How to Get a Guy Focused on Marriage
By Nina Atwood
In this freewheeling, sex-and-the-city, post-modern, uber-woman, I-don’t-need-a-man, 50% divorce world, does it still make sense to aim for marriage? The answer is: It depends. It depends on the vision you have for your life, your willingness to be flexible, how open your heart is, and how able you are to make a real commitment. If your goal is supreme independence (I don’t want to have to answer to anyone), you’ll probably remain single, unless your attitude changes.
If your goal is marriage, then the next question is: How do you get him to have that goal? The obvious answer is: you can’t. He’s in charge of his own thoughts, feelings, desires, and life visions. He either wants marriage at some point or he doesn’t. Over those things you have no control. You do, however, have influence. How so?
The earliest stage of a romantic relationship, the enchantment stage, is the time when you have the most leverage. When he’s falling for you, he is focused on winning the prize – you! Now is your time to sit back a bit, take the time to really know him, and decide if he’s the right guy for you. If he is, you move into leveraging his feelings for you to negotiate certain agreements. With open, honest “you and me” talks, you put the truth on the table – that you’re marriage-minded – and you ask for the same honesty on his part.
If he says he doesn’t want marriage, you have the answer. He’s either not that into you, or he’s commitment-phobic. Either way, you have a choice to make. If you stay, you silently agree that marriage is off the table. Now you’re at risk for a drifting relationship. Your other choice is to sadly part ways, wishing him well, letting him know that for you, it’s too much compromise to date with no marriage in the future.
Sometimes a guy at this point in life reflects seriously and makes a new decision. Realizing that he’s being foolish to lose the possible love of his life, he shifts, takes on a new attitude, and comes back ready to move forward with marriage on the table. Many happy marriages result from a courtship dance such as this.
Sometime a guy at this point in life realizes that his hesitancy is because he’s not with the right woman. Or, he succumbs to a paralyzing fear of commitment. Either way, he’s not the right guy for you. Let him go. How do you get a guy focused on marriage? Bottom line: be clear about what you want and let the chips fall.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Marriage
4 Comments
1. Teddy Shaff | May 9th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
My ex-girlfriend, who just broke up with me, sent me here to read this blog and this post, probably because I am not interested in marriage right now and don’t think I ever will be and when I told her that she got pretty pissed and walked. I don’t think I have “a paralyzing fear of commitment”, it is just that marriage doesn’t seem like something I would ever want. It seems that you think marriage is for everyone. Is there really anything wrong with not wanting to ever get married?
2. Stuart | May 13th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Teddy … I think if you read that post more carefully, you will see that Nina Atwood doesn’t think that marriage is for everyone.
See where she writes … “does it still make sense to aim for marriage? The answer is: It depends. It depends on the vision you have for your life…”.
Your vision doesn’t include marriage. I don’t think that is wrong. Mine doesn’t either.
But I think that if you are dating, the women you are dating deserve to know up front that marriage is not in your future.
3. Nick | July 2nd, 2007 at 10:08 am
I think it’s not that the guy doesn’t want to marry “in general’, most of the time he doesn’t want to be with this particular woman. The question therefore is: how long should a lady wait before putting the issue on the table? For instance, I don’t think it will work if I am asked that question on a very first date – I will have nothing to say because I don’t know my partner at all.
As for Nina’s point about using the leverage in the enchantment stage … guys are not that stupid either. Even if he is in that stage, he still may be aware that the feelings may and will cool down in a while and therefore the lady doesn’t have as much of a leverage as she thinks.
4. Cristina | October 1st, 2007 at 4:23 pm
I think if a guy really finds the love of their life…marriage will be for them. So, if he still thinks he is not marriage material he is probably not so in love as he thinks.