Fourteen years ago when I met my husband, we were both failures. Relationship failures, that is. He was divorced twice and so was I. We were in our early forties, fearful of making another mistake, yet still hopeful that maybe this relationship would be the right one. We both had a healthy dose of skepticism, but we forged ahead. Good thing we did because meeting him has definitely turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me! If you are single and over forty, odds are you have at least one big relationship failure in your life. Singles often ask me about the people they are dating and whether or not they are worth the risk. He’s been divorced and single for ten years. Is he ready? She’s never been married but lived with a guy for fifteen years. Does she have a problem with commitment? The twice divorced person may look like a long shot, but it turns out that there are some real advantages to dating relationship failures. If [...]
Continue Reading April 8th, 2013
Dear Nina: I truly feel I’m addicted to my wife. We have been separated for 3 years and we have 3 children together that I have full custody of (yes I’m a male). She lives with another man, and still sees me and a third guy who is the reason we split up in the first place. I keep telling myself that I’m through, I’m done, yet find myself right back in the same situation a few days later. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m literally on the verge of complete insanity. I love her and I want our family back together. She claims she wants the same yet she continues to hang out with this younger guy AND still lives with the other guy who I honestly don’t think has a clue about what she is doing. We’ve been together for 15 yrs, separated for 3 of them. I really just don’t know how or what to do anymore. Please help me. – Dave, age 39 Dear Dave: You are definitely in the throes of love addiction, defined as the inability to get basic relationship needs met, yet [...]
Continue Reading November 30th, 2012
Did you know that too much materialism can kill your (future) marriage? A new study highlights the problems when one or both partners focus too much on having more things. We now know the personality traits that are associated with materialism, and with the downfall of marriages as a result. As a single person, you may want to know what to look for as you date and consider someone for marriage. There are clear signs in a new relationship that you may not be financially compatible. Since conflict over money (how to spend, save, and debt) is the number one reason for divorce, it pays to be savvy about it as you date and discover. Click on the arrow below to listen now, or download and listen to this podcast later. Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime! [...]
Continue Reading November 19th, 2012
This week’s hot Hollywood news item is that the stars of the blockbuster Twilight series, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, may be getting back together. Why not? One affair doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship. In fact, it can be a new beginning and actually bring a couple closer. But there are things to watch out for along the way if you want a healthy, lasting relationship post affair. Here’s my advice for Robert and Kristen, and all couples in this situation. Also in this podcast: How to recover from break-ups powerfully so that you can return to being open to the possibility of a loving, lasting relationship! Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime! Amazon.com Widgets
Continue Reading September 21st, 2012
Why do we choose the people that we do? Sure, there’s physical attraction, but it turns out there are other factors at play when we act the crazy way we do in the name of love. Politics and religion have more to do with it than you may realize, even if you don’t talk about it! Find out all the fascinating science behind love and mate selection. Also in this Love Strategies show, find out what you need to know to make it more likely that love the second time around can actually work. Divorce and remarriage isn’t so easy, so you will need this information if you are divorced and dating. Also, understand the risks and hazards of dating long distance, and what to do about it. Click on the arrow below to listen now, or download and listen to this podcast later. Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your [...]
Continue Reading June 22nd, 2012
Dear Nina: My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have two children – a 9-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl. We have a difficult, unhappy marriage. There’s no outward fighting or drama, and our young children may not know there’s a problem. But my wife and I rarely have meaningful talks or display affection. We’ve become essentially roommates. We would like to divorce but are worried about the impact on our young kids. Our marriage isn’t completely intolerable. So should we stay together for the kids’ benefit? Or should we consider our own (selfish?) desires and divorce? –Martin O., age 39 Dear Martin: First, you are correct to be concerned about your children. There is no question that they will be affected by a divorce. Research shows that children of intact families fare better than children of divorce. They perform better in school, they tend to be physically and emotionally healthier, they are less likely to get involved in drug or alcohol abuse, they are more likely to go to college, and [...]
