Marriage Myths: You’ll Be Happier
By Nina Atwood
Julie couldn’t wait to marry Sam. They met at a party and were inseparable from that moment on. She dreamed night and day about the glorious moment Sam would propose to her. She could picture the diamond solitaire ring. When the day finally came, she felt soaring joy throughout her being. She felt as though she was fulfilling her life destiny – to meet and marry a wonderful guy.
For the next few months, she focused all of her energy on the wedding. She scoured hundreds of magazines and shops before finding the perfect wedding dress. She meticulously planned her special day down to the tiniest detail. Her Dad willingly dropped tens of thousands of dollars to give his daughter the most magical day of her life.
There was just one little fly in the ointment. Julie wasn’t a happy camper before she met Sam. She’d drifted prior to that time, always discontent, never feeling a strong sense of purpose. Her one focus was on finding a guy to marry because Julie firmly believed that marriage would save her from the nagging depression and lack of fulfillment that had dogged her for years. That and having children.
Years later, Sam and Julie spent hours and hours in marital therapy to no avail. All of their issues boiled down to a single issue: Julie wasn’t happy and she didn’t have a clue about how to make herself happy. She blamed Sam for not making her happy. He resented her constant finger-pointing. Underneath the resentment, he felt despair. All he’d ever wanted was her happiness but it was not in his power to give.
Recent research confirms what Sam and Julie’s story indicates: Getting married will not make you happier. Most individuals have a brief upsurge in happiness while falling in love and marrying, but they soon revert to their previous set point. It turns out that basic happiness is intrinsic, meaning that it isn’t driven by life events. Happy events give you a brief lift and unhappy ones pull you down briefly. But over time, you remain as happy as you always have been, marriage or not, kids or not.
What’s the lesson here? Date someone long enough to discover the basic happiness levels that you each carry within. Choose someone at your level and you are far more likely to match for a lifetime.
Entry Filed under: Marriage,Relationships
