Parenting and Dating
By Nina Atwood
How would you change your advice on dating for a single person with children? Aren’t there so many issues involved that make it nearly impossible to start dating, much less get to the point of a serious commitment? Also, when is it appropriate to introduce a dating partner to your children? - Karen
Without a doubt, being a parent changes the logistics and dynamics of socializing and dating. It’s challenging enough to get out and search for a partner, but when you have to handle child care and your children’s questions as well, it’s even more so. Time – to a parent, there’s just never enough. Energy – well, need I say more?
Does this mean that finding a mate is impossible for single parents? Absolutely not! The first and biggest obstacle, however, is getting over our own reluctance to take those steps. The desire to date has to be there, as well as the certainty that what you’re doing is truly in the best interest of your children.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is the modeling of a loving relationship with a partner. This teaches them that even when there’s heartbreak and pain, there is recovery; that even when people leave or betray or let you down, there are always new doors to be opened and greater discoveries to be made. And, yes, that these painful events often strengthen us in ways we could never have predicted. To the degree that you recover, move forward, and open your heart to someone new, you empower your children to have faith in the divine perfection of life, with all of its bumps, bruises, and pitfalls.
On the issue of introducing children to a dating partner, there are numerous issues to be considered:
- The age of your child. Little ones get attached very quickly to anyone who pays attention to them, while older children tend to be more aloof and take their time getting to know someone. Certainly, a revolving-door approach to dating will hurt the little ones and create cynicism in the older ones.
- The emotional trauma your child may still be experiencing from the death, abandonment, or divorce of the other parent. Sensitivity toward your child’s emotional healing is an absolute must when considering these matters.
- Your own readiness for dating. Children are sensitive to the emotions of their parents, even if they can’t articulate or fully understand them. If you’re not ready to date, your child will object to you going out, whereas if you are, and you feel good about the timing and appropriateness of your own behavior, your child will feel safe. If you wait too long, your child may even feel compelled to push you back into dating. Children want their parents to be happy and loved. It releases them from the responsibility of making their parents happy and allows them to focus on being kids.
- Communication. Within the boundaries of age-appropriate discussion, it’s vitally important to allow your children to express their feelings about your dating activities and for you to express to them what’s happening for you.
When do you introduce your partner to your child? Some have said that you shouldn’t until you’re practically engaged. Others have said that children need to be included in the process of getting to know someone. My belief is that it’s a judgment call by the parent, and that moderation is the key.
Something to keep in mind is that the reality of life is that people come and go and there will always be loss. It’s impossible to completely shield your child from the pain of loss and I’m not sure that it would be wise to do so even if you could. Children need to experience loss as well as attachment and to learn how to deal with those emotions, with the help of a loving parent.
While I don’t endorse giving children the responsibility of saying yea or nay to a dating partner, I do believe that it’s very useful to create the opportunity for children to respond to a partner and vice versa. Someone who responds negatively to the children will not be a good partner for you, and you certainly want to know long before you’re engaged to someone if your partner is kind and loving to children. To allow a relationship to develop to the point of engagement without including the children is also potentially traumatic to all concerned. It takes time for step families to gel, and I believe that this process is facilitated if it is begun during courtship.
Copyright ©1998 Nina Atwood, All Rights Reserved
Reprints Only by Written Permission of Nina Atwood
Entry Filed under: Dating,Personal Growth