Continue Reading April 29th, 2012
When a single dad is dating, how long should he wait before meeting the woman’s children and vice versa? And how should the father describe the relationship with the woman before the kids meet her? It depends. The timing varies depending on the age of the children and the circumstances of the Dad’s single life. Most children fantasize that their divorced parents will reunite. Meeting someone new crushes that hope, and that can be difficult for them. There are no hard and fast rules about the timing of introducing someone new to your children. What’s important is to consider all the circumstances and make your best judgment call. The first consideration is when to begin dating following a divorce with children. Ideally, you invest in healing the relationship with your Ex first; i.e., restoring good communication, making sure that you don’t do anything offensive or inflammatory such as bad-mouthing your Ex, doing some family counseling if needed. The goal is to align on being co-parenting partners going forward. This protects your children and greatly eliminates the [...]
Continue Reading December 16th, 2011
If you are over twenty one and you have had your heart broken, you know what it’s like to need some recovery time. Nina dubs this “relationship rehab” and gives you the tools to effectively manage yourself through this very necessary life stage. The temptation is to skip over it, but that puts you on the “serial monogamist” pathway – the names & faces change, the issues remain the same. Learn: How to know when you need relationship rehab To identify the patterns that need changing in order for you to attract a good, loving relationship What it means to put your “self” first and how that creates a deeper relationship with the right person The focus you need to really recover and move forward as a much healthier person And much more! Listen Now You can download this podcast as an MP3 file: Right click on “Listen Now,” choose “save target as” and save it to your music folder on your computer. Sync with your MP3 player or iPod, and listen to Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach®, anytime! Sign up [...]
Continue Reading February 6th, 2011
When I was growing up, we were the only family in school that we knew about whose parents were divorced. It made us feel odd and different from others, stigmatized. Turns out we weren’t alone – many people from divorce felt that way growing up in the nineteen fifites and sixites. Now, being from a divorced family isn’t unusual, but you may find that you are stigmatized in today’s dating world. Studies tell us that if you grew up in a family of divorce, you’re more likely to be divorced. The reasons for that are not clear. Lack of stability in family of origin may result in feeling like chaos is the norm, so you will be attracted to people who are not stable. Loss of one parent due to divorce creates a vacuum of unmet needs, and that can be a burden to your future spouse. Whatever the reason, you may find that you are labeled by potential dating partners as unsuitable because of your parents’ divorce. What can you do about that? The obvious answer is [...]
Continue Reading January 3rd, 2011
Love Strategies August 15th: It was truly a mix of topics, starting with women leaving their marriages in droves, touching on honesty in online dating, and ending with an inspirational quote from Kahlil Gibran on love. Listen to the whole show here. This story appeared in the Dallas Morning News over the weekend: Why are women leaving their marriages? Journalist Christine Wicker cited anecdotal evidence that middle-aged women are not content staying married to the husbands with whom they’ve spent the past several decades. Confronted with mid life, they are questioning the decisions of the past, and many are carving out an escape path. Divorce is real, and it’s still prevalent. Is it higher for middle aged women these days? That’s not clear, but if it is true, there are things we can learn from these stories: – Never stop focusing on having your own life, even if you’re raising children; loss of “self” is a major reason women become massively dissatisfied later in life and blame it on the men they marry; divorce and remarriage won’t fix that [...]
Continue Reading September 1st, 2010
Divorce is one of the most painful of life events, and for women it can be doubly painful because of emotional and financial dependency. Studies continue to show that most women experience a substantial loss in living standards post divorce. On the flip side, successful women who divorce often find themselves forced to provide spousal support for a non-working ex husband (the downside of our hard won equality over the past few decades). Trying to find the right resources when divorce is imminent can be very difficult. Emotions hold sway and thinking is often unclear. But there are excellent resources out there, and one of them is the Modern Womans Divorce Guide. If you have reached the end of your marriage – if you’ve done everything possible to fix it and there’s no salvaging the relationship – here is a place for you to begin creating a road map for your future. Like everything else in life at which you need to be successful, your divorce requires planning. Make sure you have all the right resources [...]
Continue Reading July 1st, 2010
Dear Nina: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. I am a divorced mum of one child; I have tried to prevent further trauma to my son by remaining in the marital home. My relationship was very up and down with this man for the first four years and after many split ups he appears to be more committed; i.e., not going out to night clubs. The problem is that he is very jealous and upsets me when I try to do things on my own like going on a conference for my business or doing things with my friends. In my previous marriage I could do whatever I wanted and now I feel that I am stunting myself. I do love this man but how do I keep me. – Vivienne Dear Vivienne: I don’t know which came first: his jealousy (maybe he’s just wired that way) or your lack of commitment as displayed by remaining in the same home with your ex-husband (maybe you provoked him into it). Either way, you have a complicated situation that is not conducive to a [...]
