First, there’s the obvious. He’s hot, she’s hot, and their wild sex life is so combustible it could light up a large city for at least 48 hours if we harnessed it. That said, I don’t think too many men are reading this book. When I mentioned it to my husband he gave me one of those deer-in-the-headlights looks. Not only had he not heard of it, he had no frame of reference for it and couldn’t even begin to understand why anyone would waste time reading it. So the audience is clearly women, millions of them. But what is the allure for us?

Christian Grey, the main male character, represents women’s top fantasy: he’s drop-dead gorgeous, he’s high testosterone (sex three or four times a day is nothing to him), and he’s unbelievably wealthy (think assets with “b”). This guy drips power, and he aims all of it at the object of his lust and, later, love, Anastasia Steele. But that’s not the real draw to this story.

The book begins with the typical romance novel formula—handsome, sexy, powerful guy meets beautiful, vulnerable woman; at first she resists, then she succumbs to him; bada-bing, bada-boom, they fall in love, and ride off into the sunset together. But E.L. James brilliantly takes the old formula one step further, painting a compelling psychological portrait of a deeply wounded guy—heavily into BDS&M—who is transformed and healed by the love of a good woman.

Christian Grey is a predator, but one that we can imagine taming, just enough so he will be a mate, but not so much that he becomes boring. He’s darkly erotic, powerfully sexy, and ready to be “cured.” What a fantasy! He is the quintessential Wounded Guy. That’s the real draw to this story, and why it’s topping the bestseller lists.

The Wounded Guy attracts the caretaking female like the moth to the flame. He’s the guy whose childhood was so scarring, or whose divorce was so pulverizing, or for whatever reason is so emotionally damaged, that he cannot love in a normal way. Typically, sex is both his weapon and his only way to connect, so he’s driven by the need to seduce and conquer. Women who fall in love with the Wounded Guy often say “but the sex is fabulous”! That little word “but” comes after the long litany of all the damage he’s doing in her life.

His wounds compel him to draw close to her, often in some kind of dramatic, romantic, soul-searing, highly sexually charged way. He bonds fiercely and suddenly, unwilling or unable to pace a relationship. It’s a deep dive, or it’s nothing.

Then, just as she begins to think they are a couple, he acts out his pain. He pulls away, he may indulge in his addiction of choice (drinking, drugs, infidelity, work, etc.), and then he either breaks up or creates so much chaos that she breaks up. Later, he comes back expressing remorse, she softens, and they begin again. This becomes a vicious cycle, completely emotionally exhausting. Over time, it looks like love addiction. Unable to bond in a healthy way, this couple bonds in an addictive way—I can’t live with you and I can’t live without you.

The draw to this kind of guy is powerful for women who are trying to heal their own childhood wounds. Deep down, she wants to bring him out of the darkness of his wounded soul, draw him into the light, and heal him. If she succeeds, she proves something to herself—that she is special, worthy of the attention, love, and desires of this compelling man. There’s just one tiny problem. It doesn’t work.

Contrary to fantasy fiction, you cannot heal the Wounded Guy with love. He needs several swift emotional kicks in the butt. He needs loads of “tough love,” not the sweet, I-adore-you kind of love you want to give him. His healing cannot come from you being his Mommy, the one he didn’t have before.

He needs to hit rock bottom and experience a dramatic loss before he can begin to heal. The pain of doing what he’s always done has to be greater than the pain of change. Because his wounds have compelled him to do so much damage, he needs to experience remorse. There are other steps, but they are best taken in a therapeutic setting, not in the course of a relationship. Big clue: most of them never do heal because they don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to be hurt enough to have to change.

Here’s the real problem with trying to heal the Wounded Guy. You will wear yourself out, and your own emotional needs will not be met. Over time, your lack of success in winning his true love and commitment will erode your self-esteem and self-worth. And at the end of the day, he will probably move on to someone else, transforming mainly out of the process of loss and recovery. It won’t be about you or for you.

The reason we love Fifty Shades of Grey is because it’s the story of every bad love relationship that women have had with their own version of the Wounded Guy. I have my own Fifty Shades in my history, and so do millions of other women. But I moved on years ago, to my sweet, totally devoted Vanilla guy. I no longer need the roller coaster ride of a Fifty Shades relationship. I’m completely content and fulfilled.

If you’re trying to heal your Fifty Shades guy, or if you don’t understand the fiction of the book and you think you’ll one day snare a wounded, sexy billionaire, stop and do some soul-searching. Find out how to side-step this temptation and create a new pathway to a loving, rewarding relationship. Read Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid. Check out the tons of free resources on singlescoach.com and get the enlightenment you need to create the life and love you really want.

Also, find out how dreams can be the fuel for your life, and what kind of dreams actually motivate people. Understand the role of financial goals and what kind are empowering versus the kind that actually can get in the way. Learn how to create energy, motivation, and more life satisfaction.

