A growing trend in singles land is the attraction of a beautiful mind. Singles in major metropolitan cities are reporting that they are tired of the bar scene and wish to meet someone who shares their intellectual pursuits. Instead of standing in line at trendy bars, they are lining up for lectures and museum tours. [...]
Continue Reading Add comment July 19th, 2010
New relationships can be full of excitement and fun, and if you’re on the same page, it’s a wonderful and fulfilling time of life. But they can also be the turning point for your life going in the wrong direction toward pain and heartache that can take years to mend. These dating missteps can be difficult to recover [...]
Continue Reading Add comment July 1st, 2010
I’m a male, 33, and I’ve committed myself to stay out of the bedroom at least until there is a commitment and hopefully even until marriage. I feel that finding out sexual compatibility before marriage should NOT be a requirement. I cannot fathom being in love and then letting performance in bed be the deciding [...]
Continue Reading 2 comments June 23rd, 2010
Cindy met Bill through her tennis club. He was charming, good-looking, and he swept her off her feet in a whirlwind courtship. Pushing for a quick marriage, he proposed after only two months. Though she felt a few flutters of anxiety, Cindy accepted, hoping for true love. Six months later, she deeply regretted the haste. Bill turned out [...]
Continue Reading Add comment June 21st, 2010
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.” – Mother Teresa Okay, so maybe we can’t always be the shining example of love that was Mother Teresa. [...]
Continue Reading Add comment June 17th, 2010
Now there’s a new way to meet your soul mate: adventure dating. The idea is that you sign up for a trip doing something that gets your adrenaline flowing; you look over at the person sharing your raft through the rapids and make a connection. I think this idea has some merit. If you’re into [...]
Continue Reading Add comment June 14th, 2010
Let’s say you believe in letting a guy pay for your dates, and let’s say that instead of taking you to an expensive restaurant he takes you to a park for a picnic. Is he cheap or creative?The answer is: it depends. If he’s young and doesn’t have any money, cheap dates are a necessity. If he’s [...]
Continue Reading Add comment June 10th, 2010
This past week, my friend George moved into a brand new house with his bride of two weeks. George and his new wife are blissful, looking forward to a life together of dancing, cooking on the grill, spending time with their kids and grandchildren, and loving each other. Just a little over a year ago, [...]
Continue Reading Add comment June 2nd, 2010
Suzy asked: “I have been on four wonderful dates, I feel like this could be the beginning of a wonderful thing. How do I know when it’s ok to get physical? I don’t want to move too fast but I also would love to take that step.” Before I could answer her question, she wrote [...]
Continue Reading Add comment May 31st, 2010
These days you can do almost anything from your iPhone, including background checks on the men you date! Dudorstud.com features one that is compatible with the iPhone and others; it enables you to check for bankruptcy, marriage and divorce, and home addresses over a period of time. But the real question is: is it enough? [...]
Continue Reading Add comment May 27th, 2010
Dear Nina: I read your advice regarding love addicton and I have also ordered your book. I can’t wait to read it when it arrives. My question for you is this…is it ok to forgive a cheater? I have just spent almost 4 years with a man who I thought was the love of my life. We had been talking about marriage and I have been waiting for him to propose. Two weeks ago I found out that he was seeing someone else. I confronted both of them and ended my relationship with him. He says he’s sorry and wants me to forgive him. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. Can a couple truly overcome cheating? Is it ok to forgive or should I move on? Am I just addicted to the idea of him? This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I know that I love him, but I don’t know if I should forgive him or move on. – Confused, Michelle
Dear Michelle: I hope you do forgive him eventually, although you’ll need time. Carrying forward resentment or bitterness hurts YOU, so yes, forgive in time. But forgiveness is only one small part of this equation, and just because you forgive doesn’t necessarily mean you go back into the relationship.
