Dear Nina: I work with this guy who is 30 yrs old. I just turned 40 but look 32. We have become great friends but it is starting to develop into something more. I do have feelings for him; we have kissed a few times but more on a friendship level. My problem is I lied to him; I told him I turned 31 not 40 because I was afraid he might reject me. I don’t want to lose him but I hate the fact that I lied; what do I do? Also, is it good to take this slow like we are doing? – Linda Dear Linda: One of the Temptations of […]
Dear Nina: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. I am a divorced mum of one child; I have tried to prevent further trauma to my son by remaining in the marital home. My relationship was very up and down with this man for the first four years and after many split ups he appears to be more committed; i.e., not going out to night clubs. The problem is that he is very jealous and upsets me when I try to do things on my own like going on a conference for my business or doing things with my friends. In […]
I’m a male, 33, and I’ve committed myself to stay out of the bedroom at least until there is a commitment and hopefully even until marriage. I feel that finding out sexual compatibility before marriage should NOT be a requirement. I cannot fathom being in love and then letting performance in bed be the deciding factor! This position makes it difficult for me to ask women out, as I’m afraid that she will demand an early sexual relationship. How do I stick to my principles and let go of this anxiety so that I can date? - Matt Contrary to […]
Cindy met Bill through her tennis club. He was charming, good-looking, and he swept her off her feet in a whirlwind courtship. Pushing for a quick marriage, he proposed after only two months. Though she felt a few flutters of anxiety, Cindy accepted, hoping for true love. Six months later, she deeply regretted the haste. Bill turned out to be both alcoholic and verbally abusive, with the threat of physical abuse lurking in the volatile atmosphere. Frightened, she moved out and filed for divorce. Later, she reflected on how she had gotten herself in such a painful place. Something deep inside Cindy had sent up warning […]
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.” – Mother Teresa Okay, so maybe we can’t always be the shining example of love that was Mother Teresa. But we can benefit from her example and her words of wisdom. If you want a great relationship, one of the milestones is realizing that most of the love you receive comes from the love that you give. If you think of it like “emotional muscle” […]
Now there’s a new way to meet your soul mate: adventure dating. The idea is that you sign up for a trip doing something that gets your adrenaline flowing; you look over at the person sharing your raft through the rapids and make a connection. I think this idea has some merit. If you’re into travel and adventure, and I mean adventure like climbing mountains and whitewater rafting, it can be difficult to date enough people to find someone who shares those interests. With Adventure Dating, you start out knowing that you share an uncommon interest. There’s an immediate connection […]
Let’s say you believe in letting a guy pay for your dates, and let’s say that instead of taking you to an expensive restaurant he takes you to a park for a picnic. Is he cheap or creative?The answer is: it depends. If he’s young and doesn’t have any money, cheap dates are a necessity. If he’s older and has money, a cheap date can be refreshing and different. What he spends the money on isn’t nearly as important as how he pulls off the date. If he asks you to make the food for the picnic and he puts little effort into the […]
Cherie writes about her Ex dating a crack addict while continuing to see her (Cherie) on the side. She asks: Number 1- Do we still have a chance to get back together? Number 2- Will he stay with her? She says, “he is in a rebound relationship and I don’t think it will last much longer.” Cherie, your focus is entirely in the wrong place. Instead of wondering if you can get back together with this guy, you should be wondering why you want him back. You describe the relationship as a drama-rama of fighting and breaking up, followed by his hooking […]
When was the last time you were kissed for the first time by someone new? I don’t mean a casual peck on the cheek. I mean a hot, passionate, bone-melting, knee-weakening, no-holds-barred kiss. Now ask yourself this: what happened after that? Did you hook up (as in casual sex), start a long-term relationship, or go your separate ways? The answer may have something to do with your gender. A new study tells us that the first big kiss means something different to guys than it does to women. For most men, a hot kiss with a new woman may be nothing […]
Suzy asked: “I have been on four wonderful dates, I feel like this could be the beginning of a wonderful thing. How do I know when it’s ok to get physical? I don’t want to move too fast but I also would love to take that step.” Before I could answer her question, she wrote this: “We have been on 3 wonderful, wishing it never ends dates but somehow the last date seemed to have ended unlike the others in that he has bailed out of two other plans. He still texts and still puts sweety as the opening but […]
