This week’s hot Hollywood news item is that the stars of the blockbuster Twilight series, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, may be getting back together. Why not? One affair doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship. In fact, it can be a new beginning and actually bring a couple closer. But there are things to watch out for along the way if you want a healthy, lasting relationship post affair. Here’s my advice for Robert and Kristen, and all couples in this situation. Also in this podcast: How to recover from break-ups powerfully so that you can return to being open to the possibility of a loving, lasting relationship! Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime! Amazon.com Widgets
Continue Reading September 21st, 2012
You are in love with the guy you believe is “the one.” Everything seems to be going great, when suddenly, he backs off. He gives you some kind of lame excuse, or he gives you no excuse, but he doesn’t give you a valid reason. You have nothing to work with, and you realized that you have been abandoned. It is a devastating feeling. Why does this happen? What are the signposts that may tell you when the guy you are dating could be the guy who exits abruptly? Most importantly, what can you do, and how can you respond? Click on the arrow below to listen now, or download and listen to this podcast later. Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime! Amazon.com Widgets
Continue Reading September 16th, 2012
Dear Nina: I just read Internet Dating for the Savvy Single – AWESOME. Packed with common sense dating advice. I am trying to get back to dating but I am having trouble getting over my last relationship. We met on a dating site and instantly clicked – rare. We had an eight month relationship which was fantastic. I got a STD test and found out I have HSV-1. Asymptomatic – I have NEVER in my life had a cold sore so I was shocked by the results. Needless to say my girlfriend told me that the HSV-1 was a deal-breaker. I offered to take suppression meds - Valtrex - so it would minimize her risk. She wouldn’t do it and broke it off. This one is taking me longer than usual to get over due to the fact that there was nothing really wrong with the relationship. Any suggestions on how to overcome this, or just let time do its thing. – Mitchell Dear Mitchell: I have known TONS of people over the years with the herpes virus, [...]
Continue Reading September 9th, 2012
Why do we choose the people that we do? Sure, there’s physical attraction, but it turns out there are other factors at play when we act the crazy way we do in the name of love. Politics and religion have more to do with it than you may realize, even if you don’t talk about it! Find out all the fascinating science behind love and mate selection. Also in this Love Strategies show, find out what you need to know to make it more likely that love the second time around can actually work. Divorce and remarriage isn’t so easy, so you will need this information if you are divorced and dating. Also, understand the risks and hazards of dating long distance, and what to do about it. Click on the arrow below to listen now, or download and listen to this podcast later. Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your [...]
Continue Reading June 22nd, 2012
Dear Nina: My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have two children – a 9-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl. We have a difficult, unhappy marriage. There’s no outward fighting or drama, and our young children may not know there’s a problem. But my wife and I rarely have meaningful talks or display affection. We’ve become essentially roommates. We would like to divorce but are worried about the impact on our young kids. Our marriage isn’t completely intolerable. So should we stay together for the kids’ benefit? Or should we consider our own (selfish?) desires and divorce? –Martin O., age 39 Dear Martin: First, you are correct to be concerned about your children. There is no question that they will be affected by a divorce. Research shows that children of intact families fare better than children of divorce. They perform better in school, they tend to be physically and emotionally healthier, they are less likely to get involved in drug or alcohol abuse, they are more likely to go to college, and [...]
Continue Reading April 29th, 2012
Hi Nina: I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. However I am also emotionally unavailable; I always look for an escape clause. I watched my parents, who loved each other, have a miserable marriage for over 30 yrs (they divorced when I was 26). I swore that if I cared for someone & he or I wasn’t happy I would be strong enough to leave. I was in a relationship with a man for 6 yrs & as usual I left. I believe this was the right thing to do, for both of us. Now when I meet someone I am interested in I automatically start to push them away, even before there is a chance to know if they are interested. I am very independent & have been told by my mother & others that I am too independent. My mother even went so far as to say that no man would ever want me because I would make him feel emasculated. So instead of waiting to find out if someone is interested in me [...]
Continue Reading January 4th, 2012
Dear Nina: I just started reading your book [Temptations of the Single Girl] again after one year. I find it fascinating how it’s actually a work-book, and so many thing I didn’t get when I first read it, I’m starting to understand more now. My question is simple: After you’ve broken up a relationship and the guy comes around again trying to patch things up and start fresh, what is the attitude that you have to have with him, in order to avoid past patterns and eventually a second broken heart? What do you come to the table with, in order to state your rules? And more important, how do you know if a genuine inner change has happened in him and that he’s REALLY up to working things out, instead of getting a “I miss you” fix? The reason why we broke up is that he doesnt know he has the capacity to be in a relationship. Again, your book has been helping me a great deal! – Anna Dear Anna: You are asking great questions, [...]
