Justin can’t seem to date anyone for more than a few months. He’s wowed by Carly’s beauty, and he tells her he’s looking for someone to love and marry. But secretly, he’s bothered by her imperfections. After three months of seeing each other almost every day, he’s begun to catalog her flaws: she bites her nails, she forgets things like her cell phone, she’s not a “star” at work, and she seems insecure when he pays any attention to other women. Worst of all, he doesn’t feel adored by her. She’s nice, but she’s not falling all over him. Already he’s thinking […]
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“I choose to reclaim my sense of personal power.” Great! That’s a wonderful first step for you post break-up. Now you need specific actions and behaviors in order to maintain your personal power. I’ll start with a list of “don’ts”: Don’t call your Ex unless you have a specific purpose such as arranging to return belongings; in that case, keep it short and sweet When you feel the pain and resentment rise up, do not call your Ex while you are feeling that way; instead, take a few minutes to “download” – write your thoughts and feelings in the form […]
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Nothing grabs your attention more than having someone you love abruptly exit. It’s emotionally traumatic, meaning that there’s no way to prepare yourself for such a sudden loss, so it hits you on all levels. You’re sad and/or angry, you can’t sleep, you can’t concentrate at work, and you wear out your support network with long, obsessive conversations about why this happened and what you might do. Deep down, what hits hardest is the realization that you’ve lost all sense of control over the situation. Your Ex has grabbed all the power in the relationship. This situation, like all challenging […]
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What does Valentine’s Day mean to you? “Commercialism at its worst!” you may feel. “An opportunity to show someone special how much I cherish our relationship,” could be your mantra. Or you may simply feel depressed that you don’t have someone special to acknowledge you. Depending on your point of view, you may choose to skip over this “holiday” or you may take action and enjoy it. If you’re “single and searching,” it’s definitely more challenging to make something good out of Valentine’s Day, but it’s possible. I’m old enough to remember exchanging valentines with every class mate – I think it […]
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Create a Vision Statement. Now that you’ve identified your core values and how they manifest in a relationship, write a powerful vision statement that pulls all of it together. Devote some time to this exercise. Set aside quiet time, light candles or play your favorite soft music. Meditate and reflect on the picture you have in your mind of the ideal relationship. Don’t focus on what the person will look like - how tall, how beautiful, or how wealthy. Instead, put your focus on the dynamics of the relationship you want to have. This where the rubber meets the road! How […]
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Go for character first. Good looks can fade over a lifetime: bodies gain weight, hair turns gray, wrinkles appear. That’s the reality, so get real about it. While you’re single and searching, focus on character: your own and that of the people you date. Does that mean you don’t care about attraction? Of course not! But take a leap of faith with me and trust that if you focus on the right target, out of all those folks with character there will be someone you find divinely attractive. What does character mean? In a nutshell, it’s the ability to do […]
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The power of attraction is immeasurable. Though it may seem relationships are random, in reality we are constantly sending out the energy of attraction and that draws certain people in while keeping other people away. The problem is that we don’t stop and calibrate the mechanism of attraction so that we can draw in what we really want. The first step is to determine exactly that. Let’s start with what you don’t want: anger, manipulation, neediness, fear of commitment, chaos, addiction, abuse, neglect, incompatibility, infidelity, emotional disconnection, dishonesty, or bottom line, lack of love. Great. Now that you know what […]
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What if you are months or years post-divorce and you didn’t earn your way out? You can still do your “emotional homework” and prepare yourself for a better marriage in the future. Part one of the homework you do on your own. Part two is optional, depending on the relationship you have with your ex. Part One: Take personal responsibility. Even if your spouse left you, and especially if you left him or her, it’s vital that you recognize your part in the breakdown of the marriage. Spend a significant amount of time quietly reflecting, letting go of ego and […]
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As a middle-aged male, I feel we men are at a distinct gender disadvantage with respect to establishing and developing a strong emotional connection with a woman. For one, we don’t talk as much and therefore don’t get as much practice! To be honest, I don’t really have a good sense of what an “emotional connection” is. Could you please define this important term and suggest some ways to help create it between women and men so that it meets both their needs. - Robert Defining emotional connection is somewhat like defining love. Like love, it is a subjective experience that […]
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How would you change your advice on dating for a single person with children? Aren’t there so many issues involved that make it nearly impossible to start dating, much less get to the point of a serious commitment? Also, when is it appropriate to introduce a dating partner to your children? - Karen Without a doubt, being a parent changes the logistics and dynamics of socializing and dating. It’s challenging enough to get out and search for a partner, but when you have to handle child care and your children’s questions as well, it’s even more so. Time – to a […]
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What happens when you get to the point of “No matter what the outcome I will be okay?” I seem to have the problem now that I know I’m okay and don’t need someone, I don’t get close to anyone. There is an important distinction between individuation (basically, that I am a separate human being who is complete even when not in a relationship) and the fear of intimacy. You know it is the latter when you don’t allow yourself to get close to another person. As human beings, we seek the middle ground, but sometimes we miss. Perhaps at […]
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I have fallen in love with someone who thinks he’s in love with someone else. I still want to hang on. I’ve let myself fall in love with him, and I feel desperate to keep him in my life in some way even though I know it’s unhealthy. How can I break this hold?? – Julie The key words in your question are “desperate” and “unhealthy,” both of which indicate that you are crossing the line into what is referred to as love addiction*. This is basically a relationship in which you cannot get your needs met and you feel […]
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I have been single for six years since my divorce, and had two significant long-term relationships that ended very painfully (Westbound Trains). In the past several months, I have practiced what you teach; going out with men casually at first and taking time to find out the potential; having the Shopping Conversation by the 4th or 5th date. The past two men that I have really hit it off with (similar values, lots in common) have abruptly exited shortly after becoming exclusive, even though they both assured me that they were ready for a relationship. I have felt blind-sided both […]
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