Tempted by the Wounded Guy: Is He Narcissistic?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I have been living with a man for almost three years who I am in love with. I am 41 and he is 43. He has some real problems–he was brought up on fraud charges a few years back–though I know by my own research that he was innocent and was framed. Our relationship began before this happened. At that time, he was telling me he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. He was previously married but she left him. As he and I have become closer, moving in together, sharing a lot of ups and downs in a relationship that in many ways has been successful despite tough circumstances–very good companionship, interests in the arts, politics, books, good sexual relationship, the ability to work together through problems–he stopped telling me he loved me, grows closer, then withdraws, and every five months or so says he cannot see us together ten years down the road, etc… Sometimes (and heart breaking to me) these spells are augmented by his verbally abusing me and putting me down–that can be anything from criticizing my physical appearance to belittling my accomplishments.
I believe that he has narcissistic tendencies–although I do not believe that is who he really is deep down. I believe he does love me, but unfortunately, does not know what real love is. Although I believe I understand to some extent what is going on, it is very hard to know what I should do concerning us. I believe he is a kind person who was rejected by other women, and that the things he says that hurt me are not his true feelings. Can you shed light on this quagmire? – Lena
Dear Lena: I’ll put the bottom line up front, then explain: You are smack in the middle of the temptation of loving a wounded guy. This is a man who uses his prior bad experiences in life, including being dumped by women, as an excuse to treat you poorly. He lets himself off the hook because of his history, rather than stepping up to the plate and doing what is right in your relationship.
Real love is about behavior – treating one another with respect and care. Thus, the most alarming part of your situation is the verbal abuse and put-downs. I watched an episode of Oprah today about women in abusive marriages, and Oprah said that when the person you are with makes you feel less than who you know yourself to be, that is the sign that you are in a potentially abusive relationship.
It doesn’t matter if he was rejected by other women, or had a rotten childhood, or got framed by some bad people. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t mean what he says to you - the damage is just as real. None of those things justify his behavior toward you, and what you are doing is classic - excusing him because of his past. The wounded, non-intentional guy makes excuses and leads you down the path of a nowhere relationship.
He will treat you that way as long as you allow it. The dangerous part is that as you allow more, your self-esteem diminishes, and your self-doubt grows. It’s time for you to get back in touch with who you really are, Lena - a beautiful, loving, caring woman who deserves far better. Here’s my suggestion for what to say to him:
“I love you and I want our relationship to work, but there are some things that have to change. It’s okay for you to disagree with me about something, it’s okay for us to be upset from time to time, but it is never okay for you to put me down in any way. That is a non-negotiable in order for our relationship to continue. If you feel that you can’t control your behavior, we need to seek counseling together, and that’s non-negotiable as well. I’m willing to work with you on this, but not at the expense of my self-esteem.” If he doesn’t jump all over himself apologizing and taking action to change his behavior, that’s a sign for you to move on. Verbal abuse is a prelude to physical abuse, so it’s critical that you address this situation now before it escalates. Get counseling for yourself to help you hold firm to your boundaries. Read Temptations of the Single Girl so you can create and manifest a powerful vision for how love is supposed to be.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Relationships
1 Comment
1. Mark | July 29th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Right on!
These women need you, and I feel what you are doing is making a real difference.