Mel Gibson’s girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, believes he is a “solid and failthful person,” according to an interview in Britain’s Glamour Magazine this month. Perhaps he’s changed, now that he’s fathered yet another child with Oksana. Maybe he’s learned from the mistake of cheating on his wife of 29 years, mother of his first seven children. Let’s hope so, since another child’s welfare is at stake. Probably not, and here’s why. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Maybe Gibson’s first marriage was fatally flawed, and maybe he couldn’t see any other path but to leave and start over. […]
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Dear Nina: I’m a 24 year old mother of two, I began dating a guy who is a few months younger than I am. He lives about 20 minutes away, we’ve been seeing each other for almost two years now. He lives with his parents and works for his dad full time. I get to see him once during the week and he comes over and usually spends the weekend with me and my two boys. He loves the kids and they are crazy for him. I love him with all my heart, I truly believe he feels the same. It’s […]
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Dear Nina: I am 34 (never married) and my boyfriend is 48 (divorced with two children). We have been together for one year. Previous to this relationship, I read “Temptations of the Single Girl” and “Be your Own Dating Service”. Knowing that It was not the right thing I slept with him after the third date. After that, I felt strongly attached to him. In your book “Be your Own Dating Service” you suggest writing a list of “Negotiables” and “Non Negotiables”. In my list I did not take into account age and children. At his moment I am concerned about our […]
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Dear Nina: I read Temptations of the Single Girl and absolutely loved it! It really spoke to me in a time of need. My question is this– how do you get over a relationship where there were multiple instances of cheating? I just found out my boyfriend of eight months began cheating on me for the 3rd time. I finally was able to walk away, but he said so many things and did so many things inconsistent with that type of behavior that I’m desperately afraid that I will have trouble believing what any man says for the rest of my […]
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Dear Nina: I have been seeing the same guy for three years and we have been actual boyfriend and girlfriend for two years. I am 23 and he is 24. I graduated college got a nice full-time job, my own apartment, and have built a nice little foundation for myself 30-45 min away from where he lives in a place that he really likes too. (we used to live 2 hours away) My boyfriend and I have had a long distance relationship since day one. After graduating I moved closer to him. I asked him when he wanted to move in together […]
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Dear Nina: I told you before how much I appreciate your guidance through Temptations of the Single Girl and Be your own Dating Service as well. I’ve been studying those books every single day since I got them, about two months now. I’m very serious about changing my old pattern about dating; it’s AMAZING how much progress I’ve made about dating; definitely empowers me and makes me realize how important my values are. I joined an online dating service, I have expended my social life, and I feel a lot better and happier with my life. You suggest to date more […]
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Dear Nina: I am 21, and the person I’m dating is 22. We have known each other for about two years now. We live about an hour away from each other, but still talk. We began sleeping together right from the start of our relationship, and have on and off ever since. I do think that was a big mistake, but I love being with him. I feel so comfortable with him, and he makes me laugh! I want more from the relationship, though. How do I get more? How can I get him to commit to just me, and […]
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Dear Nina: I’m a 46 year old woman who has never been married. I have always dated with an eye on a committed relationship leading to marriage. I recently had a first date with a man who is 40 and a good Christian man. We met four years ago, then our lives took us in separate directions. Our paths have crossed again and we recently went out to dinner. It was the best date I’ve had in a long time; it’s almost scary! I’m hopeful for a second date. How should I proceed from here? I don’t want to blow […]
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Dear Nina: I have been dating a guy for 4 1/2 months. He is 43 and I am 48. We hit it off immediately. I made the error of sleeping with him on our first date (I initiated it). He has never been married and has no children. He wants a non exclusive relationship to see how things work out between us. He says he has only been in love once (15 years ago) and does not want to rush into anything. I agreed to wait and see if he decides he wants to be with me exclusively. I am […]
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I’ve recently ended a loving, healthy relationship (after three years of dating) due to my partner’s unwillingness to make a long-term commitment. This was someone I deeply loved who was right for me in many ways, and I am struggling to understand why this has happened and what I need to do to go forward. How do I come to terms with this loss so that my heart is open in the future and I can move on to something even better? – Jennifer First of all, I acknowledge you for doing something that takes tremendous courage and strength. You […]
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Dear Nina: I just began dating again after a 5-1/2 year period (I had two relationships in a row go down in flames and I was pretty disgusted for a long time). I recently found Be your own Dating Service at Barnes & Noble and I enjoyed the book — that’s how I found your website. I think one of my problems is that I push too hard too early. (My other problem is, I try to stay and “fix” relationships after it should be clear that there’s no hope . . . ) My question is this — An […]
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In a previous blog we looked the pressure to get engaged and the need for an open, honest “you and me” talk. If you are unsure of your love for the person you’ve been dating long term, this talk may unearth your ambivalence. Thus, you may put off the conversation. You may find yourself caught in one of the oldest mind traps of all time, telling yourself: I’ll deal with this after the holidays. After all, you tell yourself, a few more weeks won’t matter. You don’t want to hurt this person by abandoning him/her right before all the holiday events you had […]
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Have you been dating someone for a significant period of time and with a high level of involvement? Do you feel the pressure to get engaged over the holidays? For many couples in this situation, the expectation of getting engaged rachets up with every DeBeers commercial you watch together. Family and friends may unwittingly add to the pressure as well. The biological clock may tick especially loudly this time of year. Your inner voice may ask, “How many more holidays do I have to get through before I’m celebrating them with my own family?” If you’re not ready to get engaged, and […]
