built-in issues and emotional baggage you each bring to the relationship.

The conversations you have about these issues enable you to emotionally prepare for the inevitable road bumps. You also get the opportunity to preview one another’s style of conflict resolution.

Failures That Are Worth It

The old saying is that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Relationship failures really understand that. My husband and I are better partners for the mistakes we’ve made in the past. We are deeply grateful that we gave one another the chance. With healthy paranoia, ego correction, curiosity, and a small dose of pessimism, we’ve made it thirteen years and love each other more than ever. Cultivate these qualities in yourself, look for them in your dates, and the failures you’ve had in the past may just turn out to be your best asset.

Why We Love Fifty Shades of Grey [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 17:12:10 +0000

Why is the book Fifty Shades of Grey still topping the bestsellers list? Why is it such a�huge phenomenon? What is the emotional chord that it touches in so many women?�This Love Strategies show is all�about the book and why it is that we�- women�- love Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not what you think! It’s not just�the sex, it’s the bad boy fascination. Also on the show�- a brand new study that�reveals what makes women so attracted to bad boys. You will be shocked at the answer to that age old question.

Also on this episode of Love Strategies, listen to the questions that other�listeners ask. Your story may be a lot like someone else’s!�Angela wonders why she runs away from relationships and toward her career. Linda follows up on her dilemma with her secretive and absent boyfriend.

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Why (and How) You SHOULD Talk About Marriage [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 17:30:39 +0000

Women ask me all the time: how can I meet someone who is ready for commitment? How do I find a guy who is actually interested in marriage, not just fun and games? My answer is simple but not easy: figure out what you need to do to attract a commitment minded guy. Some of that is the inner work you need to do so that you are not attracting emotionally unavailable guys. Good relationships are always an inside job. The rest of it is understanding what to do on your dates so that you set the stage for real love, commitment, and a journey to marriage. In this podcast, featuring the questions I get from real people, you’ll learn why it is so vital that you�DO talk about marriage with the�men you date. Secondly, you’ll learn how to talk about it without scaring away [the right kind of] men.

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Manti Te’o Was Catfished! How? Why?

Nina Atwood — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 19:51:54 +0000

The big news over the past couple of weeks is Manti Te’o – the elaborate hoax that put him in the media spolight in the most uncomfortable way possible. As the bizarre tale unfolded of how he fell in love with a woman he never met, the revelations seemed stranger than fiction. How could this famed Notre Dame player fall for something so outrageous? Here’s the scoop on how it happened to him, and why you must protect yourself from the risk of dating someone online. (For the Fox 4 story in which I was interviewed about Manti Te’o, click here.)

The Victim

A Catfishing victim doesn’t want to be hurt, but he (or she)�may have some built-in issues that make him�vulnerable. First, he�is typically in a time of great transition such as recovering from a breakup or divorce. In Manti’s case, he was dealing with the transition from being just another player to being the famous player who was in line for the Heisman.

Second, the Catfishing victim is unusually needy, craving affirmation. It’s no wonder because following a loss or in the midst of becoming famous, it’s hard to know who to trust. When trust is broken or shaky, it’s easy to gravitate to someone who appears to have your back, someone who seems to be there for you when you aren’t sure who could ever be there for you again. That feeling of affirmation is so seductive that the victim will grab onto it, even though it is settling for crumbs instead of holding out for�the banquet of a good relationship.

Third, the Catfishing victim does not have a good b.s. meter. The average person who dates online becomes suspicious pretty quickly�when the other person refuses to Skype, FaceTime or meet. If you are emotionally intelligent, you feel this�strong sense of something not being right. But if you are not, you miss those social cues and, like Manti, may enable the ruse to continue.

Fourth, the Catfishing victim is quickly invested in the fiction. Manti wanted desperately to believe that this supposedly beautiful girl who shared his background and faith loved him. He wanted it so much that he became invested in a false relationship, and even lied to his family about meeting her so that they would not interfere in his fantasy. And that’s the problem – needing to believe in a fantasy relationship instead of investing in a real one.

Real relationships can be messy. To have one, you�need to learn how to have healthy conflict, make compromises, and give up some of the things you want. You have to learn how to give more than you receive at times, and love someone who is as imperfect as yourself. All of that takes emotional intelligence and maturity. Committed relationships are not for the faint hearted! They are for people who aim for long term contentment rather than�instant gratification.

The�dopamine high we get from things that are momentarily gratifying leads us toward addiction, and online fantasy relationships are highly addicting. That is what ultimately led to Manti Te’o's downfall – getting addicted to the fantasy. To avoid that in your own life, make sure you deal with these critical areas:

1. Develop emotional intelligence. Learn to tell the difference between fantasy and reality with other people. Have a great b.s. meter to guide you.

2. Be very, very secure in your life as a single person. Good relationships are a bonus, not an entitlement or a need like air and water. Want one, attract a good one,�but don’t need one. Cultivate joy in the meantime through contributing in some way that has purpose to you.

