Dating the Wounded Guy
By Nina Atwood
You can’t rehabilitate an unstable guy with love. Paula found that out the hard way. She met Sam at a bar during girls night out with three of her closest gal pals. He sent a drink to her table and when she spotted him across the room, he was so cute he took her breath away. Later, he wandered over and asked for her number which she readily provided. Thus began a hot and heavy romance that almost drove Paula crazy.
Sam was hot and their chemistry was over the top fabulous. She of course slept with him on their second date, believing in her heart that she’d met The One and that she was on the path to marriage. He thought she was hot but didn’t have even one thought about marriage. All Sam cared about, it turned out, was having a good time. The problem was that he had a good story that kept Paula reeled in for two and a half years. Sam came from a broken home with one alcoholic and one workaholic parent.
As their relationship deepened, there were many times that Sam talked on and on about the pain of his early life and his fears of every duplicating that for anyone else (i.e., his absolute phobia of marriage and having children). Paula thought that if she just loved him enough, he would come around. She didn’t know it at the time, but she got lucky. Sam, after two and a half years of taking her on a roller-coaster ride with multiple break-ups and reunions, met someone new and ended it with Paula for good.
What Paula didn’t know was that all the love in the world coming from her was bound to result in failure and loss. Why? Because the way for an unstable guy to rehabilitate himself is to love someone else. The unstable, wounded guy must decide for himself that he’s had enough of being selfish and self-focused. He must realize all on his own that his redemption lies in choosing a good woman and then loving her with all of his heart. To love her with all of his heart, he must make a real commitment, then devote himself to making her happy each and every day of their lives. By actively loving her, his heart has the opportunity to heal.
Until he makes that decision, the wounded guy is an emotional drain on the caring women he dates. They love, give, and hope for a future while he takes, withholds real love (i.e., commitment), and avoids the responsibility of declaring a future.
If you have a pattern of dating wounded men, leave a comment below.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating
1 Comment
1. Linda | July 22nd, 2007 at 1:28 am
Yes….five years with a wounded man (lost his wife in the World Trade Center attack), but don’t know if what we..I have experienced is the fallout from that, his basic personality or both. your last sentence stated it all. To add insult to injury, he financially benfitted from his wife’s death (substantialyl) to the point of quiting his FT job and after 1 year took a job 16 hrs. a week. This is fine, but he has been highly critical of me….of my teaching..and states often he ‘can’t move forward’ with me because I don’t make enough money teaching. So many things. I don’t know anymore if it is the WTC trauma or just him. Now…he claims it just isn’t fun anymore (how could it be when so much is withheld)..and that he wants his space. But when he has his space, he doesn’t want that either. I need to break this cycle and take care of myself. It’s been very difficult. I can’t say I too did not get caught up in the emotion of those first years. (we met 9 months after the attack.) My better judgment told me to stay away from this. I didn’t listen to my gut feelings. Linda NYC