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Dear Martin: First, you are correct to be concerned about your children. There is no question that they will be affected by a divorce. Research shows that children of intact families fare better than children of divorce. They perform better in school, they tend to be physically and emotionally healthier, they are less likely to get involved in drug or alcohol abuse, they are more likely to go to college, and they are more successful later in life. If you can keep your marriage together, it will pay off big-time for your children.

For most struggling couples, there is no one incident that erupts and causes a marriage to deteriorate. Instead, there is a slow drift into a less and less satisfactory relationship. You didn’t start out that way—you clearly loved one another enough at one time to marry and create two children. Now you are faced with the question of what to do, but the framing of your question is limiting. Let’s expand that.

Frame the Situation Differently

The far better question to ask is this one: How can we turn around our difficult and painful relationship patterns and rekindle the love we once shared? You didn’t always feel the way you do. You once loved one another enough to marry. Where there was once love, there can be love again, and for the sake of your children, you should try.

A new way to frame this situation is from the perspective of “earning your way out.” What that means is that you begin with the intention of healing your relationship, open to the possibility of either rekindling your love or going your separate ways with grace and dignity. With that intention, you find a really good therapist who will coach you in how to communicate effectively – by far the biggest issue in marriages gone awry. The communication process will enable you to address your issues in a way that is respectful and also with greater emotional connection than you have been experiencing.

Earning your way out means closing the door on divorce while you go through marriage counseling. You don’t see other people, and you don’t make a unilateral decision to move on. You trust the process to reveal whether your differences can be resolved. You make the decision together about whether you will stay together. You apologize for your transgressions during the marriage, and you work toward forgiveness before you decide to divorce.

Don’t give up too early

I have witnessed couples who were convinced that their marriage was over, that there was no possibility that they could ever stay together, find their way back to the love they once shared. Far too many couples throw in the towel too soon, only to find out later that single life is very difficult when you are raising children. Co-parenting after divorce is also hard; you are partners as parents for the rest of your life so you will still have to work out many of your differences in order to do the best thing for your children.

If you can make a commitment to work on your relationship for a considerable period of time, you may create a way back to one another. But if not, you will be far better able to give your children a strong foundation from which to move forward in their own lives with as little pain as possible. From a place of forgiveness and healing, you demonstrate to your children that you gave it all you had to give, and that you honored your marriage the best you could. That will be the powerful legacy you give them.

If you decide to move on, use collaborative family lawyers. The collaborative process enables you to maintain the healing work you have done.

Note: this article was originally published by SingleDadHouse in Nina’s monthly column. For loads of resources for singles dads, visit www.singledadhouse.com.

Also in this podcast, find out what couples author Steve Stosny calls “toddler love.” Understand what it is, how it impact relationships, and how can you can avoid shooting yourself in the foot in a new relationship.

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One study, conducted by Syracuse University Professor Stephanie Ortigue, revealed that up to twelve areas of the brain are involved in falling in love, the net result of which is a feeling of euphoria not unlike the feeling derived from the use of cocaine. Researchers found that this could happen in as little as a fifth of a second. They also found that the experience of love is based on processes that take place not just in the brain, but also in the heart and stomach. “Butterflies” in the stomach when you see that special person are real!

It may be unromantic to talk about love in the brain and physiological sense because it feels so incredibly real when it happens. You don’t think about brain chemistry when your eyes lock with your future parner’s for the first time, but you are definitely at the effect of it. All twelve of those areas of your brain work overtime and the net result is that you fall in love, whether instantaneously or over time. Like most people, you probably thought you were making a good decision the last time you feel in love, but if you’re reading this article, odds are that didn’t turn out so well. It’s not surprising, because those chemical responses are not designed for discernment about who is good for you in the long run.

Sociologist Helen Fisher says that it only takes seconds to size up a potential partner. In a flash, we scan the other person visually, then listen to his voice, and just like that, a decision is made. Either we mentally “pass,” or we continue. These snap-of-the-finger processes are part of the brain’s design, built in millions of years ago when we needed them to instantly discern who or what might be a source of danger. We have no control over those first few seconds, but after that, anything goes.

Not everyone falls in love instantaneously. Surveys of long term couples typically find that only a small percentage of them report instant love. Most of them say that it took time, weeks or even months, to fall in love. Studies also show that the development of non-romantic love, or deep-rooted caring love, takes far longer, and many couples never get there. But the ones who last, do.

The problem with instant love is that it isn’t accurate. Couples who fall in love quickly also tend to have sex, or marry, quickly. A 13-year longitudinal study by Tom Huston at the University of Texas Austin (Huston et al., 2001) found that couples with steady, longer courtship periods and awareness of each other’s strengths and weaknesses were more likely to remain happily married over the long term. By contrast, couples with Hollywood Romances, those bursting, passionate courtships and overnight weddings, quickly grew dissatisfied as spouses, and predictably, were more likely to divorce within seven years.

While falling in love quickly feels great, it very rarely leads to a satisfying long-term relationship. This is trading long-term happiness for the short-term euphoria of passion and the fantasy orientation that goes along with that. Generally, the more euphoric a relationship and the faster the pace in the beginning, the harder the fall later on.