3. Tell the truth to friends and family. Manti lied to his family, so they weren’t able to help him discern what was really happening. If you are hiding something from your friends and family, it’s probably harmful to you. Bring them into the picture; ask them what they think about any situations involving online or other connections. Let them be your b.s. meter until you develop one.

Learn how to date safely online by reading my eBook, Intenet Dating for the Savvy Single. You’ll learn the steps to take to move your online connection to a real one as quickly as possible.

What Is An Internet Dating Catfish? [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 23:38:16 +0000

What is an internet dating catfish? And how can you protect yourself from having your heart broken by one? The new�reality show on MTV is “Catfish” – it’s two guys who investigate the online daters who fall in love, have relationships sometimes for years, without ever meeting the other person! This is a shocking deep look at something that has been going on for years, but about which you hear little.�Here we’ll�take a deeper look at it – why the victims allow it to happen, and why the perpetrators do it. Then, you’ll hear the three things you MUST do when you date online to protect yourself. You’ll want this show if you date on the internet or plan to do so. You’ll want to recommend this show to any of your friends who are dating someone online that they haven’t met.

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Can You Be Addicted to Your Spouse?

Nina Atwood — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 18:08:48 +0000

Dear Nina:�I truly feel I’m addicted to my wife. We have been separated for 3 years and�we have 3 children together that�I have full custody of (yes I’m a male). She lives with another man, and�still sees me and a third guy who is the reason we split up in the first place.�I keep telling myself that I’m through, I’m done, yet find myself right back in the same situation a few days later. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m literally on the verge of complete insanity.�I love her and�I want our family back together. She claims she wants the same yet she continues to hang out with this younger guy�AND still lives with the other guy who�I honestly don’t think has a clue�about what she is doing. We’ve been together for 15 yrs, separated for 3 of them.�I really just don’t know how or what to do anymore. Please help me. – Dave, age 39

Dear Dave: You are definitely in the throes of love addiction, defined as�the inability to get�basic relationship needs met, yet feeling powerless to let go and move on. As I read the story of your wife’s lack of character and her�infidelity, I feel strangely angry. It sounds like you are the doormat in this relationship and she is wiping her feet on you. Now the truth is, I don’t know her or her side of the story, and she might have a very different point of view than yours.

But the odd part of this is that you don’t seem angry, and if what you have shared is true, you should at least feel indignant. That tells me that you don’t have good emotional boundaries. It seems that you are leaning far too much on the side of being tolerant, and that is sending the wrong message. But before you act, take some time and consider these questions:

1. What are your standards regarding fidelity in a marriage? Do you believe in monogamy and want�a partner who believes and practices that with you?

2. What is the agreement for your separation? Is it “anything goes”? You are both free to explore other relationships? Why, if that’s the case? What do you hope to accomplish in your relationship while there are others in the picture?

3. What kind of marriage do you want? What values do you hold sacred in life and in marriage?

4. Does your wife share your values?

If you believe in monogamy and if you want a marriage that honors that, then you must start there. You and your wife can’t work on your relationship while she lives with someone else and “dates” yet another guy. Your first step is to get into a leadership position (not control). Tell her that you want to work on your relationship, and to do that she must move out and either live on her own or move back in with you.

While you work on things, she has to stop seeing other people. I would ask for a specific time period, minimum six months, and ideally one year. During that time you work exclusively on your relationship and evaluate at the end of the time period.�That is a non-negotiable. If she agrees, you might have something to work with. If she refuses to do that, you have nothing, and it’s time to face up to the truth. Your marriage is over.

Now the biggest issue: what is it you want to teach your children about love and marriage? Your decisions and your behavior regarding this dysfunctional relationship�are teaching them how to be when they grow up.� Do you want them to witness you getting less and less emotionally stable as you hold on to this unhealthy relationship? Who will take care of them and model how to be in life if you don’t? As adults, do you want them to suffer the way you are, loving someone who doesn’t love them back? Because that is how you are currently teaching them to be. We learn by watching what our parents do, regardless of what they say.

Now is the time to take charge in your life and model for your children the courage that it takes to move on from something that is bad for you. She will always�be their mother and you will have�a co-parenting relationship. But you don’t have to continue this unhealthy attachment and be her doormat. By letting go of this, you have�the opportunity to establish a healthy future relationship (way down the road). By so doing, you will teach your children the fundamentals of self-respect and what real love is all about.

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Materialism and Marriage [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 15:47:49 +0000

Did you know that too much materialism can kill your (future)�marriage? A new study highlights the problems when one or both partners focus too much on having more things. We now know the personality traits that are associated with materialism, and with the downfall of marriages as a result. As a single person, you may want to know what to look for as you date and consider someone for marriage. There are clear signs in a new relationship that you may not be financially compatible. Since conflict over money (how to spend, save, and debt) is the number one reason for divorce, it pays to be savvy about it as you date and discover.

