June 29th, 2010 by Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I work with this guy who is 30 yrs old. I just turned 40 but look 32. We have become great friends but it is starting to develop into something more. I do have feelings for him; we have kissed a few times but more on a friendship level. My problem is I lied to him; I told him I turned 31 not 40 because I was afraid he might reject me. I don’t want to lose him but I hate the fact that I lied; what do I do? Also, is it good to take this slow like we are doing? – Linda
Dear Linda: One of the Temptations of the Single Girl is Dating Without Integrity, and that is the trap you’re in. Relationships are all about trust, and you will have none if you don’t correct your situation pronto. Lesson for the future: Don’t lie about your life to catch a guy; it always bites you later. Now, let’s get some perspective on your current situation.
You can’t lose him because you don’t yet have him. What you’ve described is a guy who is still checking you out. Guys kiss women without necessarily having any real intentions toward them. Women develop feelings from kissing and other forms of physical intimacy. Guys can play this game and quickly move on, so the first thing you must do is find out where you stand before you get more emotionally involved. FYI – “going slow” is a good thing, but if he’s not really pursuing you, he may be stalled.
You’ll know he’s interested in a relationship when he pursues: calls you and asks you out in advance, takes you to romantic dinners, etc. If you’re just “hanging out” with him, stop. Stop being so available for kissy face games and apply a little pressure on him to step up to grown-up dating.
Here’s the conversation I suggest you have with him. “I’m really enjoying getting to know you, but I need to know if we’re on the same page about what we’re doing. If you’re interested in dating and discovering if we could have a relationship, I am too. How about you?”
Now listen to him, and let go of the need to have it turn out a certain way. If you hear him say (strongly, not weakly) that he’s really interested in you, go to the next step. Tell him: “I’m not interested in just hanging out, so if you want to see me, please call in advance and ask me out in the future. Now, I have something else to cover with you; I lied about my age, I’m really 40 not 31. You can count on me to be truthful with you in the future, but I need to know if you have a problem with my age.”
Again, really listen to his response. Be ready to deal with the fall out from lying to him; he may not be able to trust you, and you’ll have to chalk this one up as a costly lesson. If he hesitates, waffles, hedges, and drops the ball, you have your answer. He only wanted fun and games, not a relationship with you. He can’t go forward after the lie, or whatever the reason.
Unless he steps up to the plate big-time, it’s time to cut your losses, learn from this one, and move on. Be sure and get Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid so that you know exactly what to do in the future to attract and keep a great guy!