Pacing your relationship over time, the conventional wisdom of “getting to know you,” actually turns out to be good advice. When you pace your relationship, you trade the instant gratification of fueling the passion in favor of the long-term benefit of building a powerful foundation for a lasting love. Instead of a sprint, it turns out the best relationships are marathons.

Emotional pacing is the cornerstone of the advice you’ll find in Temptations of the Single Girl. Visit the rest of www.singlescoach.com for loads of free advice about how to date smart, pace yourself, and find true, lasting love!

For more on this, listen to my podcast “Love at First Sight.”

Also in this podcast: how to effectively deal with the lying about age, height, and weight that you may encounter in the online dating world. Also, living together and money: how it can both define your relationship and cause your future divorce, and what you can do about it.

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Everyday Health reports the latest research on men’s health and the findings are in – men are healthier along every major dimension when they marry. From sex to cancer to heart problems, married men fare better.

Married service men have lower rates of PTSD. Married men live longer, behave better, and drink less. For the full run-down, read the article in Everyday Health: “7 Ways Marriage Helps Men’s Health.”

Of course, the obvious caveat is that when you marry it’s important to marry someone you love, respect, and admire. Studies show that couples who stay together – happily – are the ones who make the transition from falling in love to a deeper kind of love that includes admiration and respect. Your choice of dating partner leads to your choice of spouse, so it’s vital to make the right choice.

Check back for my newest book, coming soon, just for guys – Date Like a CEO. Bookmark my author page on amazon.com for all the latest. Find out how to date smart and marry the love of your life by exercising leadership, not control, in relationships.

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Get Nina’s new book for guys, Date Like a CEO, coming soon on amazon.com and through other book distribution outlets.

Dear Linda: Usually when someone has as many reservations as you have expressed about this guy, it is for a good reason. You’re right – people make time for things and people that are important. Behavior always tells the true story of a relationship. Your story points to many, many red flags, among them the secrecy, the lack of effort to talk to you when he’s traveling, the defensiveness when you ask questions, and the frequent break-ups.

Six to eight years is long enough to know what you have. Instead of devotion, what you have is a relationship of convenience – when it’s convenient you get together. Instead of commitment, you have resistance – to openly sharing about what you want out of life, what you want together, and your dreams and plans for the future. Instead of emotional security, what you have is instability – constantly breaking up rather than working out your issues together. Instead of contentment and joy you have fear – of getting hurt, of having to be there for someone else, of having to deal with the work of a real relationship.

Sounds like you’re dating the Wounded Guy, but it also sounds like you are dealing with your share of emotional wounds as well. Two frightened people do not usually combine and create a healthy, loving relationship.

Here’s what I know for sure: the only person you have control over is YOU. The place to begin is for you to define what you really want in a relationship. Set aside this guy in your mind for a moment and ask yourself: what do I want my life to look like in five or ten years? Create a vision of your life including a loving relationship and what that looks like to you. Now, go back and compare the relationship you have to the one you want, and the life you want. I think you already know the answer – this is going nowhere. But you have a choice to make – to continue settling for less than what you really want, or to remember how strong you are and move on.

If you haven’t already, read Temptations of the Single Girl so you can understand the choices and behaviors that led you to this place. Get support from family, friends, and a good coach or therapist. You can have the life and the love you want if you are willing to do the inner work needed so you can recover from the past and create and believe in a new future.

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Dear Kim: You are right; you succumbed to the Temptation to Get Sexual Too Soon, leaving you in an emotional needy state and a now fragile relationship. Without asking him I cannnot be certain of the reasons, but in general, we can probably assume one or more of the following issues is at play:

1. He was in hot pursuit until you had sex; now the chasing is over for him and the choosing is over for you; After only a handful of dates, he feels pressured to be a great boyfriend in a committed relationship - too much too soon.
2. Men do not fall in love through having sex; they fall in love through being in pursuit of a woman whom they see as desirable on every level, not just sexually desirable; usually many weeks to months; since that process was shortened, it may have interfered with his falling deeper in love.
3. One of the reasons people feel afraid of getting into relationships is because they rush into them too quickly; when your lust gets ahead of your due diligence, it is difficult to feel confident about the risk you are taking; thus it make sense that you were feeling afraid; however, telling him that you are afraid can be off-putting.
4. Too much alcohol early in a relationship distorts your experience so that you can feel more attached than you really are; he may have been feeling a false bond due to alcohol, but later realized that he was not as into this relationship as he originally felt.
5. Now that you have had sex with him, you want more; that is very understandable because women tend to bond during and especially after sex; but if he is not ready for more, it makes you feel needy, and that is usually a turn off to a guy.

The bottom line is that you have not had enough time getting to know each other to build a bridge between your hearts. That takes time, and it is best done OUT of the bedroom. My suggestion is that when/if he contacts you again, and asks to see you, suggest that you meet somewhere for lunch or dinner. Keep the alcohol to one drink only, and use that time to have the you and me conversation. Be candid and let him know that having sex at this point was too  soon emotionally for you, and that you would like to back up and get to know each other better.