Continue Reading July 27th, 2011
If you are over twenty one and you have had your heart broken, you know what it’s like to need some recovery time. Nina dubs this “relationship rehab” and gives you the tools to effectively manage yourself through this very necessary life stage. The temptation is to skip over it, but that puts you on the “serial monogamist” pathway – the names & faces change, the issues remain the same. Learn: How to know when you need relationship rehab To identify the patterns that need changing in order for you to attract a good, loving relationship What it means to put your “self” first and how that creates a deeper relationship with the right person The focus you need to really recover and move forward as a much healthier person And much more! Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime! Sign up [...]
Continue Reading February 6th, 2011
Dear Nina: What a God-send to find your site and books! I’m heartbroken after 1.5 years with the man I thought was the love of my life. I’m ordering your book Temptations of the Single Girl today and can’t wait to read it; I think I’m dealing with Loving a Wounded Guy. He was just ending a very painful marriage when we met, and I thought that all he needed was a good woman to help him heal. Because of his emotional fragility, I never brought up commitment or marriage, so I guess I Denied My True Desires as well. I might also have Settled for Less and Sacrificed Authenticity. It bothered me that he didn’t open up to me, wasn’t vulnerable, but again, I let that go because of how wounded he was. Yet I was holding back parts of myself, not expressing myself fully. Then the bombshell: he abruptly broke up with me because he’s now dating someone he met at work. I’m wracked with pain and obsessive thoughts: what if it turns out [...]
Continue Reading August 26th, 2010
“I choose to reclaim my sense of personal power.” Great! That’s a wonderful first step for you post break-up. Now you need specific actions and behaviors in order to maintain your personal power. I’ll start with a list of “don’ts”: Don’t call your Ex unless you have a specific purpose such as arranging to return belongings; in that case, keep it short and sweet When you feel the pain and resentment rise up, do not call your Ex while you are feeling that way; instead, take a few minutes to “download” – write your thoughts and feelings in the form of a letter to him/her Don’t mail the letter! Don’t drive by, text message, call, ring the doorbell, show up at work, email, snail mail or in any way contact your Ex for a significant period of time; 90 days is a good benchmark; then, challenge yourself by running it by a couple of friends who will question your motives before you take action Don’t give yourself permission to obsess about your Ex; give yourself [...]
Continue Reading August 20th, 2010
Nothing grabs your attention more than having someone you love abruptly exit. It’s emotionally traumatic, meaning that there’s no way to prepare yourself for such a sudden loss, so it hits you on all levels. You’re sad and/or angry, you can’t sleep, you can’t concentrate at work, and you wear out your support network with long, obsessive conversations about why this happened and what you might do. Deep down, what hits hardest is the realization that you’ve lost all sense of control over the situation. Your Ex has grabbed all the power in the relationship. This situation, like all challenging situations in life, holds within it a golden opportunity: that of discovering where real power resides. Within you lies your real power: your ability to choose how you will interpret what happens in your life, and to respond to what happens in your life and your relationships. Here is your point of choice [given a “grace period” of grief which is perfectly normal]: I can continue to obsess over this person and suffer because I can’t control [...]
Continue Reading August 16th, 2010
Sara writes: “Help! My boyfriend, after a 3 month intense relationship, suddenly backed off. Is there any hope he’ll come back?” Danielle writes: “What can I do to win back the man I love? He broke up with me after two years saying he wasn’t ready for a commitment.” Chris writes: “I’m in love with Kristen and she went back to her old boyfriend after dating me for six months and telling me she loves me! Can I get her back?” What all of these stories have in common is loss: the person you loved left, backed off, or went away, and you’re grief-stricken. All you can think of is how, when, or where you are going to reunite with your loved one. So you ask anyone and everyone who will listen for more than a couple of minutes for their insight. Desperately, you stir the cup, trying to read the tea leaves so you will know if this loss is permanent or temporary. The problem is that your focus is in the wrong place. [...]
Continue Reading August 13th, 2010
What happens when you get to the point of “No matter what the outcome I will be okay?” I seem to have the problem now that I know I’m okay and don’t need someone, I don’t get close to anyone. There is an important distinction between individuation (basically, that I am a separate human being who is complete even when not in a relationship) and the fear of intimacy. You know it is the latter when you don’t allow yourself to get close to another person. As human beings, we seek the middle ground, but sometimes we miss. Perhaps at one time in your life you got very close to someone, maybe even so close that you lost a bit of yourself. You opened your heart, you trusted, and you put everything you had into the relationship. Then one day something happened. You found yourself alone and lonely, grieving, hurt, lost and confused. You picked yourself up, dusted yourself off (maybe sooner, maybe later), and you went on with your life. You resolved that never [...]