There are many, many issues that must be resolved after infidelity in order to have a healthy relationship. The biggest is the loss of trust, without which you don’t have a relationship. Right now, you don’t know who this man is – he wasn’t honest and authentic with you, so at best you love an illusion – the man you thought he was, as you pointed out. So a huge step in this process would be to understand who he really is. Questions you must explore in depth with him include:
If you were married to this guy for ten years and had three children, Michelle, I would recommend marriage counseling and a good solid effort to save your relationship. Couples can recover from infidelity as long as it isn’t a pattern and as long as there are many other qualities in the marriage that are positive, plus genuine, deep remorse on the part of the cheating person.
You’re in the middle of the Temptation to Settle for Less than a truly great relationship. You’re not married, you don’t have children, and you are in a position to move on to a man whom you can totally trust. Believe me, there are many, many men of good character out there who would find your boyfriend’s behavior disgusting, who wouldn’t even think of cheating. Before you try to put this one back together, I recommend you take your time and really consider moving on. The book will help you understand how you got here and what it takes to have a truly great relationship with a good man.
If you can’t bring yourself to move on, then the burden for fixing this broken pseudo-relationship is on him, not you. He should be crawling over broken glass begging your forgiveness. He should be setting up counseling to help the healing process. He should be doing everything in his power to prove that you can trust him, that you’re safe with him. He should be expressing deep remorse and offering the ring, proposal, and a plan for healing. Anything less than a gargantuan effort on his part is crumbs and you’ll be settling for less.
I don’t recommend that you accept the ring if he offers. Your “push back,” which is a test of character for him, would be to tell him it’s too soon for that, but if he’s intentional to ask again further down the path. If he’s an insecure man, which I suspect he is, he’ll back away and look for a woman who will take care of his needs first. This whole incident gives you the opportunity to take off the blinders and see his real character, who he really is, not the illusion you were in love with. Though you are in pain, you are lucky to find these things out now, not after marriage.
Catch Nina on the radio for “Love Strategies”!
Add comment May 7th, 2010
You’re in love, you’re spending almost every night together yet paying rent for two separate homes. Is it the right time to move in together? The answer is: maybe, but it’s wise to be cautious about co-habitation. Here’s why.
Let’s start with some data: contrary to popular opinion, living together is not an effective way to ensure that your marriage will be strong. Statistically, couples who live together prior to marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who do not. It turns out that “test driving” the relationship by living together doesn’t work. Here are some other reasons NOT to move in together:
In short, you shouldn’t move in together for reasons of convenience or money. The risk of moving in together too soon is that one of you may succumb to the Temptation to Settle for Less because it’s much harder to break up if you are co-habitating.
So what are some good reasons for living together prior to marriage – when is the right time?
In short, moving in together can work if your relationship is very solid and you are moving down the path to marriage or some form of lifetime commitment. Otherwise, moving in together can jeopardize your relationship. Why? Because unless you are on the same page, one of you may have the secret agenda of getting the other to move forward in the relationship. This can result in conflict rather than deepening your love. Better to wait for this step until you are truly aligned – ready for marriage, excited about your future together, and planning your wedding.
Listen to Nina on “Love Strategies”:
Add comment May 5th, 2010
This week’s theme on the SinglesCoach blog is Smart Dating: Using tools and structure to greatly increase positive outcomes. Unconscious dating means dating without any structure, plan, or awareness of the impact of your choices on your life. Unconscious = making lots of big mistakes; yes, you can eventually learn that way, but the price tag in divorce and multiple break-ups is high. Smart dating = being conscious and aware, making choices with some idea of future impact on your life. Again, you’ll learn along the way but with a much smaller price tag.
The term “dating” almost represents a forgotten dynamic. In today’s world of “hook-ups” and other ill-defined relationships terms, it seems out of date to talk about dating. But that’s the problem: the “lost art of dating” has left us drifting and floundering in an ocean of confusion. If you want something new, something clear-cut and empowering, then it’s time to get back to some basics that work.