This will not be an easy step; it will be uncomfortable having the conversation, and it will be difficult staying out of bedroom. The way to do it is to have no dates at either of your homes for two or three months, and to have dates that are actual dates where he takes you out to eat or to shows or sporting events or movies. Hanging out dates are for well-developed, committed relationships, not for the early stages. Minimize alcohol with this guy and with anyone you  date. It is high risk to get intoxicated with someone early in a relationship.

What you need is to get back in the position of being pursued, and to not give that up for a long time. That will empower you, give you back your confidence, and put your relationship back in a workable position from which to grow. That said, there is no guarantee that he will go back into pursuit mode, and if he does not, you have your answer. It may be an expensive (emotionally) way to learn but you can learn these lessons and go forward to have a healthy relationship.

Dear Adam: There are major red flags all over this “relationship.” No, it’s not okay to have threesomes, and it’s not okay to have someone you once had a threesome with spend the night with you and blow off your boyfriend. It’s not okay, that is, if you want a committed relationship that is built around love and fidelity. My question is: what are your values? What is okay and not okay with you? If you don’t have any sexual boundaries yourself, you can’t expect her to. But if you do have moral boundaries about sex, then date someone else who shares your values. You are fooling yourself if you think she will change. Get some coaching if you need to clarity your own values and boundaries.

On the subject of sexual boundaries:

One of the biggest myths that took root in our culture and that is still doing damage today is this one: “Sex is just sex. It’s about physical pleasure and nothing more. Anyone can engage in sex with another person and it is no more meaningful than eating chocolate ice cream for pleasure.”

This is pure hogwash, promoted primarily by the Playboy mentality of sexuality that flourished in the 1960s and is still prevalent.

Here’s the reality: Sex is about three things: 1. procreation, 2. connection, and 3. pleasure.

The pleasure part is how we were created so that we would be motivated to procreate. Makes sense, doesn’t it? If it didn’t feel so gosh darn good, and if we didn’t have hormones that create a powerful drive to have sex, our species would have died out long ago. Procreation, obviously, is the deepest of biological drives. Without it, life simply would not flourish on this planet.

The connection part is what is so confusing to some people. We are wired to seek to bond with our sexual partners. That mechanism is what guides us to form families, the system inside of which children have the greatest opportunity to flourish. Seeking to have sex without love goes against the emotional, familial, and spiritual impulses that make us uniquely human.

Yes, the physical, animal self is fully capable of having sex without attaching deeply. But over time, the sex-without-love person becomes emotionally numb, cut off from the ability to attach. The “pleasure principle” of sexuality, it turns out, isn’t so pleasureable in the long run. I have the case files over a twenty five year career to prove it.

If you want a real relationship, know your sexual boundaries and don’t compromise them. Aim for keeping sex special, to be thoroughly enjoyed in the context of a loving relationship. Date only those who share your values and sexual boundares. You will be healthier, happier, and on the path to a wonderful lifetime relationship.

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Experts say fears of not keeping a job, a widening labor market for women and a shift away from having kids at a young age are some of the reasons people in their 20s and early 30s are not joining the ranks of married people, at least not until they are older.

But does this really mean that marriage is on its way out as an institution? I don’t think so, and here’s why. Listen to this special podcast to find out why I believe marriage is alive and well. Find out why it is so important to understand how most people really FEEL about marriage, and how to handle those conversations in dating.

Also on this podcast: How do you know the difference between the guy who is “pacing” the realtionship versus the guy who is stalling? Find out the vital signs that tell you the real story when a guy slows down.

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Dear Marin: You are wrestling with several issues here, so let’s separate them and look at them one at a time. First, you are trying to learn from your parents’ mistakes but I think you may have drawn the wrong conclusion about their divorce. Thirty years is a long time, and you’ve said they loved each other. Maybe they gave up too soon. Far too many couples throw in the towel these days, usually over issues that could have been addressed and healed. That would have given you the model you seek – one of love, forgiveness, and healthy re-connection.

Second, you are trying to understand when it’s appropriate to stay and when it’s appropriate to leave a relationship. I am guessing your six year relationship probably should have ended at about six months. Why? Because it is usually fundamental differences in values and lifestyle issues that cause long-term dating relationships to end. Or, it was a lack of sufficient love and commitment on one or both of your parts – you may have settled up front. Bottom line is this: date with a strong intention to meet your right partner and move forward into marriage. If the relationship doesn’t meet your basic criteria early on, move on!

Third, I think you’re confusing independence with other issues. If you are strong and you date someone who is looking for a caretaker, you have a need to be with someone who “needs” you. That can feel like false security – if he needs you, he’s less likely to leave you.

I’m reading insecurity all over your question – you are fearful of settling, fearful of rejection (for being who you are – independent), and fearful of making a big mistake. The “independent socks” you are pulling up are really the socks you put on with your running shoes. F.E.A.R. is driving you away from new men – false evidence appearing real – “he won’t like my independence” and other self-created assumptions.

