I Want Her: How Do I Win Her Heart?

 By Nina Atwood

Stephen writes: I recently met a beautiful, intelligent woman through a discussion group that we both attend. Two weeks ago, I asked to walk her home. We spent some private time together and the sparks flew. I didn’t kiss her but we had a passionate hug. Since then, I called her once and left a message. She returned the call but didn’t leave a message. I’ve emailed her but she hasn’t responded. What can I do to win this woman’s heart? I really want to date her and build a lasting relationship.

The goal of winning a good woman’s heart is a worthy one. There are two things you must focus on at this stage:

1. Is she interested in you? To win her heart, you must be able to read her heart. If she’s not open to you, whether because she’s dating someone else or because she’s not attracted to you, then your efforts will not bring you success. In fact, your efforts may annoy her or make her feel stalked. The fact that she didn’t respond to your emails doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not interested. Many women feel that email is not the appropriate venue to ask for a date. Also, if you emailed her and didn’t ask for a date; if you emailed to ramble on about some topic, or yourself, you may have only annoyed her. Again, many women don’t want the rambling emails from guys. Action is preferred. What action? Asking her out.

2. What is the best way to pursue a woman? Emails and getting together without making much effort aren’t the best ways to pursue a woman. Yes, it’s nice that you walked her home after the discussion group but that’s not a great date. A great date is calling several days in advance with a specific event in mind and inviting her to go with you to a show, dinner, or something else.

Where to start: Go back to the telephone – call her and leave a message saying that you would like to take her out to dinner on either Friday or Saturday night – is she available? If you don’t have voice mail, get it so that you’ll get her resonse even if you’re not there.

Now the ball is in her court. If she’s interested, she’ll call you back and accept a date. If she’s not, she won’t. It’s as simple as that. If she doesn’t call back or if she turns you down, accept her answer. If she doesn’t call you back, send her a very brief email with a message along these lines: “Since I didn’t hear back from you, I am assuming that you’re not interested in going out with me. I want you to know that it’s okay and I will not pursue further unless you give me a clear signal that you would like that (and I’m still available). I hope we can both still enjoy the discussion group. I look forward to seeing you there.”

Then, go to the group with no agenda other than to be friendly. If she’s ambivalent, your backing off will pull her back in your direction. If that happens, ask her out again. If she is relieved, she’ll be friendly but will not signal that she’d like another chance at a date. In that case, it’s time to move on. No matter how enticing the person, there’s no opportunity for a balanced, loving relationship unless there’s interest on both sides.


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