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4 Dating and Drinking Etiquette Rules [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 18:36:13 +0000

You’re on a date and it’s time to order a beverage. Should you order alcohol? The answer is: it depends -�on which date it is and�on your personal goals for a relationship. Alcohol fosters illusion and false chemistry, and that can lead to falling into some of the worst temptations. Having a drink or two with your date should be�enjoyable, fun, and never dangerous. It pays to know when to say “yes” to alcohol and when to say “no.” Listen to this podcast for the four dating and drinking etiquette rules that will help you stay on the right path to a great relationship.

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Six Steps to Recover Post Affair [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 22:32:42 +0000

This week�s hot Hollywood news item is that the stars of the blockbuster Twilight series, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, may be getting back together. Why not? One affair doesn�t have to be the end of a relationship. In fact, it can be a new beginning and actually bring a couple closer. But there are things to watch out for along the way if you want a healthy, lasting relationship post affair. Here�s my advice for Robert and Kristen, and all couples in this situation.

Also in this podcast: How to recover from break-ups powerfully so that you can return to being open to the possibility of a loving, lasting relationship!

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Does Online Dating Really Work?

Nina Atwood — Sun, 16 Sep 2012 21:00:42 +0000

Online dating web sites constitute a billion dollar industry, and the big sites – Match.com, eHarmony, and others – will tell you that they�possess secret algorithms that increases your odds of finding the right person. But now a large study published by the Association for Psychological Science reveals what’s really happening. Among their findings:

1. Dating sites�give you greater�access to more potential partners, but the act of browsing and comparing large numbers of profiles can create a mindset of commoditizing potential partners and�reduce the willingness to commit to any one person.

2. Communicating online works well in the short run, but is detrimental if carried on for too long. It can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when potential partners meet in real life.

3. Although many dating sites claim superior results matching�partners through the use of �scientific algorithms,� there is little evidence that these algorithms can predict whether people are good matches or will have chemistry with one another. The authors of the study found that utilizing these matching schemes via online dating sites produces no better results than trying to figure it out on your own.

What this means is that online dating is very useful if you want to conveniently increase the number of choices you have. But it’s not worth the extra money to pay for match-making services, whether via online computerized algorithms, or whether via your local matchmaker. You’re better off figuring out for yourself what kind of partner you seek, meeting lots of new people (online, real world, and/or both), and dating for discovery.

I’ve been touting these principles for years, and summarize them in my newest book, Internet Dating for the Savvy Single, which shows you step-by-step how to use online dating for maximum benefit and minimum risk. It’s only $0.99 – get it today on Amazon.com.

He Backed Away – What Do I Do? [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Sun, 16 Sep 2012 20:34:01 +0000

You are in love with the guy you believe is “the one.” Everything seems to be going great, when suddenly, he backs off. He gives you some kind of lame excuse, or he gives you no excuse, but he doesn’t give you a valid reason. You have nothing to work with, and you realized that you have been abandoned. It is a devastating feeling. Why does this happen? What are the signposts that may tell you when the guy you are dating could be the guy who exits abruptly? Most importantly, what can you do, and how can you respond?

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Breaking Up: Lies, Excuses, and Truths

Nina Atwood — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 17:35:26 +0000

Dear Nina: I just read Internet Dating for the Savvy Single – AWESOME. Packed with common sense dating advice. I am trying to get back to dating but I am having trouble getting over my last relationship. We met on a dating site and instantly clicked – rare. We had an�eight month relationship which was fantastic. I got a STD test and found out I have HSV-1. Asymptomatic – I have NEVER in my life had a cold sore so I was shocked by the results. Needless to say my girlfriend told me that the HSV-1 was a deal-breaker. I offered to take suppression meds -�Valtrex -�so it would minimize her risk. She wouldn’t do it and broke it off. This one is taking me longer than usual to get over due to the fact that there was nothing really wrong with the relationship. Any suggestions on how to overcome this, or just let time do its thing. – Mitchell

Dear Mitchell: I have known TONS of people over the years with the herpes virus, all�in loving�relationships or having no trouble dating. I�m so sorry your girlfriend broke up with you like that, but the truth is, she was going to break up anyway. For whatever reason, the relationship wasn�t working for her, and that gave her the �out� she needed so she wouldn�t have to tell you the full truth. People who love one another and envision a life together just do not break up over something like that that is so manageable. The only thing I recommend for you is to dig a little deeper and look at what was really wrong between you two, because there was something else. Most likely�it was as basic as this: She just wasn�t that into you. Liked you, felt affection for you, thought you were a �neat guy,� etc. But she wasn�t really in love with you. It happens, and it is NO REFLECTION on your value and worth.

