How Do I Keep From Getting “Burned”?
By Nina Atwood
By Nina Atwood
I am still looking for the right man to share my life with, but I have been “burned” so many times that I am cautious in the dating arena. How can a professional young woman meet a stable older man that doesn’t play head games? - Diana
There are two revealing words in your question: “burned” and “cautious.” Clearly, you’ve been hurt in love and you are seeking to avoid pain in the future. That is entirely understandable, and there are some steps to cover in order to achieve that goal.
Avoiding pain, whether in dating or in any other area of life, is a challenging proposition. To think of pain (remembering past pain, fearing future pain) creates a focus that can actually lead back into that emotional state. Once in that state (now I’m really scared as I think about all my past and future pain), we lose our power to intervene in the present and create a new outcome.
Fearful of getting hurt again, caution, maybe even holding back emotionally, takes over. Approaching dating from a position of holding back inhibits the flow of discovery and connection that is so vital to relationships. By holding back, the true potential of the relationship cannot be revealed, and you will both feel frustrated. One of you will eventually end it, moving on in search of a better connection. Thus, you wind up in the vicious circle of multiple short relationships, finding no true fulfillment and creating even more emotional pain.
The way out of this is to begin with the past. Reflect on your past relationships, asking yourself what you contributed to the problem. Did you move too quickly? Did you fail to take time to discover someone’s true character before getting emotionally invested? Did you do the best you could do and it just didn’t work? Whatever your questions and whatever your answers, search for common ground in them all, patterns that you can change. Remember that in all our romances, the one thing that is always there is ME.
Second, forgive yourself for your shortcomings, real or imagined. Forgive your past partners for their shortcomings. Picture yourself releasing the negative emotions of each romance, like little balloons that you watch floating away. Cry if you need to, hit pillows if it helps, write letters that you don’t mail to each past lover. Take your time with this process, and get help from a therapist if needed.
Then, as you move forward and explore new possibilities, make these commitments to yourself. One: to be honest and genuine each step of the way, first with yourself and secondly with the person you are dating. Two: that you will never again settle for less than what you truly want in a partner and in a relationship and that you are prepared to let it go as soon as you see that it cannot work. Three: to fall in love with the process of personal growth, trusting that by focusing on your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, making adjustments where necessary, a Right Partner will naturally enter your life.
Copyright ©1998 Nina Atwood, All Rights Reserved
Reprints Only by Written Permission of Nina Atwood
Entry Filed under: Dating
