The cure for mixed signals in dating is simple: over communicate! If you have a tendency to hold back your thoughts and feelings, hoping that the other person’s behavior will eventually reveal the truth, speak up! Ask, reflect, give your perspective, clarify, listen, push back when it doesn’t make sense. In short, open the dialog and keep it open until you get that solid feeling in your gut that says “I get it”! Read my books and listen to my tapes for all the tools for communicating powerfully as you date and decide. Watch out for your own agenda. If […] Read More...

Unilateral decision making is a huge mistake in relationships. What does that mean? In dating, it means trying to draw conclusions about someone’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions minus feedback. Carry this habit forward into marriage and one day someone comes home from work to find the furniture moved and a divorce petition in the front hallway. Relationships are a two-way street and that means constant feedback. While you can create certain theories based on behavior and life history, it’s impossible to really know another person’s mindset without asking them. In healthy relationships, there’s an ongoing exchange of mindsets, an ongoing dialog […] Read More...

Another common dating mistake is trying to read someone’s behavior with no context to refer to. The context I’m talking about is “life context,” meaning the person’s personal relationship history. How do you find out someone’s “life context”? By asking lots of personal, even intrusive, questions. Dating is personal. Sometimes people say, “but that’s so personal! How can I ask that on a second or third date?” My answer is: dating is personal! Dating is about deciding who to bond with, invest with emotionally, and ultimately, who to marry. It doesn’t get any more personal than that. Making powerful decisions […] Read More...

Viv’s question in the last post highlights another common dating mistake: overanalyzing others’ behavior to try to figure out what they’re thinking and feeling. Carrie and friends in Sex and the City did this constantly. First, the long descriptors of his every action, word, facial expression, and body language. Then, the dissecting. What does it mean? What does he mean? What does it mean for our future? Do we have a future? Overanalyzing is a way to stay emotionally safe. In the comfort of the company of good friends, it’s safe to examine his behavior. There’s no emotional risk in […] Read More...

Dear SinglesCoach:  If a man treats you like a queen but has a “friend” ( he never calls her a girl friend) that he says he is not committed to should I run?  He seems wonderful and has helped me tremendously in the last 2 years but his signals are very confusing. When I am around him, he is attentive, affectionate (hugs and brief lip kisses) has done a lot of nice things for me in the last year. All things I was missing in my marriage. I feel like he is a soulmate. He invited me and my brother and sister who were […] Read More...

Solidify your spiritual path. Regardless of your religious orientation, or even lack thereof, the most powerful component of attraction is a strong inner life. Having a spiritual path means that you believe in something greater than yourself, that you have faith in your soul’s journey through life, that you believe you are ultimately being taken care of by God, Spirit, or however you reference your higher power. With a solid spiritual path, you can better handle the ups and downs of dating, the disappointments when a promising love turns into a dud. Your spiritual path is your “center” in life, […] Read More...

Get real about your “personal presentation.” At the risk of sounding superficial, I must address one of the most salient aspects of attraction: how you look! Like it or not, in the singles world, you are first judged by your appearance, second by your facial expression, and last by your personality (which takes time to reveal). Those first few impressions make all the difference in whether or not you get the date. Here’s the truth: if you are height/weight proportionate, have a hairstyle that’s current, and wear clean, pressed clothes in current styles, you’ve pretty much got personal presentation nailed. If you’re […] Read More...

Create a fulfilling life now. The key to being relaxed about the timing of love is to be generally content with life, now. If you want to own a home, buy it. If you crave a European vacation, take it. If you want that degree you didn’t finish, complete it. If you want more money, figure out how to earn it. Start that business, go to that spa. In short, live now, be present in your life, enjoy life for exactly what it is. Healthy, balanced people are drawn to others who have their lives together. No one wants a […] Read More...

Let go of the end result. Paradoxically, if you want to be successful in dating, you must desire a good relationship while simultaneously having no attachment to if or when it will happen. The key is this: your intention is to have a loving, healthy, balanced relationship. That means a relationship that is good for both people in it, you and the other person as well! Creating a good, loving, lasting relationship takes a great deal more than initial attraction. It takes emotional intelligence and maturity. It also means that as you date, you pay attention logically to the patterns that are developing. […] Read More...

Consider two friends, Julie and Kristen. They are almost the same age, both mid thirties. Both want a good relationship leading to a happy marriage. They’re both college educated and have good jobs. They’re attractive, though neither is a beauty queen. Julie dates lots of guys. Men are attracted to her everywhere she goes, like bees to honey. Kristen can’t get a date no matter how hard she tries. What’s different? Let’s look a little deeper. Julie is self-confident. She likes herself and she enjoys life on many levels. She has a genuinely positive attitude overall, though she has her […] Read More...

Create a Vision Statement. Now that you’ve identified your core values and how they manifest in a relationship, write a powerful vision statement that pulls all of it together. Devote some time to this exercise. Set aside quiet time, light candles or play your favorite soft music. Meditate and reflect on the picture you have in your mind of the ideal relationship. Don’t focus on what the person will look like - how tall, how beautiful, or how wealthy. Instead, put your focus on the dynamics of the relationship you want to have. This where the rubber meets the road! How […] Read More...

Go for character first. Good looks can fade over a lifetime: bodies gain weight, hair turns gray, wrinkles appear. That’s the reality, so get real about it. While you’re single and searching, focus on character: your own and that of the people you date. Does that mean you don’t care about attraction? Of course not! But take a leap of faith with me and trust that if you focus on the right target, out of all those folks with character there will be someone you find divinely attractive. What does character mean? In a nutshell, it’s the ability to do […] Read More...