People often lie about the�real reasons for breaking up. This is due to the false perception that telling the truth (“I don’t love you”)�is more painful than a little white lie such as “I can’t handle the fact that you have herpes.” The bottom line is this: people stay when they love you and are committed to the relationship. They leave when they don’t love you, are no longer committed to the relationship,�and/or when they feel terribly hurt by something you have done. In your case, Mitchell, you didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t love you.

Do not let this experience put you off of dating or make you fearful about telling someone new about the herpes. My coaching is this: get back out in the game, sooner rather than later. Fear can become your nemesis, and it�s for nothing. Relationships are risky because you don�t know if someone is going to love you back. But they are worth it! So get off your b*** and get back out there! There is a wonderful woman out there who is going to make you instantly forget this girl. But you�ve got to go looking for her. Use the coaching from the book to jump-start your dating life, both with internet dating, and with being open to meeting someone new in daily life.

Internet Dating Part Two [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 16:01:45 +0000

I’ve heard singles for years tell me their reasons for not utilizing the internet to meet someone for dating: a.) there are too many duds, and I always get the duds, b.) no one that I care to meet ever responds to my profile, c.) the ones I do meet turn out to be something less than I thought, d.) it takes too much time to go through all the winks, emails, phone calls, and coffee dates to get to a viable person.

That’s just the beginning of the excuses, but here’s what you need to know. Dating, like any other worthwhile endeavor in your life, takes an investment of time and energy. If you lost your job, would you tell your friends and family that it was just too much trouble to put your resume together and look for another job? Of course not! This is different, of course, because�your need for food, shelter, and clothing pushes you to find work, whereas dating can always be postponed.

What are you waiting for? Maybe it’s time to dedicate some time and energy to one of the most vital parts of life – relationship. Yes, you will be taking risks, emotional and otherwise. Yes, you will make mistakes along the way, and you’ll learn from them. And now the best part – you can minimize your risks by following a few basic principles for online dating.�Listen now to�Part Two of�this series on�internet dating.

Get the complete eBook Internet Dating For the Savvy Single by Nina Atwood on amazon.com for the Kindle [download the Kindle app for all your devices].

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You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to�your music�folder on your computer.�Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach�, anytime!

Top Five Internet Dating Strategies

Nina Atwood — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 15:54:27 +0000

Download Internet Dating for the Savvy Single for the�low price of�$0.99.

Summer�is wedding season and millions of happy brides are finalizing details for their special day. How did these women meet that special guy who popped the question and put a ring on it? It may surprise you to know that one out of five of these couples met on the internet! Internet dating is now approaching one billion dollars in annual revenue. As I’m writing this, tens of thousands of couples who met on the internet are deciding to marry! If you don’t know someone who is happily married who met his or her soul mate online, you will. I personally know half a dozen happily married couples who met through an internet-based dating site.

So why aren’t you jumping on this bandwagon? Why aren’t you surfing your way to love right now? Odds are you’ve tried internet dating and didn’t get the results you wanted, or you decided not to try based on the bad stories you’ve heard. He wasn’t all he seemed to be. He/she was married, a drug addict, a sex addict, a commitment-phobe, a liar, a gold-digger, or a player.

Yes, there are bad stories about online dating. And there are bad stories about meeting people at bars. And bad stories about meeting them at work, at Church, through friends. Bad relationship stories abound because of the dynamics of relationships, not because of where or how the couple met.

Internet dating is a tool that can be used to meet people, no more and no less. And it’s an incredibly efficient tool. You can find people to date while sitting at your laptop in the privacy of your own home. It is a powerful tool, but you must know how to use it wisely. Here are my top five strategies you should employ before you go online to find your soul mate.

1. Invest your money. Signing up for free dating sites puts you squarely in the passive role where you have no choice but to wait and hope that one of the thousands of people surfing through the site finds you. The competition is fierce on dating sites and you will be overlooked. It doesn’t cost much to get a paying membership and it is well worth it. Then, you can look for people who interest you and reach out to them, giving you a greater sense of control over your own destiny.

2. Invest your time. It takes a few hours per week, but if you were hoping to meet someone in face time, you would have to invest multiples of those hours in order to attend enough events to meet a quality person who is not already taken. It’s well worth the time, and you can multi-task since you are sitting there in your own home.

3. Assume nothing about compatibility or character, no matter what the sites tell you. You have to do your own “due diligence”� as you meet people. Even matchmaking sites that purport to do the screening for you don’t get it right on the whole. Nothing substitutes for taking your time getting to know someone slowly, by asking the right kinds of questions. Background checks are essential. Nothing substitutes for meeting in person and relying on good old gut feel.

4. Move from online to real time sooner rather than later. Almost all of the scams that take place on the internet are fueled by spending loads of time online communicating with someone who you are unable to check out. Red flags include receiving tons of romantic emails, poetry, declarations of love, and promises of marriage from someone you haven’t even met. The U.S. State Department in its warnings of internet scams pinpoints the issue: idealizing potential mates that you meet on the internet. That happens when you spend far too many hours, days, and weeks communicating over email or telephone instead of insisting on a face-to-face.