The healing for you is finding the courage to stay until you really know what you have or do not have with someone. It is trusting yourself to know when something is unhealthy and to leave when it is truly appropriate, not out of the fear of rejection. Develop and trust your “inner compass” – that part of you that knows, deep down, when something is right for you, or not. Look for strong men to date, and be willing to take the risk that it might not work out. By taking the risk of dating someone who is your equal, and hanging in there, you will find your own emotional security, and that will lead you into a healthy, loving connection. Get coaching to help you make these discernments along the way and support to stay in the game.

It depends. The timing varies depending on the age of the children and the circumstances of the Dad’s single life. Most children fantasize that their divorced parents will reunite. Meeting someone new crushes that hope, and that can be difficult for them. There are no hard and fast rules about the timing of introducing someone new to your children. What’s important is to consider all
the circumstances and make your best judgment call.

The first consideration is when to begin dating following a divorce with children. Ideally, you invest in healing the relationship with your Ex first; i.e., restoring good communication, making sure that you don’t do anything offensive or inflammatory such as bad-mouthing your Ex, doing some family counseling if needed. The goal is to align on being co-parenting partners going forward. This protects your children and greatly eliminates the stress later on of bringing a new person into the picture. Nothing is a bigger bucket of cold water on a budding romance than having ongoing negative drama with your Ex.

When you’re ready to date, the next consideration is how much to tell them, and that depends on their age. If your children are really little, they won’t understand much about what’s happening so communication isn’t as critical. If they are older, talk to them up front and prepare them as much as possible. Tell them that you want to meet someone new to share your life with, talk about what it means to date, and what it looks like (i.e., I will have someone stay with you while I take someone out to dinner and a movie). Having moral principles such as no sex until you are in a very committed relationship makes a positive difference in their lives, for obvious reasons. For your teenage children, telling them your moral stance on dating gives them immense reassurance as well as a role model for their behavior.

Clarify their role in your process of choosing your future spouse. This part is controversial but worth considering, and it’s a decision point. Should you make a commitment to your children that you will only remarry if they like the person you choose? Or should you take the stance that it’s your choice and they just have to live with it even if they strongly dislike the person you choose? I lean toward the former, for a number of reasons. One, it gives them a measure of emotional security at a time when they have had most of it removed because of the divorce. Two, it gives you a reality check – why would you want to marry someone your children don’t like? Maybe they can see something you don’t. Three, it forces you to balance your attraction to someone new with your children’s needs, and that means lots of self-reflection and quality communication.

The next consideration is their overall wellbeing. Are your children adjusting well to their new lives? Are they thriving, doing well in school? Do they open up and talk to you, do you know what’s going on in their world? If so, they are probably ready when you are. You’ll know you’re ready to introduce someone when a.) you really, really like the person, b.) she really, really likes you, and c.) something special is developing with future potential.

If, on the other hand, your children are not doing well, not thriving, and seem to be spiraling down or have ongoing psychological issues from the divorce or death, it’s probably not good timing. In that case, you might want to consider putting off dating until things improve. I’ve had single parent clients over the years make the wise decision to focus on helping their children heal first, then date later.

Consider attachment issues. Young children (early grade school or younger), have a strong tendency to bond quickly with anyone you bring home, as long as that person is basically nice. Be sure you are in a serious relationship before you introduce them so you don’t put your little ones through round after round of broken attachments.

Last, and not least, consider your partner’s preferences. Talk about when the timing would be best to introduce your children to her, and her children to you if she has them. Balance your needs with hers, and make sure your discussion revolves around both your children’s current state of wellbeing and ages.

One caveat: some people believe that you should wait until you’re sure you want to marry the person you’re dating so that your children don’t experience a “revolving door” of potential partners. The problem is that you’ve already made your choice at that point and if your children really don’t like the person you’ve chosen, it’s almost impossible to unwind. You can handle the revolving door issue by dating smart: casually date, without sex, a number of people. Only get involved with someone of good character who shares your values and wants what you want out of life. That narrows the field a lot, so that by the time you introduce someone to your children you are solidly on the road to marriage.

Nina is a regular contributor to Single Dad House: http://singledadhouse.com/. Check it out!

Do you think that texting creates insecurity and misunderstanding in a relationship? And does it give a man more power?

Texting is just a tool, and like any other tool, it can be used constructively or destructively. If you have an issue in your relationship, texting is not the avenue to solve it. Face-to-face interaction is better because you stand a far better chance of reading the nuances of your partner’s emotions. Printed words can be easily misunderstood – people often react strongly to the written word because they misinterpret the other person’s intentions. Here’s the general rule: if it’s emotionally sensitive, take it to the telephone or face-to-face.

Texting doesn’t give a man more  power. Women give away their power by responding to texts instead of holding  out for real-time interactions. For example, women often respond to requests  for dates via text. That is settling for less! It’s so incredibly safe for a  guy to text a woman for a date – he doesn’t have to risk the rejection of  hearing her say “no.” Some guys send out texts to multiple women and the first  one that says “yes” gets the date. Sheesh! This is boy behavior, not man behavior. Women feel insecure when they settle for immature behavior and allow it to keep them off-balance.