These days you can do almost anything from your iPhone, including background checks on the men you date! Dudorstud.com features one that is compatible with the iPhone and others; it enables you to check for bankruptcy, marriage and divorce, and home addresses over a period of time. But the real question is: is it enough? The answer is absolutely not! Doing a background check is one part of a smart “due diligence strategy” when you date someone with no social context. You met him in a public place, you met him at Church (yes, even Church isn’t safe these days […]
Karen has a long history of being abandoned or rejected by men. The latest, Seth, asked her out four times and seemed really attracted to her. He took her to nice restaurants, opened her door, and even kissed her good night. Then he stopped calling. What went wrong? she wondered. Before Seth there was Henry, whom she dated for eight months exclusively. Wondering where their relationship was going, she asked him to declare his intentions and feelings. He refused to answer, talking in circles and not making much eye contact. Shortly thereafter, he told her he “wasn’t ready” for a relationship and broke […]
Now there’s a web site specifically for the rich or beautiful. Not the rich AND beautiful, a significant item to note. If you are beautiful and you want to date someone rich, this may be for you. If you are rich and you want to date someone beautiful, here’s your avenue. But wait – could there be something amiss here? Aiming for beauty is the wrong target. Aiming for wealth (in another person) is the wrong target. Simply put, your primary target must be about the heart, soul, and values of the person you date. Focused first on the inside person, […]
Andie met Scott at a party, the home of mutual friends. After much consumption of alcohol, they retreated to a bedroom and a night of passionate sex ensued. Though he got her phone number and text messaged her for a few days, he ultimately disappeared. Andie understood that was likely to happen and let it go. Then, three months later, she thought of him again when their mutual friend mentioned that it was Scott’s birthday, so she TM’d a birthday message. That got a response of some witty TM’s followed by his request to come over and hang out. Hanging […]
“I refuse to let what happened to me make me bitter. I still completely believe in love and I’m open to anything that will happen to me.” – Nicole Kidman on breaking up Many years ago when my ex-husband left, I initially thought that this was the end of any hope for love in my life. It took me months to wade through the grief process – shock, denial, anger, deep grief, and later, a measure of acceptance. The divorce shook my mind, heard, and body to the foundation. One day, I woke up feeling just a tiny bit better, […]
Whitney Casey, my new gal pal over at the Houston Chronicle, aptly puts it in her article – Pillow Talk Makes For Estranged Bedfellows. (Look for my comments.) The bottom line: make sure you’re well-rested before you go on a first, second, or third date. Here’s why. Subliminally, we send and receive messages, powerful ones, in every nuance of those first few dates. Think of it like a job interview: it’s one time when you want to make the absolute best impression. Whether you realize it or not, your brain is scanning every available piece of information, searching for the […]
Is it possible to marry too young? Often people say, with hindsight at the point of divorce, that they married too young. But is that true? There are many very happy couples who married young and wouldn’t change a thing in their path of life together. The distinction is age vs. maturity. Maturity is often independent of age and vice-versa. A mature decision to marry is made along two lines: 1. do we love each other?, and 2. are we compatible? To marry for love alone without assessing compatibility is immature. To marry for compatibility minus a deep down love […]
Dear Nina: I read your advice regarding love addicton and I have also ordered your book. I can’t wait to read it when it arrives. My question for you is this…is it ok to forgive a cheater? I have just spent almost 4 years with a man who I thought was the love of my life. We had been talking about marriage and I have been waiting for him to propose. Two weeks ago I found out that he was seeing someone else. I confronted both of them and ended my relationship with him. He says he’s sorry and wants me to forgive him. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. Can a couple truly overcome cheating? Is it ok to forgive or should I move on? Am I just addicted to the idea of him? This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I know that I love him, but I don’t know if I should forgive him or move on. – Confused, Michelle
Dear Michelle: I hope you do forgive him eventually, although you’ll need time. Carrying forward resentment or bitterness hurts YOU, so yes, forgive in time. But forgiveness is only one small part of this equation, and just because you forgive doesn’t necessarily mean you go back into the relationship.
There are many, many issues that must be resolved after infidelity in order to have a healthy relationship. The biggest is the loss of trust, without which you don’t have a relationship. Right now, you don’t know who this man is – he wasn’t honest and authentic with you, so at best you love an illusion – the man you thought he was, as you pointed out. So a huge step in this process would be to understand who he really is. Questions you must explore in depth with him include:
Why did he seek another relationship? What was missing in this one for him that left him so unsatisfied that he looked for it with another woman?