Continue Reading June 25th, 2010
If breaking up is hard to do, recovery is even harder, or so it seems. Heartbroken, licking your wounds, you may express your pain in a myriad of ways: withdrawal from friends and normal activities; eating empty carbohydrates or sweets (Ben & Jerry’s looks really good right now); drinking to excess; not eating (your appetite is gone); working too much; obsessively thinking about the lost love. But how long should you engage in this wound-licking, often dysfunctional, behavior? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how long you give yourself permission to wallow in self-punishing behavior. Drinking too much, eating unhealthy food, withdrawing from friends and healthy activities – all are expressions of anger to self. Internalizing the pain, you hurt the person who most needs comfort – you. You act out the pain by refusing to acknowledge the pain, yet that is the only way out of the pain. Too much of this kind of behavior allows you to avoid the real issue – and that is that it hurts. “OUCH!” your heart and [...]
Continue Reading April 29th, 2010
Dear Nina: What is the definition of a “rebound relationship”? Is it true they can be unhealthy? I’ve recently started dating someone who is barely divorced. My friends say she’s on the rebound. - David David: Rebound relationships occur very shortly after the end of a significant love, and sometimes begin before the end. The problem with a rebound is that it doesn’t allow time for the grieving and healing process to be complete. When this happens, there is emotional confusion. Sometimes, the feelings for the old partner simply transfer to the new one, and that results in the illusion that you’ve found someone totally “different,” when, in fact, you’ve found someone very much like your old love. Often the issues that drove you away from your previous partner are the very ones with which you eventually find yourself grappling in the new relationship. Rebound relationships serve a purpose: To protect the heart from the devastation of losing someone very important. Like a very big cushion, they protect us from the trauma of the fall that is [...]
Continue Reading March 11th, 2010
Dear Nina: Your advice about things to do when you’re lonely over Christmas (# 3 Holiday Dating Challenge) completely misses out those of us who are alone and yet have obligations – i.e. all the single parents. I’m lonely, too, but I have to spend my holiday season making Christmas happen for my three kids who have massive expectations about ‘Mommy-Time’ or playdates. It is almost unbearably difficult to be a family and yet not a family (i.e. with no Dad) yet without the freedom to run away from it all; and with few babysitters available so that I can go out. The same probably goes for singles who are carers for elderly parents and relatives – they can’t just up and do. Some advice for those of us who are stuck on the track of caring or parenting would help us feel less isolated. – Helen Dear Helen: You and others like you are in a very challenging situation – caring for children without the support of the other parent to give you relief. [...]
Continue Reading February 9th, 2010
After years of being with the same man, you may wake up one day and find that he has moved on. The heartache and emotional trauma seem unbearable at first, but eventually you come out of your fog of grief, anger, and whatever you are feeling and ask the question: why? You may tell yourself that you don’t understand why he left, but in reality most women know deep down when their relationships aren’t quite right. Part of your healing requires rigorous self-honesty: what part did you play in the demise of the relationship? Sometimes it’s in the very beginning: the compromise you made when you chose him. Uncomfortable though it seems, many women have to face up to making a poor choice of life partner because of emotional neediness or the ticking biological clock. Deep down, you knew he wasn’t the best person to spend the rest of your life with, but you were unwilling to take the risk that by saying “no” to him you might wind up alone or childless. Consequently, you focused on your children but [...]
Continue Reading January 18th, 2010
Divorce is one of the most painful of life events, and for women it can be doubly painful because of emotional and financial dependency. Studies continue to show that most women experience a substantial loss in living standards post divorce. On the flip side, successful women who divorce often find themselves forced to provide spousal support for a non-working ex husband (the downside of our hard won equality over the past few decades). Trying to find the right resources when divorce is immiment can be very difficult. Emotions hold sway and thinking is often unclear. But there are excellent resources out there, and one of them is the Modern Womans Divorce Guide. If you have reached the end of your marriage – if you’ve done everything possible to fix it and there’s no salvaging the relationship – here is a place for you to begin creating a road map for your future. Like everything else in life at which you need to be successful, your divorce requires planning. Make sure you have all the right resources [...]