The scammers scram when you refuse to be swept up in online romancing. Additionally, when you do meet someone for the first time, sometimes you find that the chemistry you felt on the phone evaporates in real time. Better to find that out sooner rather than later so that you don’t drown in guilt because now you must reject the person you’ve been talking to every night for weeks.

5. Date more than one person at a time. You can be like the Bachelorette when you date online and that is an advantage. But here’s the way it works: only for a handful of dates, and no sex with any of your Bachelors or Bachelorettes. That way you don’t get too attached and you don’t burn other people by being a player. What works is a handful of dates with two or three guys at a time during which you carefully explore the important issues: chemistry, character, and how much he or she is into you. By the fifth date you should be narrowing down to one stand-out guy or woman. The benefit is the sense of abundance you feel which frees you to be more selective and far less emotionally desperate.

The bottom line is this: if you use internet dating wisely and efficiently, there is no reason you can’t be happily in love in six months or less! For all my step-by-step coaching on how to use internet dating the right way, safely, get Internet Dating for the Savvy Single, available as a Kindle book for only $0.99. (You can download the Kindle app here for your iPad)

Download Internet Dating for the Savvy Single for the low price of�only $0.99!

Love Addiction [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 21:25:20 +0000

Have you ever loved someone who could not or would not move forward and make a real commitment? Did you ever find yourself in the position of holding onto someone who caused you more pain than happiness? Do your friends tell you that you are settling? Do you know what it feels like to believe that the person you love is the ONLY person you could ever love that much, so that you have no objectivity, no ability to choose in or choose out? Do you talk endlessly to your friends and family about�all the problems in your relationship, re-hashing every painful moment, yet feel powerless to either change it or move on?

If you have a pattern of getting into relationships with people who cannot or will not meet your needs, yet you cannot let go of them, you might be suffering from love addiction. Find out what the signs and symptoms are, as well as what you can do to begin your recovery.

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Dancing and the Art of Pursuit

Nina Atwood — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 19:20:11 +0000

Dear Nina: I am a 40-something male who has never married or been in a committed relationship. When I ask why all my friends married and I didn’t, all I can think of is that in some sense, I never learned how to pursue a woman. I’m used to being a loner. The desire is there to have a soulmate, but I’m not in the situations to meet attractive, available people and I fear I didn’t learn the skills or get the experiences I should have gotten 20+ years earlier. But I’m turned off by overly aggressive women who come on way too fast as well. But being in any situation where I’m having to lead others, especially women, feels awkward like having to use my left hand in everything. Any thoughts? – Randall

Dear Randall: I�ve heard similar stories from other men, so you are not alone. You are in a catch-22: you’re inexperienced in the art of pursuit, but uncomfortable with women who might pursue you, so a relationship is unlikely to occur unless you change the paradigm on one side or the other. Which is worst to you at this point? The thought of having to learn how to pursue, or the thought of letting a woman pursue? Whichever scenario you choose, you will need to develop some new �emotional muscles.�

Just like your body that needs regular activity to stay in shape, your emotions also need regular workouts in order to be healthy. The only way to do that is to practice. The question is: where can you practice? You need a safe arena in which to practice the art of pursuit without undue pressure or fear of rejection. One place where I�ve seen men develop lots of confidence is learning ballroom dancing. Dance is a place where you experience �safe touch� � dance for the sport of it, not for romance. Also, ballroom dance requires that you learn how to lead, and as your body develops the muscle memory of leading in the dance (remember, a safe place where you won�t be rejected), your emotions will also learn and develop.

The art of pursuit is a vital skill for men to learn at some point. Women are wired to love being pursued, and men are wired to do it, so when you try to bypass that paradigm, you get relationships that are not satisfying to either party. Studies show that one of the least happy marital dynamics is the one in which the woman leads (resentfully) and the man follows (resentfully). Yes, there are those extremely rare marriages in which the woman leads and both partners like it that way. Leadership, not control, is the name of the game, and it is typically the most comfortable role for the man.

Let me be�very clear for women reading this post: the woman’s role of following in the relationship dance is NOT a passive role. It is very active and requires a strong sense of who you are and�what you want, as well as the ability to push back firmly when warranted. When he leads (calls, initiaties, sets up dates, etc.) and she follows (overjoyed that he called, “yes!”), with maybe a bit of steering now and then (“no, I’m not ready for sex; not until we have a committed relationship”) it tends to work for everyone.

Second Time Around [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 19:28:33 +0000

Why do we choose the people that we do? Sure, there’s physical attraction, but it turns out there are other factors at play when we act the crazy way we do in the name of love. Politics and religion have more to do with it than you may realize, even if you don’t talk about it! Find out all the fascinating science behind love and mate selection.

Also in this Love Strategies show, find out what you need to know to make it more likely that love the second time around can actually work. Divorce and remarriage isn’t so easy, so you will need this information if you are divorced and dating.�Also, understand the risks and hazards�of dating long distance, and what to do about it.