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Dear Nina: I am a 28 year old male who likes a 22 year old female. She is very nice and is cool to be around. There is just one problem. I would like to ask her out but I seem to always clam up and can’t get the courage to ask her out. I guess my real problem is I am afraid if I ask her and she doesn’t feel the same way that I could lose a friend or at least make her feel a little strange when hanging out. So how would I approach this? – Steven […]
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Dear Nina: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 months. We love each other very much and have talked about getting engaged next year and getting married in 2010. The one thing that has been sitting with me has been the fact that he is overweight and had gastric bypass nearly 3 years ago. I hadn’t “seen” his weight until last week when my therapist brought up her concerns over the fact that he is overweight. She thinks that if I continue dating him I’ll end up being unhappy in the long run. He and I have a very open communication […]
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Hundreds of men and women have asked me this question in one form or another over the years, and my standard answer is this: in every case, two people carry the responsibility for the relationship. “But to what degree?,” they ask. My answer: each person is 100% responsibile for the results of the relationship. “But how can that be?” people wail. In the midst of conflict, when you’re emotionally triggered, it feels like you are the wronged one, that the other person is inflicting all the pain. Later, however, when no longer triggered, deep down you know that you contributed […]
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Dear Nina: I’ve been dating a guy for about two years whom I love very much and am committed to. He has issues but mismanaged $ is the biggest in my view – he lives above his means and is in debt. I feel he resents me because I make twice as much money. He seems content with living a substandard life versus growing together and getting certain things in his life on track. I don’t nag him about it…but it creeps up when we go to dinner or shopping, etc. We both know that marraige is the next step for us…and I […]
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Dear Nina: I have been living with a man for almost three years who I am in love with. I am 41 and he is 43. He has some real problems–he was brought up on fraud charges a few years back–though I know by my own research that he was innocent and was framed. Our relationship began before this happened. At that time, he was telling me he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. He was previously married but she left him. As he and I have become closer, moving in together, sharing a lot of ups and downs […]
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Dear Nina: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a month and a half. We’ve been moving at a good pace and I hope we have a strong future ahead of us. I believe he’s going to tell me he loves me soon (he’s given me indications he’s been feeling this way). I’m not sure I’m there yet. Is it concerning for someone to tell you they love you so early on in a relationship? How long should one wait? – Debbie Dear Debbie: In dating, the words “I love you” are often spoken to describe the experience of falling in love, […]
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Dear Nina: My fiancé of five and a half years recently cheated on me and left me about five months before our marriage. Since then she has been with that guy. She refuses to give us a second chance. But at the same time she calls every day, wants to hang out as much as possible, says that I am her best friend, and doesn’t want to lose me. But when I talk about me going out on a date she throws a fit. What should I do? Should I just keep being a friend or should I move on? – Mike Dear Mike: First […]
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You’re in love, you’re spending almost every night together yet paying rent for two separate homes. Is it the right time to move in together? The answer is: maybe, but it’s wise to be cautious about co-habitation. Here’s why. Let’s start with some data: contrary to popular opinion, living together is not an effective way to ensure that your marriage will be strong. Statistically, couples who live together prior to marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who do not. It turns out that “test driving” the relationship by living together doesn’t work. Here are some other reasons NOT […]
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I’ve been asked this question countless times over the years: Can two people who were in love and break up then be friends? The answer is twofold: It depends, and maybe in time but usually not at first. To really get at this answer, we have to look at a definition of friendship. There are many kinds of friends in life – some are situational, such as co-workers or school mates. When you change jobs or graduate, those friendships often don’t last. It’s not that you didn’t like each other; it’s that you didn’t have a bond deep enough to […]
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Yesterday my husband and I were house-shopping, not seriously but just to see what’s out there in our neighborhood. One home we looked at had most of the features we were looking for, including a wonderful balcony overlooking a pool (a condo). There was just one problem. The pool pump was right underneath the balcony and it was very loud. This was our deal breaker, and our interest plummeted. Everyone has deal-breakers in life, and they are unique to each person. This is especially true in dating, even if held unconsciously. I call these non-negotiables, and they represent our most cherished values. Non-negotiables are […]
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Barbara writes: It appears that I’m a “limerant” after reading some descriptions – problem is, I’m involved in this type of “state” for over 8 years. Also I’m married and so is he. I’ve tried to break it off at least 20 times but we both can’t seem to let it go. And you’re right – the highs are incredible but the lows are awful. To intensify the problem we are also best friends for 40 years and so are our spouses. I feel disaster coming if I can’t control my emotions over this man and I can’t seem to. What can I […]
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In relationships, whether it’s work, dating, or friendships, one of the most challenging dynamics is that of communication. Yet ask 100 people to rate themselves, and 99 of them will likely report that they are good communicators. Why the disconnect? Because our skill as communicators, or lack thereof, lies squarely in the psychological ”blind spot” – the aspect of self-awareness that is hidden from us unless we take personal growth seriously and ask others to reflect back what they see. If you asked your closest friends and family members how effective you are as a listener, what would they say? Would they say that you […]
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