Continue Reading February 28th, 2008
One reader (cbdubya) comments that she’s deeply offended that single parenting is lumped into a statement on dating wounded people. It was an incomplete statement on the author’s part. To complete the thought: there are single parents who are ready to date, and there are single parents who are not. The number one priority for ANY parent, single or not, should be raising children to be fully functioning adults who are prepared to make good choices in life. That’s a tall order in today’s world, with so many temptations to take the focus off of good parenting. Take that challenge and magnify it many times and you have single parenting. Though numerous studies as well as statictical evidence show that children from divorced families do not fare as well as those from intact families, the reality is that some marriages cannot be sustained. A single parent with the right priorities is focused on the children’s needs first, personal needs second. That doesn’t mean that you don’t take care of yourself. If you want to have energy for your [...]
Continue Reading August 28th, 2007
When should you start dating again? The answer is, of course, it depends. It depends on how much emotional baggage you want to drag forward into your new relationship. The more baggage you have (steamer trunks vs. carry on), the less likely you are to have a loving, lasting relationship in the future. If you are the Dumper, your baggage is more likely to be in the form of unresolved guilt and either over or under-responsibility. Because leaving can be so hard, some people emotionally shut down or cut off real communication in order to move forward. This coping mechanism, while it may have served you to some degree, won’t help in your new relationship. The path of recovery as the Dumper is to take responsibility for your past choices and actions without beating yourself up. Acknowledge to yourself that you made certain choices and acted in certain ways based on your degree of self- and other-awareness at the time. Forgive yourself and gain the lessons. Commit to yourself to maintain the self-awareness that you need so that you [...]
Continue Reading June 28th, 2007
In every breakup there are two roles: the Dumper and the Dumpee. Put it another way, the person who actually says “I’m outta here” and the person who is left behind. Sometimes we try to save face by agreeing that yes, it’s over, when the other person says they’re leaving. But almost always there is one person who is the first to throw in the towel emotionally. That person usually faces one set of emotions while the other person usually faces a different set of emotions. If you threw in the towel first, you are more likely to experience guilt. Dumpers often spend weeks or months agonizing over the decision, weighing the good and the bad in the relationship. Sometimes Dumpers act spontaneously, as in the last-straw syndrome. In that scenario, a random negative act on the part of the other person tips the scales over to “that’s it, I’ve had enough, and I’m leaving.” Almost anything will do so the Dumper can justify leaving. What Dumpers usually fail to do is communicate clearly what they [...]
Continue Reading June 27th, 2007
What if you are months or years post-divorce and you didn’t earn your way out? You can still do your “emotional homework” and prepare yourself for a better marriage in the future. Part one of the homework you do on your own. Part two is optional, depending on the relationship you have with your ex. Part One: Take personal responsibility. Even if your spouse left you, and especially if you left him or her, it’s vital that you recognize your part in the breakdown of the marriage. Spend a significant amount of time quietly reflecting, letting go of ego and self-defense, and look at the entire pattern of the relationship. Starting at the very beginning, look at your own behavior with detachment, as if you were looking at someone else on a movie screen, and ask yourself these questions: 1. What specific thoughts, feelings, behaviors and patterns did I exhibit that stood in the way of a healthy, loving connection with my ex? 2. What specific thoughts, feelings, behavior, and communication did I withhold that [...]
Continue Reading December 1st, 2006
Tom’s baggage: divorce without “due process.” Tom brought a major issue into Katie’s life and how they deal with it will determine their true success in the long haul. It appears that when Tom grew disenchanted with his second (that’s right, second) wife Nicole, he bolted. Nicole says that she was blind-sided. She may have known they had problems, but she clearly didn’t expect him to abandon their marriage with no notice. This doesn’t bode well for Katie! The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and Tom’s indicates that when he reaches a certain level of frustration, he doesn’t know how to slow down. He makes major life-altering decisions based on the emotion of the day, rather than dealing with the emotions first, and deciding later. Yet this is exactly what the bonds of marriage are all about. Marriage is supposed to act as glue to keep you planted with your spouse while you deal with the issues. If, and only if, you cannot resolve them as a couple, then you decide together [...]
Continue Reading November 29th, 2006