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When the Alpha Female Pursues, Who Wins? No One!

Nina Atwood — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 23:25:09 +0000

Dear Nina: I listen to your podcasts and I have read and refer back to Temptations of the Single Girl�quite a bit!�I became acquainted with a man at my new gym. He happened to be an employee there, selected to evaluate me for a personal fitness consultation. However instead of asking me questions pertaining to my health and fitness I was being interrogated with questions about my relationship status, my career/life choices, and travels. Felt like a date. Long story short I could feel an instant attraction and I could feel it was mutual. Upon returning for another personal training session a few days later I could still feel the sparks flying. In a situation like this, is it safe to say he should make a move to set up a date if he’s interested? Personally I prefer men make the first move, although the alpha female in me wants to take things into her own hands. But I feel like I miss out on opportunities in doing so. What do you think? Am I being too passive? – Michelle

Dear Michelle:�No, you ‘re not being too passive. You are smack in the middle of the Temptation to Take the Lead!

Wanting a guy�to make the first move serves a couple of good purposes. Men are wired for pursuit, so when a guy has to chase after someone he wants, he wants her more, not less. Over time, this clarifies for him how he feels so that he either moves on because he’s not that into her, or he becomes more devoted and in love. The typical guy doesn’t obsess and worry about whether or not she’s into him. Her excitement when he calls�and goes to�see her, her physical displays of affection, and her emotional availability are more than enough.

Women are wired to love being pursued, so when he chases after you, it affirms your emotional security with him. The flip scenario is when the alpha female makes the first move. That sets her up to wonder how much he is into her, something�about which�a woman will endlessly obsess with her friends. Over time, that turns into worsening emotional insecurity.�Then the clinging behavior starts, that turns him off, and�the budding relationship typically crashes and burns.

Remember�this: If he’s into you, he will pursue! There�are�two exceptions to that rule.�One is the�guy who�is so passive (read: insecure) by nature that he will hold back on pursuing hoping that she will take the risk for him by making the first (and second, third, fourth, etc.)�move. The problem is that if you’re an alpha female, you will be very dissatisfied with the passive guy a few years down the road when he fails to initate dates or sex.

The other exception is the guy who is so attractive that he has women constantly making the moves so he doesn’t have to. He’s the lazy, cocky guy who is a poor gamble for a relationship. He will expect you to do all the heavy lifting emotionally while he sits back and enjoys it while it’s good, then takes off for greener pastures when you make emotional demands of him.

What works is the good guy who knows what he wants and goes after her. He calls, he asks you out, he pursues wholeheartedly. He’s emotionally available and he wants YOU. Would he initially love it if you made the first move? Probably. But then he wouldn’t. And you would hate it. No one wins when the alpha female pursues.

Bottom line: you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by letting him make the first moves. But there’s one more issue in the story you’ve told. I’m wondering why this guy who is supposed to be your trainer is “hitting on you.” Is he a guy who hits on women in the gym, using his job to choose his next sexual conquest? Or is he a good guy who is genuinely attracted to you but reluctant to make the first move because you’re a client? Here’s the real opportunity for you: to clarify his intentions so you can either move on or move forward. A suggested script for that might be this one.

“Thanks for helping me get started with my fitness evaluation; I appreciate your help! However, I couldn’t help notice that there seems to be a bit of flirting going on here. Am I imagining that, or are you feeling that as well?” If he says you’re imagining it, then ask him to please focus on your fitness process instead of asking so many personal questions (good boundaries).

But if he indicates that he is feeling that attraction then say something along these lines. “Well, I’m glad to hear I’m not just making it up. But if you’re interested, please call me later and ask me out; here’s my cell phone number.” Then let it go and re-focus on your workout. If he calls and asks you out and you hit it off, ask for a new trainer; otherwise it will be awkward. If he doesn’t call and ask you out, it will be awkward as well, so be ready to�request a new trainer.

There is one other option here. Just do nothing. Re-direct the personal questions, focus on your workout, and let it go. If he’s really into you, he’ll figure out what to do and he will take action. If he’s not into you, or if he is but he’s not available, then you’re still better off because you didn’t take the lead.

Sexting, Cheating, and Real Monogamy [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 23:22:37 +0000

Remember the bizarre meltdown of Congressman Weiner? The story is old but it ties into the debate about monogamy: What is happening to monogamy? If you pay attention to the media, you might begin to conclude that is is an antiquated notion that no longer applies to today’s modern relationships. In this podcast, Nina tackles the issue of monogamy: why it is so important and what it has to do with today’s relationships. Also: is sexting cheating? Are emails of a sexual nature to someone outside of your relationship a sign that you’re cheating? Nina covers all these issues and more, including cyber cheating.

