“I don’t really want a relationship at this point in my life,” Ashley declared firmly. “I’m happy with my career and my friends. I just re-decorated my house and it’s perfect. I’m not even sure I have time for a serious relationship.” Like many singles, Ashley really believes what she’s saying. But as soon as the words leave her mouth, it’s as if the universe takes it on like a dare. The truth is that almost all of us want a relationship with someone special. What we don’t want is another bad relationship, another life drama that sucks our energy, […] Read More...

Jerry and Lisa spent lots of time together over the past six months. He wasn’t dating anyone and neither was she, so they called each other, went to dinner, sometimes to movies, and hung out at each other’s place. In Jerry’s mind, they were friends only. Meanwhile, he searched for someone special to date. He met Sherry and sparks flew. The next thing Lisa knew, Jerry was incommunicado and awol. She was hurt and furious. Jerry couldn’t understand why Lisa wasn’t happy for him that he met someone special. What happened? What Jerry didn’t know was that Lisa’s feelings for him had turned […] Read More...

Ben asks: I’m entering into a new relationship/friendship with a woman who’s been hurt in the past, and I haven’t been in a meaningful relationship in a long time. We are starting out as friends - if everything continues to develop, how long should I wait to see if this has what it takes to go to the next level. Mind you she wants to take it sloww! Dear Ben, Deciding when to take a relationship to the next level has little to do with the calendar. First let’s tackle the notion of “starting out as friends.” Does that mean you’re dating but not […] Read More...

If the recent posts about whether or not you’re a narcissistic dater did not resonate for you – you don’t see yourself that way – they might resonate in terms of your choices of dating partners. Do you have a pattern of choosing people who are self-absorbed, self-focused, and unable to really give emotionally? Do you fall for charm and charisma only to find later that it’s all about them? If so, your chooser is definitely broken, but it can be fixed. Following are a handful of reasons you might be going for the narcissist instead of the giver: You […] Read More...

As a middle-aged male, I feel we men are at a distinct gender disadvantage with respect to establishing and developing a strong emotional connection with a woman. For one, we don’t talk as much and therefore don’t get as much practice! To be honest, I don’t really have a good sense of what an “emotional connection” is. Could you please define this important term and suggest some ways to help create it between women and men so that it meets both their needs. - Robert Defining emotional connection is somewhat like defining love. Like love, it is a subjective experience that […] Read More...

Are you a Narcissistic Dater like Justin or Shelly? This personal inventory will help you gain insight and take corrective action if you are.  Take a few minutes and go through these questions, writing down your answers. Be as honest as you possibly can – the information you’ll gain is for your own development and growth. Think of yourself in dating situations as context for your answers. When I’m dating someone, I am aware of the other person’s emotional needs and can clearly articulate them: a. Most of the time, b. Some of the time, or c. Almost never. When […] Read More...

Justin can’t seem to date anyone for more than a few months. He’s wowed by Carly’s beauty, and he tells her he’s looking for someone to love and marry. But secretly, he’s bothered by her imperfections. After three months of seeing each other almost every day, he’s begun to catalog her flaws: she bites her nails, she forgets things like her cell phone, she’s not a “star” at work, and she seems insecure when he pays any attention to other women. Worst of all, he doesn’t feel adored by her. She’s nice, but she’s not falling all over him. Already he’s thinking […] Read More...

Dating is relating. The way you date and pursue a woman today has everything to do with how successful you will be in marriage. If your goal is to meet and marry a beautiful, loving woman, start today with shaping your behavior to maximize your success. Do these things and you’ll stand out in the dating scene because so few men understand the basics in today’s world. Some vital tips, in addition to basic rules of etiquette, include: Take emotional risks. Open your heart, gradually, not all at once. Tell your life story, the CNN version, with a slant toward the positive: […] Read More...