Do  you think that the modern dating world and the increase of casual relationships is due to texting?

No – texting inappropriately is a symptom of the  increase in casual relationships. The cause is women settling for crumbs  instead of holding out for the banquet. We teach people how to treat us, and  unfortunately, we have a couple of generations of women who have been teaching guys that they don’t have to do anything to win their attention. I have had guys tell me that they can go out to a bar where a lot of cute girls hang out, and walk out two hours later with their pockets full of phone numbers – given to them without even asking!

Women used to set the bar much higher for men – demanding respect and love, unwilling to simply be a “sex object.” Now, all a cute guy has to do is text “want to hang out?” and he has someone to sleep with that night. This is a huge problem that costs both men and women – no one feels good at the end of a casual hook up. The number one temptation that single women succumb to is getting sexual too soon, hoping for more, but unable to get it because having sex too soon inhibits real emotional intimacy.

Dating is complicated with technology, so do you think you should even text someone you’re dating or in a relationship with?

Texting is a fun tool in a loving committed relationship. My husband travels with his job and we often text little love notes. It’s fun, when it’s used in the context of a secure relationship, as a way of staying in touch on the fly. In that way, it can be very positive. You don’t have to be married for it to work in a positive way, you just need to be in a solid relationship and use it for little touches and checking in – never for addressing sensitive issues.

Do you think texting is a positive or negative thing when it comes to intimacy?

Another way to say intimacy is “into me see,” and that is the real purpose. It’s about being transparent, revealing your true self – hopes, dreams, fears, aspirations, history, etc. – to another person. That kind of intimacy is how you bond with someone in a relationship. You can text someone you are intimate with, but you cannot create intimacy with texting.

Lastly, do you have any additional comments or thoughts when it comes to texting and dating?

Dating is supposed to be fun but at the end of the day it’s about finding the right person with whom to share your life. If you want a great relationship, take it to the real world, and take some emotional risks. Play it smart by putting off sex for a considerable period of time until you are confident that you have a loving, committed relationship. Your self-respect will skyrocket and your love life will be the best it’s ever been. Then, you can text your Sweetie to your heart’s content!

…And What to Do About It

Fourteen years ago, the holidays came around but I was not in a festive mood. Everywhere I looked, there were constant reminders of what was supposed to be happening in my life: happy couples strolling along in the mall, television commercials featuring the guy giving the girl a gorgeous diamond ring, not to mention those holiday songs of love. I was divorced, had broken up with my latest boyfriend, and what I wanted most for Christmas was for it to be over, already.

I know firsthand what it feels like to feel left out, and that’s what most singles experience during the holidays. What I didn’t do then was take charge, but later in my single years before I met my husband I learned to do exactly that. I learned that if you are passive, opportunities pass you by,
and that being proactive wins the day. That lesson, of course, holds true for just about any life crisis. Here are the three main reasons that you will find the holidays challenging, and what to do about them.

1. The media highlights the deficit. We life in a  highly commercialized culture, more so during the holidays than any other time of year, and virtually none of it is geared toward singles. This, despite the fact that single adult women (not including men) now number over fifty four million! The message of the media is that you should be in a relationship, and during the holidays that message goes triple, highlighting your single state even more than usual.

This deficit has an impact, whether you realize it consciously or not. A recent survey by a very large online dating service polled singles and asked them to rank order their wish list for the holidays. The survey found that most singles would rather find someone to date than get a
job, if they’re out of work. Astounding! That’s in reverse of what it should be, but it shows how needy you can feel during the holidays if you are single.

We are wired for connection. Some say that being single should not feel bad, that you should feel no deficit. But in fact, it’s difficult to overcome that feeling no matter how much rationale you apply. Our brains work on two things simultaneously, all the time in the background – connection and safety. If you are single and want a relationship, you can feel even more desperate for
connection during the holidays.

2. Families highlight the deficit. The number one question family members ask when you go home is “why are you still single?” It’s very stressful to think about the question, let alone try to explain. Family members don’t intend to add to your stress, but they do it inadvertently by asking intrusive questions for which you have no answers. This can make you feel reluctant to be with family, since you anticipate the questions. It can make you cut short your time with them,
especially if you are the only single adult left in your family. A recent large survey of singles found that both men and women tend to lie about their status with family, just to avoid these issues.

3. Holiday depression can be worse. People in general are more prone to depression during
the holidays because it’s impossible to live up to the expectations set by media – that your family will be perfect and you’ll have a magical time with them. If you’re single, the expectation to have someone with whom to share all those events is so high that you’re set up for a letdown.

For each of these challenges, there are simple steps to take – simple, but not necessarily easy. Sometimes the things we most need to do to resolve our issues are not rocket science, but they do require action on our part, action that takes us out of the usual comfort zones.

1. Set boundaries with family. I always recommend honesty – lying about your status
provokes more questions from family members and that leads to more evasion. It’s simpler to have a stock answer that tells the truth but sets a boundary – “I am holding out for someone very special so that I will have the best shot at a good marriage that will last. I know that’s what you want for me. That’s all I really have to share for now, but you’ll be one of the first to know when I
meet the right person.”