Continue Reading July 13th, 2010
Sandy fell deeply in love with Greg over the course of their romance. By the fourth date she was sure he was the one for her. He seemed to return her feelings and their relationship progressed nicely until the fourth week. Suddenly, he stopped calling as much, begging off with excuses like overwork and needing time with his buddies. The more he pulled away, the more obsessed she became with trying to get him back. He began avoiding her calls and not returning her emails, and this sent her into an emotional tailspin. This story took a dramatic turn when she showed up at his work and demanded that he talk to her. Embarassed that this emotionally overwrought woman had shown up at his office, Greg asked her to leave. The situation escalated until the police were called, at which point she hastily left, deeply ashamed of her behavior. After that, Sandy suffered off and on for the next three years, yearning for the return of her lover – yes, the guy who had spurned her. Though she desperately [...]
Continue Reading July 5th, 2010
Cindy met Bill through her tennis club. He was charming, good-looking, and he swept her off her feet in a whirlwind courtship. Pushing for a quick marriage, he proposed after only two months. Though she felt a few flutters of anxiety, Cindy accepted, hoping for true love. Six months later, she deeply regretted the haste. Bill turned out to be both alcoholic and verbally abusive, with the threat of physical abuse lurking in the volatile atmosphere. Frightened, she moved out and filed for divorce. Later, she reflected on how she had gotten herself in such a painful place. Something deep inside Cindy had sent up warning flares, telling her that she was moving too fast. But she’d plunged ahead, repressing her own better judgment, which was trying to get her to slow down. Why had she ignored the signals? “I was afraid that if I told him I wanted to slow down, he might lose interest. He was so passionate, so full of life, and I felt so flattered that this great looking guy wanted me. All the women liked him. It [...]
Continue Reading June 21st, 2010
Cherie writes about her Ex dating a crack addict while continuing to see her (Cherie) on the side. She asks: Number 1- Do we still have a chance to get back together? Number 2- Will he stay with her? She says, “he is in a rebound relationship and I don’t think it will last much longer.” Cherie, your focus is entirely in the wrong place. Instead of wondering if you can get back together with this guy, you should be wondering why you want him back. You describe the relationship as a drama-rama of fighting and breaking up, followed by his hooking up with someone else and cheating on her with you. This is a highly dysfunctional formula for life and relationships. My answer to you is: it doesn’t matter if you get back together or not because it’s unlikely to work; in fact, I would bet it won’t work. Healthy relationships are built on shared values and mutual love and respect. I don’t hear much respect from you toward him, and with good reason. How can [...]
Continue Reading June 8th, 2010
If breaking up is hard to do, recovery is even harder, or so it seems. Heartbroken, licking your wounds, you may express your pain in a myriad of ways: withdrawal from friends and normal activities; eating empty carbohydrates or sweets (Ben & Jerry’s looks really good right now); drinking to excess; not eating (your appetite is gone); working too much; obsessively thinking about the lost love. But how long should you engage in this wound-licking, often dysfunctional, behavior? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how long you give yourself permission to wallow in self-punishing behavior. Drinking too much, eating unhealthy food, withdrawing from friends and healthy activities – all are expressions of anger to self. Internalizing the pain, you hurt the person who most needs comfort – you. You act out the pain by refusing to acknowledge the pain, yet that is the only way out of the pain. Too much of this kind of behavior allows you to avoid the real issue – and that is that it hurts. “OUCH!” your heart and [...]
Continue Reading April 29th, 2010
Dear Nina: My ex-girlfriend and I met on Myspace, emailed for a week, phoned for a week, then met for dinner and a walk. We dated for two and a half weeks, walking along the beach holding hands. Then she blew me off, saying it was just a friendship and she didn’t have time for a relationship. I was angry but I moved on. A month later, she called me, apologized and wanted another chance. We dated for three months and it went well. Her only complaint was that it was annoying to witness me getting mad at drivers in other cars. One night we were watching a movie about a man physically abusing a woman and I got very angry. She called me later and said that I scared her with my anger, and broke up. I tried to stay away. A week later I called but only got her sister on the phone. Since then I’ve text messaged her sister, sent a few emails to my ex-girlfriend, and gotten little response. How do I [...]
Continue Reading March 31st, 2010
Dear Nina: I have been in an on and off relationship for a year and a half and I know it’s not what I want. I’ve started to go out with someone new (only a couple of dates) and I know I need to tell my boyfriend, who in the past has been possessive and jealous. What do I say, and how do I handle his questions? – Carolyn Carolyn: There is no easy way to tell someone that you are moving on, yet it’s not fair to take those steps while keeping the other person in the dark. So, I acknowledge you, first of all, for your honesty and integrity, and secondly, for doing what’s right, especially when it’s difficult. Start with the plain truth, expressed compassionately but without soft-soaping it. “We’ve been seeing each other off and on for a long time and we both know it’s not working. I’ve come to the point that I’m interested in going out with other men and I think it’s only fair to tell you [...]