Human beings don’t do well without structure. It’s become such a huge issue in our public schools, with high drop-out rates, low test scores and inability to qualify for college, that many schools are insituting school uniforms as a way to bring back structure. So far, the results are positive: many schools report a decrease in tardiness and crime and increase in focus on school work. Whether you agree with the method or not, one thing is clear: structure works. Studies show that with structure anxiety goes down, while focus and productivity go up. Structure enables a sense of greater emotional safety.
Structure in dating: creating emotional safety. Implementing structure in your dating process works as well. With it, your focus is on discovering compatility and common values, as well as being more emotionally present minus too much fantasy thinking. What are the basics? I encourage a focus on structure for the first three dates. Below are the basic guildelines. You’ll find a more complete discussion of dating structure in Be Your Own Dating Service.
First date (with someone you don’t already know well). 1.) Meet there – restaurant or coffee place. [Women: arrive early and leave last so he can’t see your car license plates. This is for your protection.] 2.) Plan for a short time frame of no more than an hour; you can always extend if you want, but I discourage “marathon dates” in the beginning because of the high degree of fantasy that develops. 3.) NO ALCOHOL on the first date: again, illusion develops quickly with alcohol.
Second date. 1.) Meet there – restaurant or other public venue. Again, you still need to protect your safety. Don’t be afraid to do a background check or ask for references when you’re dating someone you met on the internet. Absent the person’s social context [which you get when you are introduced by someone who knows both of you well], you have to be smart about this.
Third date. More of the same, although if you’ve done your background checking, you can probably have a glass of wine by now. But no getting intoxicated! That leads to big mistakes in judgment and behavior.
Hopefully you’re getting the picture by now. Slow down, take the time to “interview” someone [see later blog post this week], and be smart about it. Later this week, you’ll get tips on the purpose of the first few dates and how to manage them for maximum insight.
For more Smart Dating advice, listen to Nina on ”Love Strategies”:
Add comment May 3rd, 2010
If breaking up is hard to do, recovery is even harder, or so it seems. Heartbroken, licking your wounds, you may express your pain in a myriad of ways: withdrawal from friends and normal activities; eating empty carbohydrates or sweets (Ben & Jerry’s looks really good right now); drinking to excess; not eating (your appetite is [...]
Continue Reading Add comment April 29th, 2010
Is there anything wrong with dating just for the fun of dating? Yes, I understand the partner should not be misled. Generally speaking, it sounds as if you feel that if a relationship is not headed toward marriage, it should be over. – Brian People date for all kinds of reasons: For companionship, for [...]
Continue Reading Add comment April 27th, 2010
Thanks to services like Meetmoi and Zogo, you can bypass all the usual channels for meeting your soul mate and just dial her up! Speed Dial Dating is a new concept that’s being touted as better than online dating. Here’s what happens. You’re sitting in your favorite coffee shop and you decide that you want [...]
Continue Reading Add comment April 23rd, 2010
I run across stories like this all the time – “Living Single in a Doubles World” is a good example. Extrapolating from the latest statistics that tell us there are now more singles living in the U.S. than married couples, the message is that singles are choosing their status over marriage. But there’s more to [...]
Continue Reading 2 comments April 15th, 2010
Years ago, we called it “dating” or “relationship,” even if it was short in duration. If it involved sex, and it was longer than a one night stand, we tried to characterize it as a relationship. Now, it’s called “hooking up,” meaning that you’re having sex (oral or intercourse) but there’s not necessarily any love or commitment. [...]
Continue Reading Add comment April 13th, 2010
If you’re dating someone, long-term that is (one or more years), and you can’t bring yourself to make a commitment, take a little time and challenge yourself with these questions: Why am I in this relationship? Why is the person I’m dating in this relationship? (If you don’t know the answer to this one, find [...]
Continue Reading 2 comments April 10th, 2010
Nicole met Brian online through a popular social networking site. They quickly discovered an array of common interests – they liked the same books and movies, both were avid runners, and on and on. For weeks, they blogged, emailed, IM’d, TM’d, and carried on an intense online flirtation. Getting his emails never failed to make [...]
Continue Reading Add comment April 7th, 2010