What was his commitment to her? Did he tell her he loved her, too? (if so, he may still be involved with her, despite what he says)
If he says it wasn’t love with her, then the next question is: could he have a sexual addiction problem? How many other women has he cheated on in the past? Does he use pornography? What is his pattern?
Why does he want you back? Is it loneliness, fear, feelings of abandonment because you left?
If he says it’s you he wants, then you must ask: If I’m so wonderful, why did you feel compelled to do another woman?
If you were married to this guy for ten years and had three children, Michelle, I would recommend marriage counseling and a good solid effort to save your relationship. Couples can recover from infidelity as long as it isn’t a pattern and as long as there are many other qualities in the marriage that are positive, plus genuine, deep remorse on the part of the cheating person.
You’re in the middle of the Temptation to Settle for Less than a truly great relationship. You’re not married, you don’t have children, and you are in a position to move on to a man whom you can totally trust. Believe me, there are many, many men of good character out there who would find your boyfriend’s behavior disgusting, who wouldn’t even think of cheating. Before you try to put this one back together, I recommend you take your time and really consider moving on. The book will help you understand how you got here and what it takes to have a truly great relationship with a good man.
If you can’t bring yourself to move on, then the burden for fixing this broken pseudo-relationship is on him, not you. He should be crawling over broken glass begging your forgiveness. He should be setting up counseling to help the healing process. He should be doing everything in his power to prove that you can trust him, that you’re safe with him. He should be expressing deep remorse and offering the ring, proposal, and a plan for healing. Anything less than a gargantuan effort on his part is crumbs and you’ll be settling for less.
I don’t recommend that you accept the ring if he offers. Your “push back,” which is a test of character for him, would be to tell him it’s too soon for that, but if he’s intentional to ask again further down the path. If he’s an insecure man, which I suspect he is, he’ll back away and look for a woman who will take care of his needs first. This whole incident gives you the opportunity to take off the blinders and see his real character, who he really is, not the illusion you were in love with. Though you are in pain, you are lucky to find these things out now, not after marriage.
You’re in love, you’re spending almost every night together yet paying rent for two separate homes. Is it the right time to move in together? The answer is: maybe, but it’s wise to be cautious about co-habitation. Here’s why.
Let’s start with some data: contrary to popular opinion, living together is not an effective way to ensure that your marriage will be strong. Statistically, couples who live together prior to marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who do not. It turns out that “test driving” the relationship by living together doesn’t work. Here are some other reasons NOT to move in together:
One of your leases comes up and you figure you’ll save money
To save on gas – no more driving back and forth
Your other couple friends live together
You hope that by living together the engagement will follow
You like his/her home better than yours
In short, you shouldn’t move in together for reasons of convenience or money. The risk of moving in together too soon is that one of you may succumb to the Temptation to Settle for Less because it’s much harder to break up if you are co-habitating.
So what are some good reasons for living together prior to marriage – when is the right time?
Both of you see yourselves as a committed couple
Engagement is definitely in the plan, or you are already engaged
Marriage is definitely in the plan, or you have a date set
In short, moving in together can work if your relationship is very solid and you are moving down the path to marriage or some form of lifetime commitment. Otherwise, moving in together can jeopardize your relationship. Why? Because unless you are on the same page, one of you may have the secret agenda of getting the other to move forward in the relationship. This can result in conflict rather than deepening your love. Better to wait for this step until you are truly aligned – ready for marriage, excited about your future together, and planning your wedding.
This week’s theme on the SinglesCoach blog is Smart Dating: Using tools and structure to greatly increase positive outcomes. Unconscious dating means dating without any structure, plan, or awareness of the impact of your choices on your life. Unconscious = making lots of big mistakes; yes, you can eventually learn that way, but the price tag in divorce and multiple break-ups is high. Smart dating = being conscious and aware, making choices with some idea of future impact on your life. Again, you’ll learn along the way but with a much smaller price tag.
The term “dating” almost represents a forgotten dynamic. In today’s world of “hook-ups” and other ill-defined relationships terms, it seems out of date to talk about dating. But that’s the problem: the “lost art of dating” has left us drifting and floundering in an ocean of confusion. If you want something new, something clear-cut and empowering, then it’s time to get back to some basics that work.