2. Take charge of your social life and have an adventure. The holidays are a great excuse to create your own adventure. Book an exotic vacation with a tour group, preferably a group of other singles. Don’t go alone – unless you are really emotionally secure, traveling alone can make you feel even more alone.

Throw your own holiday party. Ask three or four other single friends to help you organize and throw a party. Each single person asks three or four other single friends, for a couple of levels out. Very quickly, you will have a houseful of singles, and before the night is over, half of them will have a date for New Year’s Eve!

3. The best antidote for depression is activity; the second is giving. Before you feel the holiday blues descend, make contingency plans for combatting them. Set up regular workout times with one or more buddies who will hold you accountable for showing up. Physical exercise is a great antidote for depression – it triggers the release of dopamine, the brain’s natural pleasure chemical.

The next best antidote for depression is giving. Set up a schedule of time contribution to your favorite charities. Getting involved in something that makes a positive impact on the lives of others is one of the best ways to stimulate your brain’s feel-good chemicals. Research on happiness teaches that we do not get happy by trying to get what we want; rather, we feel a natural upsurge in happiness levels when we give to others – and not by writing checks, but by participating.

Yes, the holidays can be a challenge, but by putting things in place now, you have every opportunity to create and experience one of your best holidays ever. The side benefit of all of this is that by lifting your own spirits, you will be even more attractive to others. Who knows? By making yourself happy this holiday season you may attract someone very special – another proactive person who is making his own happiness!

Dear Samantha: There is nothing wrong with you. He is what we call “a player,” meaning that he’s not looking for a relationship, he is only looking for casual sex. His secrecy about his life and age are clues that this guy is not being up front. I’ll give you the bottom line first: you dodged a bullet.

Avoiding Temptation. The beginning of your story is something I hear all the time from women – girl meets devlishly handome boy, is charmed by him, thinks he wants love but finds out later that he only wants sex. Because you put your values out front, you successfully avoided the temptation to get sexual too soon. Good for you! Far too many women fall for the charms of players, fall into bed, and find out quickly that they are nothing more than objects to guys like this one.

The only thing that bothers me in your story is that you feel hurt, and that is curious. Why would you be hurt because a guy who only wants to use women moved on? This is a good reason to feel empowered, to pat yourself on the back, and to hold your head high. If you feel rejected, it is for all the right reasons – because you stuck to your values. Yea!

Next! My advice – yell “next!” at the top of your lungs, and get back into the dating scene. Your take-away from this experience: it pays to put your values out front and stick to them.

Millions watched Kim’s wedding, and you can bet that the majority of those viewers were young women – impressionable girls who desperately wanted to believe the fairy tale. The message leading up to the wedding was compelling: that the temptation to rush into a relationship pays off big-time! Kim and Kris dated four months, barely enough time to begin to get to know one another, and in this case even more difficult because it was long distance. The reward: a whopping 20 carat two million dollar engagement ring and romantic proprosal!

What followed the engagement was the spectacle of millions being spent on one day in this couple’s life – yes it’s a big day, but that big? And every young woman and teenage girl watching this unfold got the message: it’s ALL about the wedding! What they did not see was a couple with the emotional maturity to say, “all this stuff is fun, but it’s not what we are about.”

Now, the marriage is over, and the final message is clear: since it’s all about the courtship and the wedding, and that’s over, the marriage is over. The problem is that this message is becoming all too prevalent, and it has nothing to do with real relationships and lasting marriages. We should care about that because it is having an impact on Generation Y, and that will have a lasting impact on future families.

Here’s what we should take away from Kim Kardashian’s marriage and divorce:

- A whirlwind romance, romantic proposal, and big diamond do NOT add up to real love

- The size of the wedding and money spent have nothing to do with marriage

- Speeding like a bullet train into a marriage is a warning sign – usually it means that the two people doing the speeding are emotionally desperate to connect while simultaneously terrified of finding out who the real person is that they are so desperate to “seal the deal” with

- We need to flip the priorities: pay FAR more attention to what it takes to have a successful marriage, and far LESS attention to the wedding; see www.smartmarriages.com

- Newlywed couples need more support for staying together; instead of giving them an easy out, let’s push them to work it out

If your daughter fell in love with Kim Kardashian’s brief relationship and all the media hype that surrounded it, maybe it’s time to introduce her to a more thoughtful way of framing relationships. How about this – it’s ALL about your ability to love and be loved, to accept another human being with all of his/her faults, and to make a real commitment. That takes emotional maturity. That’s not nearly as exciting as the drama of living dysfunctionally, but the long term payoff is priceless.

In this podcase, I debunk a couple of myths about internet dating, and introduce you to the world of finding someone to love and be loved by – right in the privacy of your own home. [Part One of two parts]

Listen Now

You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime!

Are you really wearing that? Cleavage and belly buttons exposed do not serve women. It almost guarantees that they will be appreciated for their bodies and not for who they are; that they will be objectified rather than seen as intelligent and accomplished.

