Temptations: Loving a Wounded Guy and Settling For
By Nina Atwood
Dear Singlescoach:
I too was in a relationship of convenience. I pretended that one day he would commit and to this day, we don’t even discuss the subject. Over 9 yrs. and I brought the subject to his attention and I was hurt when he told me he was afraid and not ready. I gave my heart and soul in this relationship. I knew it was wrong to always be available but I’m a loyal person. I truly care for him, but now I know that what I called a relationship was no more than an arrangement. I’ve faced this truth through several breakups but always went back. The 9 yrs weren’t consistent; I allowed this and feel so used. He told me he wanted time to himself but I didn’t listen. When we were together I let that go over my thinking and listening. I believed being w/me he would eventually change his mind. Not so. I haven’t talked w/him since Jan 3rd and I promised myself that if we had another communication break down, I will never speak w/him again. When he and I had disagreements, we’ve both dealt w/issues through no calls for months. I keep asking myself ”why do I go back when I’m more devoted than he is?” I’m on the path of moving on and healing. I keep praying and doing other activities that will promote better use of my time. Can you give some comforting advice? – Dana
Dear Dana,
First, I acknowledge you for allowing yoursef to face the truth about this nine year relationship that is all but dead. I’m afraid you’ve fallen into the dating trap of loving a wounded guy, and that has led you smack into the temptation of settling for less than a truly wonderful relationship.
It’s one thing for a guy to hesitate about marriage when he’s been hurt in the past. Emotional baggage is normal, especially in today’s high divorce world. It’s normal for a guy who is scared about marriage – which really means he’s afraid of having to go through the pain of a future imagined loss – to share that with you in the context of a committed relationship. Aligned as partners who want the same thing – a loving relationship for a lifetime – you discuss it until you reach resolution. That may take one discussion or it may take many discussions, sometimes over months and even years, all inside the boundary of a treasured relationship.
But it is completely different when a guy who is afraid uses his emotional wounds to avoid responsibility for doing the right thing. This is a guy who is not embracing his challenges in life and doing what it takes to overcome them. By backing away from a meaningful dialog about something that has a huge impact on your relationship – commitment and marriage – he leaves you to carry the emotional burden. By walking out on those discussions and breaking up with you rather than have them, he hurts you at an intolerable level.
Now here’s your next temptation, and one that you have the opportunity to overcome today: Taking the lead instead of taking your cues. It’s time for you to step back and give him the opportunity to step up to the plate, be a man, and make things right with you. If he doesn’t, read it this way: He doesn’t love you, not in the way a woman needs to be loved to be happily married.
If he does step up to the plate, he must earn his way back into your heart, and that should begin with a proposal and a ring. In the event of that miracle, I recommend at least a six month engagement without sex so that you can discover if he really means it and will follow through in a loving way.
This is, of course, a pretty tall order, and not likely to occur. So your real job is to focus on you, on your recovery - especially the recovery of your self-esteem. When a woman dates a wounded guy for a long period of time and settles for less, she loses self-respect over time. You must work on feeling better about yourself – forgive yourself for mistakes, and resolve to never again compromise your values for any guy.
Buy and read my new book, Temptations of the Single Girl, so you can learn exactly what you must do to avoid these dating traps in the future.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
2 Comments
1. Heartbroken | February 17th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I must tell you that you hit the nail on the head! I just ended a 8 year relationship with a guy that couldn’t commit either. You are better than waiting … get on with your life! Everyday waiting on this guy is another day you aren’t with your true soulmate!
2. Dana | June 27th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Dear Nina & Heartbroken,
Thanks for your advice and comments; they really helped me through a trying season of my life. However, I allowed my ex-9 yr. non-commital guy back into my life. I’m so outdone w/myself. At first we just went out a few times; golfing and no sex–for a month or so. Still no conversation about commitment intiated. In fact, when I ask “Are we dating?, is this a relationship? Sometimes I wonder if he ever heard me ask the questions. I’m always hopeful things will change but here I am again in the same situation. He can’t even say relationship. One evening he wanted to be intimate and I didn’t and I held my ground and let him know that it was not going to happen. He was quiet the remainder of the evening. He didn’t call (always calls every evening) the next evening and when had to go out-of-town and didn’t tell me when he would return. I was so mad. I have not called him and I’ve only had a short “Hello, few words w/him in about 2 weeks. I’m so tired of the back and forth motions. I want to end this arrangement “FOREVER”. It drains me of energy and I want to move on, but I find it hard to think of being alone. I enjoy his company but he wants his needs met and I no longer wish to compromise what I value for someone who truly loves me and I give him the same love in return. Ladies, I was doing well before his re-entry into my life and I am now trying to get back to that point again and enjoy single life and wait for the man God will has chosen for me. Please send your comments (positive & negative); I need some encouragement and objective opinons/comments/whatever you have to share!!
How do I go on alone?
dana