Human beings don’t do well without structure. It’s become such a huge issue in our public schools, with high drop-out rates, low test scores and inability to qualify for college, that many schools are insituting school uniforms as a way to bring back structure. So far, the results are positive: many schools report a decrease in tardiness and crime and increase in focus on school work. Whether you agree with the method or not, one thing is clear: structure works. Studies show that with structure anxiety goes down, while focus and productivity go up. Structure enables a sense of greater emotional safety.
Structure in dating: creating emotional safety. Implementing structure in your dating process works as well. With it, your focus is on discovering compatility and common values, as well as being more emotionally present minus too much fantasy thinking. What are the basics? I encourage a focus on structure for the first three dates. Below are the basic guildelines. You’ll find a more complete discussion of dating structure in Be Your Own Dating Service.
First date (with someone you don’t already know well). 1.) Meet there – restaurant or coffee place. [Women: arrive early and leave last so he can’t see your car license plates. This is for your protection.] 2.) Plan for a short time frame of no more than an hour; you can always extend if you want, but I discourage “marathon dates” in the beginning because of the high degree of fantasy that develops. 3.) NO ALCOHOL on the first date: again, illusion develops quickly with alcohol.
Second date. 1.) Meet there – restaurant or other public venue. Again, you still need to protect your safety. Don’t be afraid to do a background check or ask for references when you’re dating someone you met on the internet. Absent the person’s social context [which you get when you are introduced by someone who knows both of you well], you have to be smart about this.
Third date. More of the same, although if you’ve done your background checking, you can probably have a glass of wine by now. But no getting intoxicated! That leads to big mistakes in judgment and behavior.
Hopefully you’re getting the picture by now. Slow down, take the time to “interview” someone [see later blog post this week], and be smart about it. Later this week, you’ll get tips on the purpose of the first few dates and how to manage them for maximum insight.
For more Smart Dating advice, listen to Nina on ”Love Strategies”:
If breaking up is hard to do, recovery is even harder, or so it seems. Heartbroken, licking your wounds, you may express your pain in a myriad of ways: withdrawal from friends and normal activities; eating empty carbohydrates or sweets (Ben & Jerry’s looks really good right now); drinking to excess; not eating (your appetite is gone); working too much; obsessively thinking about the lost love. But how long should you engage in this wound-licking, often dysfunctional, behavior? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how long you give yourself permission to wallow in self-punishing behavior. Drinking too much, […]
Dear Nina: Is there anything wrong with dating just for the fun of dating? Yes, I understand the partner should not be misled. Generally speaking, it sounds as if you feel that if a relationship is not headed toward marriage, it should be over. – Brian Brian: People date for all kinds of reasons: For companionship, for intimacy, to look for a significant partner, and yes, for fun. There’s nothing wrong with dating for fun – it’s human nature to seek companionship in life, to enjoy being with another with no particular goal in mind. On the other side […]
Thanks to services like Meetmoi and Zogo, you can bypass all the usual channels for meeting your soul mate and just dial her up! Speed Dial Dating is a new concept that’s being touted as better than online dating. Here’s what happens. You’re sitting in your favorite coffee shop and you decide that you want to know who you can meet in your immediate neighborhood. You dial in your favorite hook-up technology via cell phone, a signal goes out, and somewhere nearby someone gets your text message. You get to design your message, so it could be something as simple […]
Cyndi wonders if she’s all alone in the Big Apple, envisioning herself in a happy relationship with a good guy. Her friends tell her to “have a good time” (i.e., sleep around and live for the moment) while her dates offer up crumbs instead of a banquet (i.e., a threesome instead of committed monogamy). Up against that kind of feedback, it’s easy to understand why Cyndi has to work a bit at keeping her morale and her morals. First, hats off to you, Cyndi! You are adhering to your values and maintaining an optimistic view of life and relationships. Yes, Cyndi, I assure you, there […]
Dear Nina: I read your book Be Your Own Dating Service and loved it; however I found myself startled when I read the term “Westbound Train” because I realize, I think I am one! I mostly relate to the ‘I Love you but.. ‘ syndrome–In all my relationships I’ve never wanted to fully commit thinking there might be better. I’ve tended to never be fully satisfied with the person, only finding them attractive conditionally (if they wore their hair a certain way, wore certain clothes, did certain things etc.), and eventually break up with them because I feel like I […]
You’re in love, you’re spending almost every night together yet paying rent for two separate homes. Is it the right time to move in together? The answer is: maybe, but it’s wise to be cautious about co-habitation. Here’s why.