Kissing for the first time is a significant step in a relationship. I don’t mean the lip peck or the cheek peck; I mean full-blown, lips and tongues, passionate kissing, the kind that melts paint. Guys need to know when the timing is right for that first kiss, and the precussor to right timing is doing a personal inventory. First, what is your goal? Are you dating women just to score some physical intimacy? Are you dating to get laid? If so, I don’t have any advice for you except this: look at the big picture of your life and […] Read More...

Rebecca couldn’t believe her date with Joe ended so badly. He did many things right, but the one thing he did wrong overshadowed everything else. It was cold that night, so they left the restaurant and agreed to sit in her car for a few minutes to wind down their conversation. Suddenly, he reached over, took her face in his hands, and gave her a big, tongue-probing kiss. She was so shocked she didn’t know what to do, but her body reacted by pulling away. What was wrong with Joe’s kiss? Kissing at the end of a date is a […] Read More...

“I choose to reclaim my sense of personal power.” Great! That’s a wonderful first step for you post break-up. Now you need specific actions and behaviors in order to maintain your personal power. I’ll start with a list of “don’ts”: Don’t call your Ex unless you have a specific purpose such as arranging to return belongings; in that case, keep it short and sweet When you feel the pain and resentment rise up, do not call your Ex while you are feeling that way; instead, take a few minutes to “download” – write your thoughts and feelings in the form […] Read More...

Nothing grabs your attention more than having someone you love abruptly exit. It’s emotionally traumatic, meaning that there’s no way to prepare yourself for such a sudden loss, so it hits you on all levels. You’re sad and/or angry, you can’t sleep, you can’t concentrate at work, and you wear out your support network with long, obsessive conversations about why this happened and what you might do. Deep down, what hits hardest is the realization that you’ve lost all sense of control over the situation. Your Ex has grabbed all the power in the relationship. This situation, like all challenging […] Read More...

Sara writes: “Help! My boyfriend, after a 3 month intense relationship, suddenly backed off. Is there any hope he’ll come back?” Danielle writes: “What can I do to win back the man I love? He broke up with me after two years saying he wasn’t ready for a commitment.” Chris writes: “I’m in love with Kristen and she went back to her old boyfriend after dating me for six months and telling me she loves me! Can I get her back?” What all of these stories have in common is loss: the person you loved left, backed off, or went […] Read More...

Smart Dating means being honest and authentic. Far too much game-playing goes on in the singles world, and it thwarts our real intentions to establish healthy relationships. While some people are downright dishonest with evil intentions, most of the lack of authenticity can be traced to ego-driven goals: to save face, to “look good,” and to avoid rejection. Our egos rule the day when we’re fearful: of being alone, of loss, of rejection. When we’re not authentic, we create a false persona and then present that to the other person. If that person does the same, we have two false personas in a dance […] Read More...

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you? “Commercialism at its worst!” you may feel. “An opportunity to show someone special how much I cherish our relationship,” could be your mantra. Or you may simply feel depressed that you don’t have someone special to acknowledge you. Depending on your point of view, you may choose to skip over this “holiday” or you may take action and enjoy it. If you’re “single and searching,” it’s definitely more challenging to make something good out of Valentine’s Day, but it’s possible. I’m old enough to remember exchanging valentines with every class mate – I think it […] Read More...

Smart Dating is about focusing on the quality of your relationships, all of them, especially your dating relationships. Instead of focusing on your agenda to win someone over or to make a great impression, focus on connection. But not just any connection: positive, meaningful connection. What does that mean? Dating is about relating, and the quality of your dating life will rise in direct proportion to your ability to positively relate with others, even those who are not lifetime love candidates. Postive, meaningful connection happens when you take a keen interest in the other person. Instead of focusing on you, focus […] Read More...

Smart dating means a focus on attraction, and that’s not about a hot body and movie star face. It’s about answering the fundamental question: what am I attracting? Even more important: What do I want to attract in the future? What are you attracting? To really understand it, take a look at your past relationships. If you look back and see love, devotion, emotional availability and real commitment, you’re attracting the right stuff. Of course, if that’s what you see, you’re probably not single today unless you lost your spouse through death. If you look back and see other things: […] Read More...

