June 23rd, 2010 by Nina Atwood
I’m a male, 33, and I’ve committed myself to stay out of the bedroom at least until there is a commitment and hopefully even until marriage. I feel that finding out sexual compatibility before marriage should NOT be a requirement. I cannot fathom being in love and then letting performance in bed be the deciding factor! This position makes it difficult for me to ask women out, as I’m afraid that she will demand an early sexual relationship. How do I stick to my principles and let go of this anxiety so that I can date? - Matt
Contrary to popular belief, sexual compatibility is not about performance in bed. The mechanics of sex are just that – mechanics. Do this, do that, put this here, and touch that. These are things that can be learned from sexual how-to manuals and from teaching each other what you like and don’t like.
When two people love each other, are committed to the relationship, have good communication skills, and are unafraid to discuss the intimate details of their sexual needs, sex works. But let me add that talking about sex is often more challenging than actually doing it. This is because we live in a society in which the frank, open discussion of our sexuality is considered taboo. Sexually explicit advertising, as well as television and movies which display promiscuous behavior, are somehow considered okay. This is a terribly mixed message which we are only beginning to sort out. Meanwhile, many couples just head for the bedroom and figure they’ll talk later, something that is usually a big mistake.
Sexual compatibility is mostly about energy. What you want to look for is the chemistry between you – that you feel passionate about each other and about the relationship. The strong desire to be intimate and to deepen your connection is what empowers you as a couple to work out your issues, including the ones that come up about sex. This you can explore with all your clothes on.
By putting off sex until you have a commitment, you open the possibility for practicing meaningful communication about sex, as you express your values and set appropriate boundaries with the women you date. Additionally, it gives you the necessary time to develop your relationship connection without the distortions that can occur when you become sexual before you are in love. I encourage you to hold fast to this, and to trust that a right partner for you will have no trouble respecting your position and will be aligned with you.