The power of attraction is immeasurable. Though it may seem relationships are random, in reality we are constantly sending out the energy of attraction and that draws certain people in while keeping other people away. The problem is that we don’t stop and calibrate the mechanism of attraction so that we can draw in what we really want. The first step is to determine exactly that. Let’s start with what you don’t want: anger, manipulation, neediness, fear of commitment, chaos, addiction, abuse, neglect, incompatibility, infidelity, emotional disconnection, dishonesty, or bottom line, lack of love. Great. Now that you know what […] Read More...

What if you are months or years post-divorce and you didn’t earn your way out? You can still do your “emotional homework” and prepare yourself for a better marriage in the future. Part one of the homework you do on your own. Part two is optional, depending on the relationship you have with your ex. Part One: Take personal responsibility. Even if your spouse left you, and especially if you left him or her, it’s vital that you recognize your part in the breakdown of the marriage. Spend a significant amount of time quietly reflecting, letting go of ego and […] Read More...

I’ve recently ended a loving, healthy relationship (after three years of dating) due to my partner’s unwillingness to make a long-term commitment. This was someone I deeply loved who was right for me in many ways, and I am struggling to understand why this has happened and what I need to do to go forward. How do I come to terms with this loss so that my heart is open in the future and I can move on to something even better? – Jennifer First of all, I acknowledge you for doing something that takes tremendous courage and strength. Commitment […] Read More...

As a middle-aged male, I feel we men are at a distinct gender disadvantage with respect to establishing and developing a strong emotional connection with a woman. For one, we don’t talk as much and therefore don’t get as much practice! To be honest, I don’t really have a good sense of what an “emotional connection” is. Could you please define this important term and suggest some ways to help create it between women and men so that it meets both their needs. - Robert Defining emotional connection is somewhat like defining love. Like love, it is a subjective experience that […] Read More...

What is the definition of a “rebound relationship”? Is it true they can be unhealthy??- David Rebound relationships occur very shortly after the end of a significant love, and sometimes begin before the end. The problem with a rebound is that it doesn’t allow time for the grieving and healing process to be complete. When this happens, there is emotional confusion. Sometimes, the feelings for the old partner simply transfer to the new one, and that results in the illusion that you’ve found someone totally “different,” when, in fact, you’ve found someone very much like your old love. Often the […] Read More...

Note: This article is a follow-up to “Am I In a Settle-For Relationship?” Settling for less is a sign of giving up – on yourself, on your romance, and on the possibility of having a great relationship. Sometimes it is a symptom of underlying problems that haven’t been addressed in the relationship. Sometimes it is the sign of a false beginning – choosing someone because of loneliness or emotional desperation, rather than waiting for a truly right partner. If you think you may be settling for less than a healthy relationship with someone you deeply love, there are several things […] Read More...

I am currently in a Settle-For Relationship. My problem is I always get into these and don’t have the courage to back out of them so I always get to the commitment part and continue on. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 months now and I am not happy and I want to end it with her but I can’t do it due to guilt. I feel as though she won’t be able to find anyone else or she’ll be completely heart broken about it. I got up the courage once to break up with her but after […] Read More...

How would you change your advice on dating for a single person with children? Aren’t there so many issues involved that make it nearly impossible to start dating, much less get to the point of a serious commitment? Also, when is it appropriate to introduce a dating partner to your children? - Karen Without a doubt, being a parent changes the logistics and dynamics of socializing and dating. It’s challenging enough to get out and search for a partner, but when you have to handle child care and your children’s questions as well, it’s even more so. Time – to a […] Read More...

What happens when you get to the point of “No matter what the outcome I will be okay?” I seem to have the problem now that I know I’m okay and don’t need someone, I don’t get close to anyone. There is an important distinction between individuation (basically, that I am a separate human being who is complete even when not in a relationship) and the fear of intimacy. You know it is the latter when you don’t allow yourself to get close to another person. As human beings, we seek the middle ground, but sometimes we miss. Perhaps at […] Read More...

I have fallen in love with someone who thinks he’s in love with someone else. I still want to hang on. I’ve let myself fall in love with him, and I feel desperate to keep him in my life in some way even though I know it’s unhealthy. How can I break this hold?? – Julie The key words in your question are “desperate” and “unhealthy,” both of which indicate that you are crossing the line into what is referred to as love addiction*. This is basically a relationship in which you cannot get your needs met and you feel […] Read More...

I have been single for six years since my divorce, and had two significant long-term relationships that ended very painfully (Westbound Trains). In the past several months, I have practiced what you teach; going out with men casually at first and taking time to find out the potential; having the Shopping Conversation by the 4th or 5th date. The past two men that I have really hit it off with (similar values, lots in common) have abruptly exited shortly after becoming exclusive, even though they both assured me that they were ready for a relationship. I have felt blind-sided both […] Read More...

I have been in an on and off relationship for a year and a half and I know it’s not what I want. I’ve started to go out with someone new (only a couple of dates) and I know I need to tell my boyfriend, who in the past has been possessive and jealous. What do I say, and how do I handle his questions?   – Carolyn There is no easy way to tell someone that you are moving on, yet it’s not fair to take those steps while keeping the other person in the dark. So, I acknowledge […] Read More...

By Nina Atwood How do you define “falling in love?” I don’t know when I am in love – how do I recognize someone that I love? Falling in love is a purely subjective experience that is different for each person, so it’s difficult to define in a way that speaks to everyone. It’s sort of like asking for a definition of the color blue. You know what it looks like and so do I, but do we truly see the same color? Most people experience falling in love in a variety of ways. It is a sweeping sense of […] Read More...