At the end of the day, dating is about marriage. It’s about choosing someone special to share life with, for a lifetime, and that eventually means getting married, for most people. But let’s make a clear distinction: “marriage” as a goal vs. “wedding” as a goal. Last night I heard the story of a friend’s daughter whose wedding is going to cost $60,000. Wow. She’ll have a fantastic party for that kind of ticket price, but will she have a good marriage? Clearly, there’s no correlation between the two. What we’re concerned with here is how to date so that […] Read More...

S is for Strategic, meaning that you look at the big picture of your life. Focus on what you want in the long run and do today what will most likely get you where you want to be. Enjoy the present moment but don’t make the mistake of focusing only on momentary pleasure. If it feels good today but is not in alignment with the “big picture,” learn to say “no, thanks” and “next!” Ashley and Brianna are friends, but their intentions couldn’t be more different. Ashley is crystal clear that what she wants is a soul mate she can […] Read More...

What do love and addiction have in common? Both involve powerful brain chemicals that drive behavior. Today’s story of astronaut Lisa Nowak’s crazed mission to kidnap a perceived rival is a case study of the destructive power of love addiction. Like the drug addict who holds up a convenience store employee for money to fuel his habit, the love addict will go to extremes to fuel the obsession with the “love object.” Recent science shows that our brains are wired in a specific area for romantic love with the same chemicals that are involved in addiction (i.e., dopamine and norepinephrine […] Read More...

Smart Dating is best illustrated by the acronym S.M.A.R.T. Dating: S = Strategic [focused on the big picture of your life] M = Marriage Minded [aimed at your big life goal] A = Attraction [utlilzing basic laws of attraction to bring you what you really desire] R = Relational [emotionally connected; emotionally intelligent] T = Truthful [with integrity] In the next five blog posts, we’ll explore what each one means. Read More...

The first three dates are in some ways the most important. Why? Because that’s when you have the greatest opportunity to balance chemistry with logic. Later, when you’re falling in love, it’s too late to expect much logic. There are two basic approaches to the first three dates that most people fall into. In one camp are folks like Joe. Joe is looking for the “love of his life,” but he’s been searching for a long time. He belongs to several online dating services and has an active social life. He’s attractive, so he has no problem getting dates with […] Read More...

Mindy meets guys all the time, gets asked out a lot. She’s hooked up with three different guys over the past six months. Each time, they started out hot and heavy, but the flames died quickly. They quit calling. She thought, “Oh well,” and quickly moved on. Eric meets girls all the time, asks them out, has no trouble getting hot and heavy very fast. But, he finds that he’s bored within a couple of months, and exits as gently as possible. Soon, he’s after someone new. His married friends envy his freewheeling single life with hot women. Secretly, he […] Read More...

Josh meets Erin at a trendy bar; he flirts and buys her a drink. She flirts back. He asks for her card; she gives it. The next day, she gets an email asking if she wants to get together sometime in the next few days. Chris asks Kelly out to dinner, plans it, gets reservations. She’s waiting for a better offer and gets it. Two hours before the date, she sends him an email canceling the date with an excuse about not feeling well. These are just two examples of poor dating etiquette. [We’d like more examples, so please send yours.] In Josh’s case, he’s […] Read More...

This week’s theme on the SinglesCoach blog is Smart Dating: Using tools and structure to greatly increase positive outcomes. Unconscious dating means dating without any structure, plan, or awareness of the impact of your choices on your life. Unconscious = making lots of big mistakes; yes, you can eventually learn that way, but the price tag in divorce and multiple break-ups is high. Smart dating = being conscious and aware, making choices with some idea of future impact on your life. Again, you’ll learn along the way but with a much smaller price tag.  The term “dating” almost represents a forgotten […] Read More...