Also in this episode of Love Strategies: How to identify the signs of a relationship that is turning violent and what to do about it. Every woman who has ever felt afraid of her boyfriend or husband should listen to this.

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Why We Love Fifty Shades of Grey

Nina Atwood — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:28:01 +0000

Saturday at the beauty salon where I get my hair done, everyone was buzzing about the bestselling erotic fantasy novel Fifty Shades of Grey. My stylist, eyes glowing, told me I just had to read it. It seems that some of the women in the shop were getting a little marital lift out of Fifty Shades. One customer reportedly had “attacked her husband twice” the week that she read the book. So I gamely downloaded it and did my “research,” and it is truly a page-turning erotic journey. Since the book seems to be such a phenomenon, I wondered about the impact on relationships. Why, I wondered, do we love this book so much?

First, there�s the obvious. He�s hot, she�s hot, and their wild sex life is so combustible it could light up a large city for at least 48 hours if we harnessed it. That said, I don�t think too many men are reading this book. When I mentioned it to my husband he gave me one of those deer-in-the-headlights looks. Not only had he not heard of it, he had no frame of reference for it and couldn�t even begin to understand why anyone would waste time reading it. So the audience is clearly women, millions of them. But what is the allure for us?

Christian Grey, the main male character, represents women�s top fantasy: he�s drop-dead gorgeous, he�s high testosterone (sex three or four�times a day is nothing to him), and he�s unbelievably wealthy (think assets with �b�). This guy drips power, and he aims all of it at the object of his lust and, later, love, Anastasia Steele. But that�s not the real draw to this story.

The book begins with the typical romance novel formula�handsome, sexy, powerful guy meets beautiful, vulnerable woman; at first she resists, then she succumbs to him; bada-bing, bada-boom, they fall in love, and ride off into the sunset together. But E.L. James brilliantly takes the old formula one step further, painting a compelling psychological portrait of a deeply wounded guy�heavily into BDS&M�who is transformed and healed by the love of a good woman.

Christian Grey is a predator, but one that we can imagine taming, just enough so he will be a mate, but not so much that he becomes boring. He�s darkly erotic, powerfully sexy, and ready to be �cured.� What a fantasy! He is the quintessential Wounded Guy. That�s the real draw to this story, and why it�s topping the bestseller lists.

The Wounded Guy attracts the caretaking female like the moth to the flame. He�s the guy whose childhood was so scarring, or whose divorce was so pulverizing, or for whatever reason is so emotionally damaged, that he cannot love in a normal way. Typically, sex is both his weapon and his only way to connect, so he�s driven by the need to seduce and conquer. Women who fall in love with the Wounded Guy often say �but the sex is fabulous�! That little word �but� comes after the long litany of all the damage he�s doing in her life.

His wounds compel him to draw close to her, often in some kind of dramatic, romantic, soul-searing, highly sexually charged way. He bonds fiercely and suddenly, unwilling or unable to pace a relationship. It�s a deep dive, or it�s nothing.

Then, just as she begins to think they are a couple, he acts out his pain. He pulls away, he may indulge in his addiction of choice (drinking, drugs, infidelity, work, etc.), and then he either breaks up or creates so much chaos that she breaks up. Later, he comes back expressing remorse, she softens, and they begin again. This becomes a vicious cycle, completely emotionally exhausting. Over time, it looks like love addiction. Unable to bond in a healthy way, this couple bonds in an addictive way�I can�t live with you and I can�t live without you.

The draw to this kind of guy is powerful for women who are trying to heal their own childhood wounds. Deep down, she wants to bring him out of the darkness of his wounded soul, draw him into the light, and heal him. If she succeeds, she proves something to herself�that she is special, worthy of the attention, love, and desires of this compelling man. There�s just one tiny problem. It doesn�t work.

Contrary to fantasy fiction, you cannot heal the Wounded Guy with love. He needs several swift emotional kicks in the butt. He needs loads of �tough love,� not the sweet, I-adore-you kind of love you want to give him. His healing cannot come from you being his Mommy, the one he didn�t have before.

He needs to hit rock bottom and experience a dramatic loss before he can begin to heal. The pain of doing what he�s always done has to be greater than the pain of change. Because his wounds have compelled him to do so much damage, he needs to experience remorse. There are other steps, but they are best taken in a therapeutic setting, not in the course of a relationship. Big clue: most of them never do heal because they don�t allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to be hurt enough to have to change.

Here�s the real problem with trying to heal the Wounded Guy. You will wear yourself out, and your own emotional needs will not be met. Over time, your lack of success in winning his true love and commitment will erode your self-esteem and self-worth. And at the end of the day, he will probably move on to someone else, transforming mainly out of the process of loss and recovery. It won�t be about you or for you.

The reason we love Fifty Shades of Grey is because it�s the story of every bad love relationship that women have had with their own version of the Wounded Guy. I have my own Fifty Shades in my history, and so do millions of other women. But I moved on years ago, to my sweet, totally devoted Vanilla guy. I no longer need the roller coaster ride of a Fifty Shades relationship. I�m completely content and fulfilled.

