Breaking Up (The Fantasy) Is Hard to Do
By Nina Atwood
Lee and Sarah share their heartache with a common theme: breaking up is hard to do but it’s clear that the guy was not the right guy. How do we know that? By looking at his behavior. In Lee’s case, the guy withheld the most basic expression of love, refusing to tell her he loved her. In Sarah’s case, the guy left her because he didn’t want a commitment, she took him back, and he left two years later for the same reason. Both Lee and Sarah allowed themselves to be drawn into an unhealthy relationship dynamic that hurt them. The awareness that it was unhealthy (i.e., lacking in commitment and real love) tells them that breaking up is the right thing. Yet the pain persists.
Family and friends have probably expressed the sentiment – “good riddance!” regarding the former boyfriends because they see the big picture – guy who doesn’t love her and who hurts her. Yet, both women acknowledge the pain of the loss. Why does it hurt so much?
Breakups sometimes hurt not because the loss is real (i.e., a loving relationship with a good man is now over) but because of the loss of the fantasy (i.e., the opportunity to have this one turn out the way I wanted it to is now gone). The grief and suffering are not for the person but for the picture of what might have been that can never be fulfilled. This is known as a fantasy attachment, meaning that it is based more on what you wished for and hoped for than it is on the actual relationship.
The bad news is that a fantasy attachment can be persistently painful for a long time, unless you recognize it for what it is. The good news is that you can recover very quickly by getting real with yourself, telling yourself the truth, and seeing it for what it really was and for what it was not. Writing down the events and situations that hurt you in the relationship – all of it – helps you ground yourself in the truth – this guy didn’t really love you.
It is essential that you do not beat yourself up emotionally as you walk through this process. Instead, do the exercise non-judgmentally and objectively, sort of like a scientist examining something under a microscope. “Isn’t that interesting,” you say as you note the dynamics of the relationship and your responses to what happened. “Fascinating,” you say as you note his past and current behavior.
Writing down what you observe is essential because you will need to review it every day, perhaps several times per day, until the fantasy attachment releases. You will forget when you’re not looking at the list. Your mind will wander onto visions of the moments when he held you after making love or how good he kissed. You will have amnesia about the dark times – the lack of emotional security or real affection, the disregard for how he hurt you. That’s why you need the list. Ask your friends and family to help you recall his past behavior because you will block out the bad parts as your heart yearns for his return into your life. Family and friends can help you get real about this relatinship and that will speed your recovery.
Later, dedicate yourself to creating a powerful vision statement to guide you going forward so that you don’t repeat the pattern.
Entry Filed under: Breaking Up
2 Comments
1. sb | July 8th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
I have been in the midst of the fantasy after breaking up with my guy. His wife had died from cancer after 2 year battle. We met 5 months after she passed, and we were never apart after our first date. We had a perfectly wonderful time for months. Then, as I look back, he became extremely mentally abusive. His daughter, who is 36 and has a family of her own, decided she did not like me and turned his huge family against me and he never took up for me. Please let me say, I have many many friends and am very well liked by most of the people I meet. The most common comment from people who hear the full story is, “who would not like me” and that this was not really about me, but about a family dynamic that I had nothing to do with? During this time, he had a very bad injury and his family dropped him at my door step because he wanted to be with me so I could take care of him. I nursed him through an operation and 2 months of recouperation. All of his family called me an angel during that time (not the daughter). As time went on and he got better, he was, again, constantly off to family affairs, leaving me behind. He would talk on the phone about the fun events the family was planning while I was sitting next to him dying of pain and embarrassment. He could not see that there should be a problem with me accepting this. He said would be with his family or friends whenever he wanted to be with his family and friends, and I should be doing my own thing while he was gone. He did not have to answer to me for any reason about where he spent his time. He felt in time it would all blow over with his family. His daughter stated, “not for eternity”. He said he just could not stand to see me hurt any more and walked out. Now I have been in recovery faze for 3 months. The hurt was overwhelming and my self esteem was gone. This article helps me to see the fantasy! Although he talked love, he did not show it. There was a meaness in him that I am now becoming aware of, and I realize how cruel and unfair it all was. Time is bringing out all of this to the clear light of day. I have started my journal about all of the things that happened and times he left me in misery. I now realize, it was all about him.
2. Sarah | May 18th, 2010 at 4:05 am
I want to comment on the following statement: Writing down the events and situations that hurt you in the relationship – all of it – helps you ground yourself in the truth – this guy didn’t really love you.
Whether he indeed loves you is not the focus here. The focus is how and why the relationship isn’t really for you. You, my friend, know that you really do love you; and will prevent harming yourself. Fantasy attachment is compared to the mood altering drug known as cocaine.
Read Helen Fisher’s books for a better understanding. She is a biological anthropologist who has been researching love for 30+ years.