Continue Reading February 26th, 2010
Dear Nina: I’m in my mid-30′s. I haven’t dated for a couple years probably because of too much trauma in past relationships I’d kind of given up. I’m bucking up and getting back into the swing of things. I’ve never been married. I really want children and a best-friend, love-of-my-life husband. So, I’m doing my best to try a new way. I’ve read two of your books. In Temptations of the Single Girl, you recommend just going to lunch with someone on the first date. How by the book do I need to do this? I understand why this is important, but it seems hard in real life to always follow the letter of this “law.” For instance, last night, at a single’s event, a man won tickets to an event and today he asked me to go with him. Should I seriously turn him down and, if I do, do I suggest a lunch date instead? My second question is: How interested should I be to accept a date with integrity? What I mean [...]
Continue Reading February 22nd, 2010
Dear Nina: I read Temptations of the Single Girl and absolutely loved it! It really spoke to me in a time of need. My question is this– how do you get over a relationship where there were multiple instances of cheating? I just found out my boyfriend of eight months began cheating on me for the 3rd time. I finally was able to walk away, but he said so many things and did so many things inconsistent with that type of behavior that I’m desperately afraid that I will have trouble believing what any man says for the rest of my life. He did so much convincing the last time I took him back– promising me he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, telling me wonderful things about myself and how I was the only woman for him– I don’t know how to get these words out of my head. He started off so genuine, and said and did so many great things for me in the beginning…I’m scared a [...]
Continue Reading August 5th, 2009
Dear Nina: I have been dating a guy for 4 1/2 months. He is 43 and I am 48. We hit it off immediately. I made the error of sleeping with him on our first date (I initiated it). He has never been married and has no children. He wants a non exclusive relationship to see how things work out between us. He says he has only been in love once (15 years ago) and does not want to rush into anything. I agreed to wait and see if he decides he wants to be with me exclusively. I am only going to wait another month before deciding to end this relationship. I really like him and we are always together. He calls me every day and plans our weekends. He says he wants to be in a serious relationship and get married. I have never pressured him about us - it is too soon for that conversation. I don’t understand why he won’t make it a committed relationship if he is always wanting to be [...]
Continue Reading February 3rd, 2009
I’ve recently ended a loving, healthy relationship (after three years of dating) due to my partner’s unwillingness to make a long-term commitment. This was someone I deeply loved who was right for me in many ways, and I am struggling to understand why this has happened and what I need to do to go forward. How do I come to terms with this loss so that my heart is open in the future and I can move on to something even better? – Jennifer First of all, I acknowledge you for doing something that takes tremendous courage and strength. You tackled the Temptation to Settle for less than a truly good relationship, and you are now in a transition process. Commitment in a long-term relationship is essential to the health and well-being of both partners. Knowing that you are with someone who loves you deeply and who places the relationship at top priority gives you emotional safety to deal with the problems and issues that invariably come up. Commitment draws a boundary around the relationship, making [...]
Continue Reading January 22nd, 2009
I’ve been asked this question countless times over the years: Can two people who were in love and break up then be friends? The answer is twofold: It depends, and maybe in time but usually not at first. To really get at this answer, we have to look at a definition of friendship. There are many kinds of friends in life – some are situational, such as co-workers or school mates. When you change jobs or graduate, those friendships often don’t last. It’s not that you didn’t like each other; it’s that you didn’t have a bond deep enough to survive without daily reinforcement. There are also business colleague friendships – but those often include the wearing of a social “mask” – you want to look good so you don’t reveal much if anything about your flaws and failures. One of the characteristics of a deeply bonded friendship is emotional safety – meaning that you have the freedom to completely be yourself and openly share about the deep down stuff of your life. With emotional safety, [...]
Continue Reading June 29th, 2008
“I refuse to let what happened to me make me bitter. I still completely believe in love and I’m open to anything that will happen to me.” – Nicole Kidman on breaking up Many years ago when my ex-husband left, I initially thought that this was the end of any hope for love in my life. It took me months to wade through the grief process – shock, denial, anger, deep grief, and later, a measure of acceptance. The divorce shook my mind, heard, and body to the foundation. One day, I woke up feeling just a tiny bit better, and on that day I experienced several powerful insights. Like Nicole, I saw that while I would never have control over the behavior and choices of any man in my life, I had complete control over how I responded. I saw that bitterness, loss of hope, and a closed heart were in my domain of control. I realized that the ability to love and be loved, to trust and have an open heart, are precious [...]
Continue Reading February 18th, 2008
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