He Rebounded, We’re Still Connected: Now What?

 By Nina Atwood

Cherie tells the story of her ex dating a crack addict while continuing to see her (Cherie) on the side. She asks: Number 1- Do we still have a chance to get back together? Number 2- Will he stay with her? He is in a rebound relationship and I donít think it will last much longer.

Cherie, your focus is entirely in the wrong place. Instead of wondering if you can get back together with this guy, you should be wondering why you want him back. You describe the relationship as a drama-rama of fighting and breaking up, followed by his hooking up with someone else and cheating on her with you. This is a highly dysfunctional formula for life and relationships. My answer to you is: it doesn’t matter if you get back together or not because it’s unlikely to work; in fact, I would bet it won’t work.

Healthy relationships are built on shared values and mutual love and respect. I don’t hear much respect from you toward him, and with good reason. How can you respect a guy who rebounds with someone of questionable character, then cheats on her with you? That calls his character into question and makes it difficult for you to respect him.

On the flip side, he probably doesn’t respect you either. How can he respect you when you sleep with him while he’s committed to someone else? This calls your character into question as well.

Both of you need to take a giant step back, take stock of your lives, and begin to focus on the big picture. What kind of relationship do you want in the long run? Do you want this constant drama – the highs and lows and dysfunction? If not, then what do you want? What are you values about how to live life and function with another human being? The answers to these questions will give you a map for your life. From the map of your life you can begin to make decisions about this and future relationships that are much more meaningful and likely to succeed.

I’m wondering if this is a pattern in your life and relationships, Cherie (i.e., dating men who are emotionally unavailable, conflict, drama, etc.). If so, I recommend that you seek coaching to undo the old pattern and create a new, much more healthy one.

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