She’s Doing Threesomes While He’s Just Lonesome

February 15th, 2012 by Nina Atwood

Dear Nina: Should I be tolerant when it comes to a girlfriend hanging out with ex lovers? They are not people she dated, but people she has slept with. Recently, she blew me off for a “friend” coming into town, and I found out the “friend” was someone she had a threesome with, and the friend was spending the night at her apartment. She was not upfront or honest about it. She had other recent ex- lovers she wanted to hang out with, too. I broke it off, because I’m not cool with it. I said she should give these people up if she wants to be with me or at least make the effort to explain why I should be comfortable with it. Did I do the right thing? – Adam

Dear Adam: There are major red flags all over this “relationship.” No, it’s not okay to have threesomes, and it’s not okay to have someone you once had a threesome with spend the night with you and blow off your boyfriend. It’s not okay, that is, if you want a committed relationship that is built around love and fidelity. My question is: what are your values? What is okay and not okay with you? If you don’t have any sexual boundaries yourself, you can’t expect her to. But if you do have moral boundaries about sex, then date someone else who shares your values. You are fooling yourself if you think she will change. Get some coaching if you need to clarity your own values and boundaries.

On the subject of sexual boundaries:

One of the biggest myths that took root in our culture and that is still doing damage today is this one: “Sex is just sex. It’s about physical pleasure and nothing more. Anyone can engage in sex with another person and it is no more meaningful than eating chocolate ice cream for pleasure.”

This is pure hogwash, promoted primarily by the Playboy mentality of sexuality that flourished in the 1960s and is still prevalent.

Here’s the reality: Sex is about three things: 1. procreation, 2. connection, and 3. pleasure.

The pleasure part is how we were created so that we would be motivated to procreate. Makes sense, doesn’t it? If it didn’t feel so gosh darn good, and if we didn’t have hormones that create a powerful drive to have sex, our species would have died out long ago. Procreation, obviously, is the deepest of biological drives. Without it, life simply would not flourish on this planet.

The connection part is what is so confusing to some people. We are wired to seek to bond with our sexual partners. That mechanism is what guides us to form families, the system inside of which children have the greatest opportunity to flourish. Seeking to have sex without love goes against the emotional, familial, and spiritual impulses that make us uniquely human.

Yes, the physical, animal self is fully capable of having sex without attaching deeply. But over time, the sex-without-love person becomes emotionally numb, cut off from the ability to attach. The “pleasure principle” of sexuality, it turns out, isn’t so pleasureable in the long run. I have the case files over a twenty five year career to prove it.

If you want a real relationship, know your sexual boundaries and don’t compromise them. Aim for keeping sex special, to be thoroughly enjoyed in the context of a loving relationship. Date only those who share your values and sexual boundares. You will be healthier, happier, and on the path to a wonderful lifetime relationship.

Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Advice for Women,Ask the Singlescoach®,Dating,Relationships

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Cruel  |  March 1st, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Dear Adam, How anyone could take your limited amount of information and provide reasonable and helpful advice raises red flags for me. This is only componded by the statement “its not ok to have threesomes” The moral bias of this expert only perpetuates her narrowminded misguided ambisions to mold you in her image.
    Sharing love in an open and giving way free from judgements unconditional can be a wonderfull experience both emotional and physically. Once you start to place moral restrictions upon sex and love making you perpetuate the shame and guilt that keeps these so called experts employed. I would postulate that your willingness to seek out advice fom these experts only demonstrates how right I am. Shame on you for being so ashamed of sex that your girlfriend needed to lie to you to find acceptance in her sexuality.
    If you are lonesome it is by your own choice while your girlfiend has the love and support of many caring loving persons you have only the shame of your sexually repressed sexpert as cold comfort.
    While I too am only making assumpsions based on the limited information in your question at least I am not making my living by enabling the monkey on your back.

    Cruel

  • 2. Common Sense  |  March 8th, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Cruel,

    “Sharing love in an open and giving way free from judgement unconditional can be a wonderful experience both emotional and physically.” I am sorry but a “threesome” has NOTHING to do with LOVE especially since she was not in a relationship with these people! And the OP was NOT okay with the situation, so clearly he has different values from your own. If that is the type of lifestyle you desire that is your choice. Don’t “shame” him or Nina because their values are completely opposite of your own.

  • 3. Steven  |  May 10th, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Cruel,
    Sex to me is not a casual thing. It is the most vulnerable thing to share with another human being. At one time, I use to think that casual sex was great. But, the one thing that I was missing was the connection that I was really longing for. Now instead of just having sex, I am longing for that one someone who feels that I have value/worth and
    is willing to spend time/sex with just me. This is how I value and respect myself. To me sex is a very private affair, only to be shared with one other person. This is why I will never consider having a threesome. Nor, will I consider dating someone who does. I’m not placing any judgements on it. It’s just doesn’t fit my value system. And to Adam, more power too you in standing up for who you really are. Your own self respect is worth more than the woman you are asking about.

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