Young women today seem to wear less and less, emulating their favorite music and Hollywood icons. What this really reveals is rampant insecurity – the desire for male attention so raw and obvious that it makes everyone around them uncomfortable. Good guys - fathers, boys, and adult men – are forced to work to avert their eyes. Only the predators benefit – you know who they are because they openly stare right before they make their moves.

So, you might ask, why do women and girls dress that way? Here’s one theory.

Look at me – I’m powerful! When a woman has a nice body, and dresses to show it off, she feels wanted and in control, and that feels like power. The yearning for power is a basic human instinct and if you don’t know how to claim personal power in other ways, sex is an easy fall back.

Sex, the main event – really? Being wanted sexually isn’t very powerful if that’s the main event. Typically you are left in a weakened state, wanting a relationship with the back walking away. No woman really feels great about herself when she’s been used for sex rather than being loved.

Sexuality and power. It appears that sexuality and power go together because we see so much body exposure by women who are famous and successful in the entertainment world. Subliminally it feels like emulating that behavior would result in the same kind of power. But it doesn’t. The big difference is that those women are being paid lots of money to do what they do - and we all know that money is power in the material world. But they get to go home and dress normally and choose their relationships on a different basis.

Pretty woman – revised. As a woman, you can be powerfully attractive without being overtly sexual. It takes a bit of finesse to move beyond the obvious and easy – the revealing attire. Shift your focus to the inner work of building your self esteem; how? Get involved in something that matters – nothing feels better or makes you feel more valuable than making a difference in the world in some way – large or small.

Next focus on hair (great color and cut, products that add silk and shine), eyes (artfully applied enhancements that compliment your eye shape and color), color (clothes that make your skin glow), and accessories. Once you get the hang of it (and perhaps with the help of a professional make-over), you’ll find no shortage of male attention. You’ll be a standout because your power is more subtle, attracting the guys who want to know you on a deeper level. Your power will be lasting because you will feel good about you.

She’s NOT guilty that the relationship ended. She is RESPONSIBLE for making better choices in the future. George is a wounded guy – incapable of making a real commitment. He is charming, highly successful, and no doubt a fabulously romantic lover, in the beginning of a relationship anyway. But for whatever reason, his heart is not truly open to the women he dates. So how can anyone he dates possibly be responsible for that? She can’t, but she can take responsibility for choosing better.

For years I dated and loved emotionally unavailable men, and I crawled away from those relationships wondering what was wrong with me, suffering from useless guilt. The epiphany came to me the last time this happened, well over a decade ago, when a medical practitioner whom I respected told me bluntly that I was not going to get well (from an autoimmune syndrome I was suffering from) unless I broke the attachment I had to the latest wounded guy. It was my wake-up call, after wasting far too many years pursuing hopeless relationships.

Take responsibility. I decided that it was up to me to fix ME, the person in the mirror, rather than choose the wrong person and set about trying to change him. I have far more leverage working on me, and while that sounds like self-blame, it isn’t. Taking responsibility for my own life choices and outcomes empowers me because it is only in self-development and growth that I truly have any power. I have none over the men in my life. Never did, never will.

Like Kelly, in Temptations of the Single Girl, I was attracted to men who were aloof in some undefinable way, yet simultaneously charming and attractive. I loved riding the roller coaster of falling in love in the beginning. It was intoxicating – the romance, the fun dates, the wining and dining, the dancing, and the thrill of lovemaking. The downside of the roller coaster was pulverizing – the withdrawal from dealing with ordinary relationship issues or talks about commitment, the cheating, the “you’re on your own” if I had any life problems. The bottom line: no partnership. The deeper truth: no real love.

I had to give up my addiction to excitement in order to get out of the pattern. I learned that charm [when over played as a seduction tactic] does not lead to devotion and love. I learned that good character – integrity, devotion, honesty, no games – wins the day and is far more valuable than instant romance and charm. I discovered the power of maintaning my balance by putting off sex – for a long time – giving up the intoxication of allowing someone to seduce me. I found real romance by allowing men to pursue me, and that opened the door for the re-discovery of the magic of courtship.

My husband is very romantic, but in a loving, quiet way. Our dance of love was around bonding emotionally first, sexually later. We surrendered to the deeper, far more enchanting side of love – acceptance of another human being for exactly who he is and is not. With real love and devotion, we have both grown tremendously – emotionally, spiritually and in our careers.

Now, almost twelve years later, we share a loving, incredibly blessed life. Our relationship isn’t perfect because we are human beings subject to stressors and the resulting reactions. But our love is deep and committed. We are there for each other. We truly adore one another. THIS is real love, one that doesn’t ride the roller coaster. This is the kind of love that will have us holding one another’s hands all the way, the whole way until one of us passes.

So, to all of you Elisabetta’s out there, I share this: It is never too late to change the pattern! It is never too late to find and create a deep and lasting love with a good man. But you will have to make personal changes, make new choices, give up some of the thrills that you may believe are important. Start today. Read my book, Temptations of the Single Girl (read an excerpt here), and get started. After you read the book, join my online group on Ning. Get started, get support, and get going!