Three Clues That You’re Ready For a New Relationship
By Nina Atwood
So it’s been a few days, weeks, or months since your divorce or last significant dating relationship, but are you ready for a new love? It may be tempting to look at the calendar for clues that you’re ready, but there are better ways. Why does it matter? Because if you’re not ready, there’s a high probability that you will repeat your past mistakes and soon be dealing with another breakup or divorce. Here’s how to tell you’re ready:
1. You’ve done your healing work – you’ve grieved, shared with friends and family, gotten some counseling, and you’re past the sadness, anger, and resentment. No, I mean really past it. You run into your Ex and you are no longer tempted to shriek at him or post signs around the neighborhood about what a jerk he is. You actually forgive her, even though she broke your heart by cheating on you with your best friend. That kind of healing takes a lot of work, but it pays off in the next relationship. Here’s the final test that you’ve done your healing work – you run into your Ex and his new main squeeze. You’re actually happy for him and not dwelling on obsessive thoughts about how it will never work. It’s a blip on your radar screen and you move on to other things.
2. You’ve learned your lessons – after reflection and soul-searching, you recognize the things that you did or didn’t do that contributed to the breakup of your relationship. Yes, you may have chosen poorly, but you don’t use that excuse as a trap door to escape your responsibility for communicating openly and honestly along the way. You’ve grown since your breakup, have more compassion, a deeper understanding about how relationships work. You have more to bring to the next relationship.
3. You believe in love and marriage – with the toxic feelings resolved, you are restored to a sense of hope and possibility about relationships. You’re excited about dating again, and this time, you’re in no rush! You see the power of pacing relationships, of holding out for compatibility and common values. Unlike others who are divorced or have lost long-term dating relationships, you are not cynical or bitter. Your optimism and belief in relationships is infectious and attractive.
If you get through all three of these steps, does it mean that you are now guaranteed a great relationship with someone new? No. It means that you are ready to begin. Every realtionship is a journey with challenges, and you will find that some of your old lessons come up for review. But you have the energy, the heart, the will, and the desire for the challenge.
How about you? Where are you in the process of healing and preparing to get back into dating? Post your comments below!
Entry Filed under: Dating
1 Comment
1. Stranger | December 3rd, 2010 at 11:00 am
I’m a guy and have been guilty in the past of rushing into a relationship. I didn’t realise it at the time, but looking back I see it was indeed a rush. As men we’re used to setting a goal and then working hard at it to achieve success. But relationships are different. They’re not a ‘task’ or ‘deliverable’. You have to read the signs put out by the person you’re interested in, and pace yourself accordingly. I get frustrated and agitated when the object of my attention doesn’t return my call or get back to me when I want her to, but being able to just sit on your hands and not send an email or text message or make a phone call is, I think, something that us men need to be able to do.
It seems counterintuitive to step away from something you want because everything else in our lives we move towards if we want it, but we have to remember there’s another person involved in this process, with their own hopes, needs and fears. I’m learning that when you feel agitated and frustrated, the best (but most difficult) thing to do is nothing. In this way you allow the other person to set the pace of the relationship. It’s hard for task and goal-focused men to do this, but we risk breaking something fragile if we go too hard or fast in the beginning. Women take longer to decide if a guy is worth taking a risk on, because they are naturally more risk-averse than men in general, and particularly if they are of an age when they can still have children. Choosing who to have children with is without doubt an extremely important decision. Of course not every woman who is able to wants children, but in the back of her mind, subconsciously, the ‘Would he care for, love, support and protect my children and I?’ question must be constantly playing. So my advice to myself is – when in doubt, do nothing, let the other person make the next move. What do you think?