First Date Dud: What Can I Do Better?

 By Nina Atwood

Nykie writes: I went on a first date, asking lots of questions because I’m serious about finding the right guy. He did all the talking. We didn’t particularly click but I still want to get to know him. It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from him. What could I have done better?

Dear Nykie: The short answer is – probably nothing. Sometimes you just don’t connect with someone on a first date, and it’s not that you did anything wrong. Sometimes the guy just doesn’t feel the sparks – and it sounds like you didn’t feel the sparks either. Trying to analyze in retrospect isn’t very useful because you’re missing a huge piece of the puzzle – his perspective. There are hundreds of possible reasons you haven’t heard from him, including the possibility that he’s dating someone else. So don’t obsess about what did or didn’t happen. Also, don’t pick up that phone and call him! If you do, you’ll never know his level of attraction to you.

In the spirit of practice, there are a couple of tweaks to your process that might help in the future. I applaud your level of intention and the questioning. Notice the energy while you’re questioning. Is he engaged, leaning forward, eagerly answering your questions? Or is it like pulling teeth to get him to answer? What about you – are you allowing some quiet space so that he can pick up the ball and ask you some questions? Or are you feeling nervous when it gets quiet, jumping in with another question to keep the ball rolling?

Conversations, like relationships, are best when treated like a dance. While you may lead at times and he may lead at times, both people’s energy should be flowing. Both people should be engaged and involved. So on first dates, allow the space for the other person to “show up.” Don’t try to control the conversation. Instead, let it flow so that you can easily see the level of energy the other person is bringing to the table. That way, you end the date with a clear sense of what happened – 1. yes, we clicked, I’m sure there will be follow up, or 2. no, we didn’t click. In that case, say NEXT to yourself and keep movin’!


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