If you�re trying to heal your Fifty Shades guy, or if you don�t understand the fiction of the book and you think you�ll one day snare a wounded, sexy billionaire, stop and do some soul-searching. Find out how to side-step this temptation and create a new pathway to a loving, rewarding relationship. Read Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid. Check out the tons of free resources on singlescoach.com and get the enlightenment you need to create the life and love you really want.

Obstacles and Dreams [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Tue, 15 May 2012 15:37:05 +0000

What are your dreams for your life? Do you believe you can make them happen, or have you given up? More importantly, what is in the way of you achieving your dreams? In this enlightening podcast, Nina talks about the power of dreams: defining them, overcoming obstacles, and believing in them. If you are willing to take a few risks, you may want to challenge yourself to a.) define your dreams, and b.) understand how you may be sabotaging yourself on the road to achieving them.

Also, find out how dreams can be the fuel for your life, and what kind of dreams actually motivate people. Understand the role of financial goals and what kind are empowering versus the kind that actually can get in the way. Learn how to create energy, motivation, and more life satisfaction.

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Myth of Free Love [Love Strategies Podcast]

Nina Atwood — Sun, 06 May 2012 23:38:35 +0000

What is “free love” and how does it affect today’s relationships? If you are over the age of 45, you already have some concept, but whether you do or not, the 1960′s notion of “free love” has a huge impact on relationships today. Your life has already been impacted by this historical phenomenon, and you may want to know how, especially for women. It’s not what you think, and in this enlightening podcast Nina shreds old notions about this familiar concept. Find out what real love really�is, how two people can create it together, and why it is so much better than the alternatives, no matter how “free.”

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Miserable and Parents: Should We Divorce?

Nina Atwood — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 16:03:24 +0000

Dear Nina: My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have two children � a 9-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl. We have a difficult, unhappy marriage. There�s no outward fighting or drama, and our young children may not know there�s a problem. But my wife and I rarely have meaningful talks or display affection. We�ve become essentially roommates. We would like to divorce but are worried about the impact on our young kids. Our marriage isn�t completely intolerable. So should we stay together for the kids� benefit? Or should we consider our own (selfish?) desires and divorce? �Martin O., age 39

Dear Martin: First, you are correct to be concerned about your children. There is no question that they will be affected by a divorce. Research shows that children of intact families fare better than children of divorce. They perform better in school, they tend to be physically and emotionally healthier, they are less likely to get involved in drug or alcohol abuse, they are more likely to go to college, and they are more successful later in life. If you can keep your marriage together, it will pay off big-time for your children.

For most struggling couples, there is no one incident that erupts and causes a marriage to deteriorate. Instead, there is a slow drift into a less and less satisfactory relationship. You didn�t start out that way�you clearly loved one another enough at one time to marry and create two children. Now you are faced with the question of what to do, but the framing of your question is limiting. Let�s expand that.

Frame the Situation Differently

The far better question to ask is this one: How can we turn around our difficult and painful relationship patterns and rekindle the love we once shared? You didn�t always feel the way you do. You once loved one another enough to marry. Where there was once love, there can be love again, and for the sake of your children, you should try.

A new way to frame this situation is from the perspective of �earning your way out.� What that means is that you begin with the intention of healing your relationship, open to the possibility of either rekindling your love or going your separate ways with grace and dignity. With that intention, you find a really good therapist who will coach you in how to communicate effectively � by far the biggest issue in marriages gone awry. The communication process will enable you to address your issues in a way that is respectful and also with greater emotional connection than you have been experiencing.

Earning your way out means closing the door on divorce while you go through marriage counseling. You don�t see other people, and you don�t make a unilateral decision to move on. You trust the process to reveal whether your differences can be resolved. You make the decision together about whether you will stay together. You apologize for your transgressions during the marriage, and you work toward forgiveness before you decide to divorce.

Don�t give up too early

I have witnessed couples who were convinced that their marriage was over, that there was no possibility that they could ever stay together, find their way back to the love they once shared. Far too many couples throw in the towel too soon, only to find out later that single life is very difficult when you are raising children. Co-parenting after divorce is also hard; you are partners as parents for the rest of your life so you will still have to work out many of your differences in order to do the best thing for your children.

If you can make a commitment to work on your relationship for a considerable period of time, you may create a way back to one another. But if not, you will be far better able to give your children a strong foundation from which to move forward in their own lives with as little pain as possible. From a place of forgiveness and healing, you demonstrate to your children that you gave it all you had to give, and that you honored your marriage the best you could. That will be the powerful legacy you give them.

If you decide to move on, use collaborative family lawyers. The collaborative process enables you to maintain the healing work you have done.

Note: this article was originally published by SingleDadHouse in Nina’s monthly column. For loads of resources for single dads, visit www.singledadhouse.com.