Will He Make a Commitment?

 By Nina Atwood

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Dear Nina: I have been seeing the same guy for three years and we have been actual boyfriend and girlfriend for two years. I am 23 and he is 24. I graduated college got a nice full-time job, my own apartment, and have built a nice little foundation for myself 30-45 min away from where he lives in a place that he really likes too. (we used to live 2 hours away) My boyfriend and I have had a long distance relationship since day one. After graduating I moved closer to him. I asked him when he wanted to move in together and he said that he doesn’t want to live together before marriage. (I feel and my friends feel that he likes the way his life is and doesn’t want to change it) I personally feel that I need to live with him to make sure I can marry him, and I am having a hard time staying in this relationship because of the distance and knowing that he doesn’t want to live with me before marriage. The thing is we are a very happy/in love couple when we are together. But this long distance stuff is making my side of the relationship weak. He just had the perfect opportunity to move out of his area find a new job and told me that he was thinking about moving closer to me to make our relationship better and grow together more…But he didn’t and nothing has changed. I can’t do a long distance relationship anymore and expressed that to him, but he won’t move in with me, and I see no signs of him moving closer to me. I keep thinking about taking a break but I do love him and see my future with him…and I’m afraid of losing him from my life. Should I take a break to make him know I’m serious about living together? Should I talk to him again about living together and let him know I can’t say “I do” unless we’re living together or 5 min down the road from each other? I’m ready to either work on us building the foundation for our talk about marriage in the next couple of years or I’m ready to take a break to see if he’ll chase after me like I did with him. – Peggy

Dear Peggy: The answer is, of course, it depends. If you don’t mind always wondering if he really loves you and if you are THE ONE for him, then keep doing what you’re doing – chasing after him, accommodating him, making excuses for him, and hanging onto HOPE.

On the other hand, if you want to feel the enormous peace of mind and heart that a woman feels when the man she adores pursues her, I would suggest a change of tactic. First, it is not good to live together without a very strong level of commitment – preferably engagement with a date set. All the recent studies point to the failure of living together as a test for marriage – most of those relationships lead to break up or a later divorce. Right now, you have a reluctant level of commitment from him - potential disaster if you move in while he’s so uncertain.

The real conversation you need to have with him is the You and Me conversation, and it goes something like this:

“Now that we’ve been dating for two years, it’s time to know whether or not we are on the same page. I love you and envision us spending our lives together, but I’m not sure you have the same vision. I know you care for me and enjoy our time together, but that’s not the same thing as seeing me as your future wife. I’m not pushing you for a timetable or to get engaged – I think it’s best for that to happen when the time is right for both of us. What I’m pushing for is for you to tell me the truth about how you see me – a great girlfriend but transitional, or future wife. Please think it over and contact me when you have the answer for yourself. I trust you to be honest with me – the worst thing you can do is lead me on when you know deep down it’s not going to go toward marriage.”

It takes courage for a woman to put the question to a man in that way – asking for honesty even though you know it will be devastating if he tells you you’re not the one. But until you know the answer to this question, you are setting yourself up for future heartache. Lots of women succeed in moving in with men who are not wild about them; even succeed in getting the guy down the aisle through guilt and obligation. But it doesn’t result in a happy marriage. Instead, you may find yourself wondering why you pushed the agenda so hard.

You’re young, Peggy, and even though you love this guy, the truth is that he may not be the best guy for you. I encourage you to hold out a bit longer, push back in this relationship, and give him the opportunity to step up to the plate. Men really like to pursue; they don’t fall as deeply in love with women who chase them. If you give him the chance to pursue you, he has the opportunity to grow up and be more of a man, and that opens the door for a much healthier relationship and eventual marriage. If he doesn’t, prepare yourself to move on and the next time, make sure you read Temptations of the Single Girl so that you never again succumb to the temptation to take the lead OR the temptation to settle for less than a truly great relationship with a commitment-ready guy.

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Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Relationships